To Accept

I found my comfort. After feeling like I've been going through inner torture since this story, Hashem sent just me the chizuk I needed. It didn't come from something I read online, or from a video or lecture I listened to... (and I I have been searching for something, anything that would heal my aching soul...)

Yesterday, I opened a pirkei avos to prepare a lesson for my students on sefira. I wanted to highlight some of the "mem ches devarim," 48 ways to acquire Torah. I figured I'll choose the ones most relevant and appropriate for them. As I was readijng through the list (it's in perek shishi), one of them jumped out at me and hit me in the heart. 

One way to acquire Torah is through "kabalas hayesurin," accepting painful things Hashem puts us through. I tried to keep reading, to keep going through the list, but my brain and my heart kept going back to that one.

It hit me.

If we are to live a life of Torah, we will experience painful things. We will not understand many of them. But we need to accept them. We need to accept that this is the will of Hashem.

It doesn't take the pain away. But this thought did soothe an aching heart. My soul was able to find some peace and I was able to rid my head of the crazy thoughts that have been traveling through my brain faster than I could control them these past few days.

When my kids were super cute and delicious, I would worry that it's the good ones that are taken. Every mother who loses a young child talks about how their kid's smile would light up the room. Or how their kid had an exceptional love of life. Or what a fun personality their kid had. Or how caring they were. So when my kids displayed their natural caring heart, my insides would scream...STOP! Don't be so good. So cute. So caring. So yummy. So full of positive energy and love of life. I don't want Hashem to take you Chas veshalom!

I couldn't deal with regular, positive, healthy interactions without thinking that this may be the last time...the last time I tuck my kids into bed, the last time I say "I love you..."

I thought...if this is what happens to someone who went through one loss, who is next? There seemed to be no guarantee that my family would be safe. That those close to me would be blessed to stay alive. 

I was scared. Scared of what the future would bring. Scared for my kids. Scared for everyone close to me that I love and care about. 

But then it hit me. 

Hashem decided to take this special engaged couple because...we don't know why. And we don't have to know why. But we have to accept it. We have to accept this pain so it doesn't rip us apart and hold us back from functioning. 

And this is how we will be able to be mekabel the Torah on shavuos. By realizing that we can't understand some of the difficult challenges Hashem sends to us. We can only accept it as reality and move forward with our spiritual growth. 

We can't let challenges paralyze us and stop us from living life. We have to look at the challenges as an opportunity for us to fix ourselves, to take one small thing upon ourselves so we can become more spiritual. We can become more loving and more expressive of that love towards those closest to us. We should inject joy and happiness into our lives and the lives of those around us. 

This is the way I found comfort and inner peace.

I hope you can, too.

Pure Eyes

I posted this before and wanted to share it with you again...now that the summer is here, it is a good reminder to all of us.


After my last post, I wanted to give some chizuk to all of you on how to keep yourself pure and guard your eyes especially during the summertime.

People think only men have to watch their eyes and that women do not have to be so careful. But I want you to know that it is not true. One of the sheish mitzvos temidiyos, the six constant mitzvos (that can be done at any moment of the day and one receives reward for doing it) is in this week's parsha, Parshas Shelach. It says, v'lo sasuru acharei levavchem v'acharei eineichem, you should not look after images or things that are not appropriate for you - this applies to women just as much as it applies to men!

I once heard an incredible thought on this topic from R' Zecharia Wallerstein.

He spoke about how the guests who came to Avraham Avinu's house washed their feet before entering his home because there was sand in their feet and they worshiped the sand. Since he was so careful not to let a trace of avodah zara, idol worship, into his home, he had them wash their feet before letting them in to his house.

So the question is, how far can a person go? If these people worshiped the sun, would he have closed all the shutters? It's only sand!

But Avraham was showing that you can never be too careful. He took such great care in making sure not to let a speck of avodah zara, in this case the sand, into his home - even though it was so tiny.

And we see what an effect this had on his son because later on, Yitzchok became blind from the sacrifices of his son Eisav's wives, sacrifices of idol worship. Why did he become blind from this? Because his neshama was so sensitive to even the tiniest crumb of avodah zara that he couldn't handle the tumah, the impurity, that came from the smoke of the sacrifices. This is what caused him to become blind! It did not affect his wife, Rivka because she didn't grow up in a home where even a little piece of sand was not allowed into the house by those who worshiped it!

There is only one body part that is so sensitive to something as small as a grain of sand. If you had sand between your fingers or toes, it would not irritate you. However, if a grain of sand somehow got into your eye, it would bother you to no end. You would be busy trying to get it out, rolling your eye in all directions, rinsing it with water, and doing anything possible to get it out of your eye.

But what's the big deal??? It's ONLY a grain of sand!!

It IS a big deal because the eyes are extremely sensitive.

This shows you just how sensitive your eyes must be spiritually and each person must guard them so carefully. You must not allow even the smallest grain of sand into your eyes! We learn from Avraham how important it is to be careful with what you let into your eyes.

