Grief and the Passage of Time

It's interesting.

People who haven't visited grief may not be able to relate to this fully. But I still feel a need to explain it. Maybe my words will help them understand. 

And maybe this can help them relate to something deeper.

The more time that passes since my younger brother's death, the more it hurts.

No, not in the intense way it hurt in the beginning, when I cried so much that I didn't know I had the capacity to contain so many tears in my body. 

Not in the way my heart hurt so strongly. Not in the way I felt this ache inside of me, a physical sensation that stayed with me no matter where I went.

None of that.

What hurts so much is that the more time that passes since my brother's death, the more I think about how much he missed out on and how much could have been different if only he was still here.

I think about where he'd be in life and wonder, what kind of girl would he have married? How many kids would they have had by now? Would we still be as close as we were when we were teens? Where would he live? How much would we share? How often would we talk?

I also think about all the milestones he's missed and all the small and big parts of my life I haven't been able to share with him. 

And that hurts.

A lot. 

I imagine how much my life would be different with my brother in it. How much joy and laughter we'd share if he lived nearby, if we'd be able to spend time together and be in each other's company. 

And that makes me reflect upon Hashem and the beis hamikdosh we mourn. While we wish for it to be rebuilt, every year that passes without it only intensifies the grief and mourning.

Another year without the beis hamikdosh? Another year without connection, closeness and clarity? Another year sitting in this galus, distant, disconnected and full of dread for the upcoming fast day?

What would life be like if we had the beis hamikdosh? How would life be different for us if we were living the ideal life and were closer and more connected to Hashem through every milestone and every challenge? Can we even imagine?

Every year that passes without my brother in it makes me miss him more and wish he were here. And it makes me wonder how my life would be so different if he was in it.

Every year that passes without the closeness that geula affords us makes me yearn for it even more deeply. I wonder what my life would look like if I was able to live with the clarity and bond that is only possible once we are out of this galus.

I yearn for more.

My heart aches for change.

My insides desire something so different. 

I imagine a time when we will be able to go to the beis hamikdosh and listen to the beautiful notes of the levi'im, playing their soulful instruments and singing their touching songs and we will be transformed and elevated to a different plane. And we will connect, reflect and be moved to a different realm of existence. Music will become a meditation. Songs will heal our aching souls. Harmony will allow us to reach a state words alone could never accomplish. 

What would our life be like if we had this all along?

That question hurts.

And it hurts more deeply every year.

Because we're still here.

And we long for more.

We yearn for something so much deeper than what we have now.

And the possibility that we could have had it but still live without it makes the yearning that much stronger, that much more intense.

So yes, the more time that passes since my brother's death, the more it hurts. Because I realize that another year passed without him in it and as much as I imagine my life along with him right here, it's still a dream.

And the more time that passes without the rebuilding of the beis hamikdosh, the more it hurts. Because I realize that another year has passed without the closeness and relationship I yearn so deeply for.

Hashem…we are waiting. 

We are hoping.

We are dreaming.

We are praying.

We are doing the best we can.

We want to be closer to you. 

Even with all the distractions.

Don't you see it?

Don't you see our desire?

How much longer will we have to wait?

Why Will I Cry?

