My Personal Yetzias Mitzrayim - Part 3 (Conclusion)

In Israel I became closely connected to many caring and incredible people. I felt that their encouragement was genuine and they really believed in me. My mentors guided me patiently and showered me with love. They gave me the ability to love life, the Torah and most importantly, Hashem.

One incident that inspired me was when I was at the Kosel, and I noticed how people were pouring their hearts out to Hashem at the wall. This wall seemed like any other, and I wondered what made it so different that the people kissed it and cried to it with all their emotion. Every type of person would place a written note into the wall. I was so puzzled about what I had observed.

As I was inching my way up to the Kosel, I felt a rush of emotions inside my neshama. Although words cannot describe the feeling, Hashem suddenly opened up my heart and I began to feel an overwhelming connection pulling me toward Him, encouraging me to speak to Him. I felt a very strong pull and I, too, wanted to cry out to the wall. I did not know what overcame me, but I ran over to the wall as if I was meeting a friend I had not seen in years. And then I started crying and shaking as I kissed the Kosel with all my heart.

I felt Hashem pulling me to come and talk to him. I knew in my heart that Hashem was real. From that moment I told myself that I was ready to be Hashem's child and be closely connected to him. I had found the most loving father who was always ready to hear from me; I just had to invite him in. I knew I had found my way home, but that it would be a long journey to reach my destination.

For the first time in my life, I wanted to daven and reach out to Hashem. I felt a change slowly coming over me, and my heart began to unclog. I allowed myself to reach out, and I saw Hashem responding. When my boarding mother contacted me and said that she was experiencing a high-risk pregnancy, my reaction was to run to the Kosel on her behalf. Hashem answered my Tefilos, and she had a great nes; although she gave birth prematurely, the baby did not have any crucial complications. Hashem really showed me how he is always ready to help me I just have to come and ask him.


Once, the Aim Bayis of my seminary, took our class on a trip to the Flower Caves. When we were deep inside one of the caves, we could not believe the intensity of the darkness, especially since we did not come equipped with flashlights. We were screaming in fright, and it seemed to take us hours to find our way out. On the bus ride home, my Aim Bayis sat down near me, and we discussed the terrifying darkness we had experienced. She told me that if a person used his eyes in the wrong way and looked at things that he shouldn't see, he might have to return to this world as a blind person, groping in the darkness, in order to correct his misdeed. This conversation had a profound effect on me, and I started to think about a person's responsibility for his actions. "I can't just act the way I want. I will eventually have to answer for my behavior."

Yet, I could not simply escape the lure of the Yetzer Hara, nor could I extinguish the overpowering enticement to escape into a dreamy world of amusement and bliss. I felt my heart being tugged in opposite directions, and my mind was in a constant quandary.

Before leaving Eretz Yisroel, I wanted to daven and ask Hashem to support and guide me in my quest for autonomy and acceptance. I hired a sheirut to drive me to Har Hamenuchos, where I poured out my heart at the kever of my great-aunt. Then I went to the kever of the Chidah which was nearby, and continued to plead for Hashem's assistance. My heart felt like it would burst, and a waterfall of tears flowed from my eyes. Despite my intense emotions, I felt relief; it was as if a gigantic boulder had been lifted from on top of me. I was now ready to return to the States, equipped with these Tefillos and the knowledge that Hashem would surely remain standing alongside me throughout my ordeal.

When I returned after my year in seminary, I was able to leave go of my anger, and replace it with a calmer composure. It was a slow process and a daily challenge to overcome the temptations that I continued to encounter at every junction. I had to reject the attempts by my boyfriends to rekindle our relationship. I realized that my old friends were not the understanding, caring people I had thought them to be. I needed to search for a new group of friends, but I did not know how to begin. I was still too fragile; I did not yet have the stamina to overcome all these complex issues.

My parents felt I needed to solidify my Emunah, and build upon the foundation that had been laid in Eretz Yisroel. I went out-of-town to attend a second year of seminary, where I grew in ruchnius and developed a yearning for Torah and kedusha. I came home for Yomim Tovim, felt I could connect comfortably with my family and developed new friendships. I felt that I had been blind before, and now I had a pair of glasses that enabled me to see. I used these glasses to gradually and painstakingly find my path in life.

When I reflect back to my teenage years, I wonder why I felt so confused and out of control. What triggered me to become so bewildered, and why did I become entangled in a world of obscurity? One explanation, I believe, is that Hashem prepared me so that today I am able to help teens at risk, since I understand their emotional pain and identify with them in their search to find contentment.

Based on my challenging experiences, I rebuilt my life, using the past as a strong foundation for my future. I have a clearer perception of the struggles others are battling, and I am able to encourage and inspire them in a positive and loving way. I channel my kochos toward reaching out to students in kiruv schools, and speaking at special events and Shabbatons. I act as a mentor to girls who are seeking to find themselves and strengthen their connection to Hashem.

That’s the end of my story. The parts that you got to read – well, that was originally written up to be published somewhere but it never happened. So instead, I decided to share it with all of you. There are other parts and details to my story that were not written here and I do hope at some point to share some of it with you. One thing I did see is that Hashem is with you every step of your life, even when you feel so lost and so alone!! And now, I am able to help teenagers who feel hopeless and confused because of what I went through!!!
I would love to hear what you thought of my story and how you this inspired you...