There's a famous saying, "the eyes are the windows to the soul" - whatever you let your eyes see will have an everlasting impact on your neshama. So guard your eyes carefully, especially in these summer months!

When you walk outside and see women who are less dressed than dressed, turn your eyes the other way! Look in the opposite direction!

When you are online and see a link, picture or video clip that looks tempting, quickly close the tab or window you are open to. Don't let yourself stumble! Be strong! Resist the temptation and keep those grains of sand out of your eyes so that you don't irritate them with things you shouldn't be seeing!!

I know it's hard. It's hard for me too. But think about how irritating it would be if you had a piece of sand, one tiny grain, stuck in your eye. Think about how quickly you'd run to the sink to flush your eye with water.

May you have much hatzlacha keeping your eyes pure!

Pure Eyes

After my last post, I wanted to give some chizuk to all of you on how to keep yourself pure and guard your eyes especially during the summertime.

People think only men have to watch their eyes and that women do not have to be so careful. But I want you to know that it is not true. One of the sheish mitzvos temidiyos, the six constant mitzvos (that can be done at any moment of the day and one receives reward for doing it) is in this week's parsha, Parshas Shelach. It says, v'lo sasuru acharei levavchem v'acharei eineichem, you should not look after images or things that are not appropriate for you - this applies to women just as much as it applies to men!

I once heard an incredible thought on this topic from R' Zecharia Wallerstein.

He spoke about how the guests who came to Avraham Avinu's house washed their feet before entering his home because there was sand in their feet and they worshiped the sand. Since he was so careful not to let a trace of avodah zara, idol worship, into his home, he had them wash their feet before letting them in to his house.

So the question is, how far can a person go? If these people worshiped the sun, would he have closed all the shutters? It's only sand!

But Avraham was showing that you can never be too careful. He took such great care in making sure not to let a speck of avodah zara, in this case the sand, into his home - even though it was so tiny.

And we see what an effect this had on his son because later on, Yitzchok became blind from the sacrifices of his son Eisav's wives, sacrifices of idol worship. Why did he become blind from this? Because his neshama was so sensitive to even the tiniest crumb of avodah zara that he couldn't handle the tumah, the impurity, that came from the smoke of the sacrifices. This is what caused him to become blind! It did not affect his wife, Rivka because she didn't grow up in a home where even a little piece of sand was not allowed into the house by those who worshiped it!

There is only one body part that is so sensitive to something as small as a grain of sand. If you had sand between your fingers or toes, it would not irritate you. However, if a grain of sand somehow got into your eye, it would bother you to no end. You would be busy trying to get it out, rolling your eye in all directions, rinsing it with water, and doing anything possible to get it out of your eye.

But what's the big deal??? It's ONLY a grain of sand!!

It IS a big deal because the eyes are extremely sensitive.

This shows you just how sensitive your eyes must be spiritually and each person must guard them so carefully. You must not allow even the smallest grain of sand into your eyes! We learn from Avraham how important it is to be careful with what you let into your eyes.

There's a famous saying, "the eyes are the windows to the soul" - whatever you let your eyes see will have an everlasting impact on your neshama. So guard your eyes carefully, especially in these summer months!

When you walk outside and see women who are less dressed than dressed, turn your eyes the other way! Look in the opposite direction!

When you are online and see a link, picture or video clip that looks tempting, quickly close the tab or window you are open to. Don't let yourself stumble! Be strong! Resist the temptation and keep those grains of sand out of your eyes so that you don't irritate them with things you shouldn't be seeing!!

I know it's hard. It's hard for me too. But think about how irritating it would be if you had a piece of sand, one tiny grain, stuck in your eye. Think about how quickly you'd run to the sink to flush your eye with water.

May you have much hatzlacha keeping your eyes pure!

Names and Titles

The following question was submitted anonymously using the form on the right.

Why do we call the Avos or others from tanach by their first names and we call our Rabbis by a respectful title?

What a great question! I love hearing the questions you readers have and seeing how you think things through! You sound like someone who has a true desire to give the proper respect to all people - that is a middah we should all learn from and try to emulate!
Although I have not seen a source for this answer, I am taking the liberty to write up an answer that I thought of on my own.

Our Avos are called with the title father, Avraham Avinu, Yitzchok Avinu and Yaakov Avinu. This should remind us that they can be compared to our father in a very real way. We can and should learn practical lessons for life from the things we read about them in the Torah. Hashem wrote each thing down for a reason - because there is a message for us, the future generations to take from what happened.

They are not meant to be Avos in an unrealistic way. We are supposed to be able to view them as our REAL fathers. The things they went through and the challenges they endured are meant to give us strength - that we can go through these things too.

I remember when I was in Eretz Yisroel davening at Me'oras Hamachpeila, the place where Adam and Chava, Avraham and Sarah, Yitzchok and Rivka, Yaakov and Leah, are buried. It was such an overwhelming feeling when it hit me that this is where they are really buried! This is the place where our Avos - the ones we heard all those stories about - they are HERE! It's not just a joke, it's a REAL THING!! And then I thought about the different things I learned about them in the past, in school, things I've read about their nisyonos...and I davened, I said, "Hashem, please, give those people who are struggling with the same things our Avos struggled with, give them strength to go through and overcome their challenges..." I thought about each of the Avos and Imahos - Avraham and Sarah had so much to deal with - waiting for children, having to raise two different children - Yitzchok and Yishmoel...the Avos dealt with so many challenges that people in our generation are going through - shidduchim, parnassa (Yitzchok and the wells - every time he dug underground and found water, he was chased away and had to start all over again...) think about what each of our forefathers went through and realize that this is not just some story that we learn year after year - this is something real and true that happened!! And this should help us realize that Hashem gives us the strength to overcome any challenge we might face - because He has been with us from the beginning!! And He will be with us throughout our lives - there will never be a time that He wont be with us!!

So perhaps this is one of the messages you can take from the fact that we call our Avos by their names - this makes it much more personal and closer to our hearts. They were our fathers and we can learn from the things that happened to them, gather strength to go through our challenges - because Hashem will pull us through each time!

Another thing is that maybe our generation needs to call our own Rabbis by more respectful titles so that we respect them more. If we look back towards our Avos, of course we will view them respectfully and on a much higher level than us! But the Rabbis in our generation, we might think to ourselves that they are just like us (or almost on our own level). So we need to call them by respectful titles not for them - but for ourselves. So that we always remember to honor them, treat them properly and never to forget that they are much higher than we are and much greater than we are and they deserve the respect that we give them.

I hope this helps you!
Also, please can the person who submitted this question comment to let me know that you read this answer and if you still have a question about what I wrote?
Thanks!

Building Patience

I wanted to share an incredible lesson that can be learned from Pirkei Avos of last week.

Chazal teach (Avos 5:2) that there were ten generations between Adom HaRishon and Noach in order for us to understand the degree of Hashem’s Erech Apayim, Hashem’s patience - for ten generations acted wickedly before Hashem brought the Mabul to the world. The very next Mishna (5:3) then continues that there were ten generations from Noach to Avrohom Avinu so that we could, once again, see the degree of Hashem’s patience, in forestalling taking a Mabul-kind of action against the people until Avrohom Avinu came and single-handedly saved the world.

There is a profound lesson to be derived from the juxtaposition of these two Mishnayos.
If we see Hashem’s great patience in forbearing punishment for ten generations before bringing the flood, why do we need to hear about His forestalling for the same number of generations the second time as well? What does it add for us?

The answer provides us with a significant instruction for daily life.

Even if one has worked very hard at controlling himself, at building his patience, at being calm and not angered, there may come a time with respect to a particular person or event in which he fails to restrain himself, and lets out his frustration on a particular person or the people around him. Once this has occurred, one can well rationalize that his Middah of Erech Apayim can (and perhaps even should!) in the future be compromised as to that person or those people - for, after all, he has already tried to be complacent and accepting, tolerant and calm with them, and his attempt at composure and equanimity had failed because the conduct or the situation could simply be tolerated no longer.

Such could be the rationale of an employer vis-à-vis a particular employee, a husband regarding his wife (or vice versa), a parent with his child, a customer with her cleaning help or her customer service representative, or between two students, two neighbors or two friends.

The Mishna in Avos, however, has us appreciate how Hashem Himself dealt with a very similar situation. After ten generations of waiting, Hashem had to bring a flood on the world to allow the world to start again rather than self-destruct forever. If, however, after the flood the people reverted in some way to evil again, one would think they would have only a generation’s chance or two, but ten generations again?! They had already proven themselves to be undeserving, ungracious and intolerable. There was no need to exhibit patience and control to the same degree the second time as the first time! After all, this was a repeat offender!

No, says Hashem, whose Middos it is our life’s goal to emulate, one’s patience is not peeled away and worn thin because of a past history, frustration, exasperating annoyance, an irritating personality or irksome manner. Rather, the same ten generation wait the first time must be true the second time as well. The prize for the Erech Apayim - for the unrelenting perseverance, for not succumbing to all the evil perpetrated by him or her, them or they, was Avrohom Avinu who saved not only his generation but the world and world history forever.

It is no coincidence (as it never is) that this lesson appears and reverberates particularly at this time of year, when we must bone-up on our ability to be Ma’avir on our Middos - to overcome the situations and events, personalities and people who or which have proven themselves to be difficult, thorny, trying , exasperating and even infuriating. Even if the Mabul did come, Hashem teaches us that we must start again at generation one the next time around as well. Impatience does not gets accelerated, and composure must reign, just as it did the first time!

Perhaps the ten generations are the source for the advice to count to ten before saying something that you may regret, taking action that is usually not part of your personality or otherwise losing your mental processes, poise or self-control. Try starting by giving everyone a second chance this week (if you have to start somewhere, start with family) for by having done so, you will have given yourself a second chance as well!

Taken from today's Hakhel post.