Erev Tisha Bav 2024
This year
Why
Will I 
Cry?
Will I cry
For the hostages
Waiting
Yearning
To be released?
Will I cry
For their families 
Waiting
Yearning 
Each moment
Filled with agony
Each day
Feeling like
Eternity 
Not knowing
What their loved ones
Are enduring 
Or if they are 
Still alive?
Or will I cry for
The soldiers
Who are no longer
Alive?
Will I cry for
Entire families
Murdered
On Simchas Torah?
Or will I cry for
Those injured
Stuck in hospitals
In pain 
Recovering 
Slowly?
Will I cry for
Those who lost
Limbs
While fighting 
To protect
Our nation
Our country 
Our people?
Or will I cry for
The wives
Of chayalim
Who have to endure
So much pain
Separation
Uncertainty 
Loneliness
As they yearn for
Their spouse 
To come back?
Will I cry for
The mothers 
Who lost their sons
And daughters
In this war?
Or will I cry for
The siblings 
Who lost 
Their brother
Or sister 
And won't ever see them
Again
In this lifetime?
Will I cry for
The lost souls
Those who don't know
What they're missing?
Or will I cry for
The ones
Who threw it all away
Because they were
Cast away
Despised
And hurt?
Will I cry for
The families
Stuck in fights
Not knowing
How it started
Or how to fix it?
Or will I cry for
The ones
Waiting
To start a family
But can't 
Because they don't have
A spouse
Or can't yet
Have children?
Will I cry for
The children 
Who can't live at home
Because their home
Is at risk
Of rocket fire?
Or will I cry for
The children
Who are living 
In their homes
But live in fear
Of an attack
And can't sleep
At night?
Will I cry for
The soldiers
Who have witness
Things
No one
Should ever see?
Will I cry for the survivors
Of the attacks 
On Simchas Torah
Who went through trauma
Watching their friends
Lose their lives
Before their eyes?
Or will I cry for
Each one
Who was killed
While trying to escape?
Will I cry
For the many homes
That were destroyed?
Or will I cry
For the One
Whose Home
Was destroyed
And is the root
Of all destruction 
We witness
To this day?
Hashem...
Look at Your People
Look at our pain
See our anguish
See our yearning
To come back to You
To be reunited with You
To come home
Bring us all home
So we can once again
Witness
The Kingdom of David
Restored
The Bais Hamikdosh 
Rebuilt
The Kohanim
The Karbanos
The Leviim
The Singing 
The Clarity
The Connection 
And the ultimate
Reunion
Between us and You.

Perfect

 Parshas Emor

When a Jew brought a korban, he had to make sure it did not have any blemishes. The Torah specifies what is considered a blemish that would render an animal unfit for a sacrifice. Hashem, who is perfect in every way, can only be given an animal as a korban that is totally perfect. 

As we try to make sense of what happened yesterday, (which we cannot, it just doesn't make sense,) we need to remind ourselves again and again that Hashem is perfect. He has a plan. He knows what He is doing. We are imperfect. We don't understand why. We shouldn't understand it. If we understood tragedy, we wouldn't be moved by it and we would never feel touched by the pain of others. Let's just remind ourselves that Hashem is perfect. 

May we strengthen our emunah in Hashem during this difficult time and be zoche to the Ultimate Geula so soon!

Why I Cry

I wrote this poem seven years ago. I still remember sitting on a bench on Ocean Parkway in Brooklyn, taking out my notebook and writing.
The message is still relevant now as it was when I wrote it. 
Read and be inspired!

Why I Cry
I look up at
The deep blue sky
And slowly
Teardrops
Form in my eyes
And I 
Begin to cry

Why?
Why do I cry?

I cry because
When I am in pain
When I am hurting
I know how to cry
It's almost...easy
The tears just come

When I am overwhelmed
By...my life
By...my struggles
By...my challenges
By...my difficulties
I know how to cry
Those tears
Spring forth from my eyes

So why?
Is it so hard to cry?
When the month of Av
Comes around
And I should be thinking
Feeling
Hashem's pain
Hashem's loss
Our pain
Our loss
A house that once was
A nation that once was
The glory that once was
A relationship that once was

Why?
Why can't I cry?
Why don't I feel the pain
Why is it
So hard to feel
To make it real
To me?

When I'm having it hard
When someone hurts me
Those tears flow
So freely

When I'm simply taken over
Overwhelmed
By so many little things
And sometimes
Sometimes bigger things
I can cry
Easily

But...Hashem's pain?!
The thought of the kosel
The thought of the shechina in galus
The thought of all that we are missing?
Why doesn't that make me cry?
As simply
As effortlessly
As easily
As my own pain?
As my own life?

Hashem...?
I lift my eyes
Up to Your skies
I think about
Things
Close to me
That hurt me
That touch me
That inspire me
To cry

And I realize...
They are all connected.

It may be easier
For me
To shed tears
Over personal losses
Over personal hurts
Over personal frustrations
Over...my personal life

And I see
I understand
That it all comes from
The same place

A place of emotion
A place of longing
Of yearning
And of hoping

So...although I may not
Be able to cry
Shed real tears
Over bigger losses
Bigger pain
Deeper losses
Deeper pain
I know...
That inside
My heart is crying

And Hashem
Who is bochain libos u'chelayos
Who knows
Who sees
And Who understands
The inner workings
The inner chambers
Of my heart

He knows
He sees
And He understands

The inner sigh
The inner cry

Even
Without
Real tears.

I lift up my eyes
Look up at the shimmering blue sky
Searching
Yearning
Hoping
And...yes.
Crying
Without real tears
But I cry inside 
And Hashem
Understands
Why
I cry.

May we reach the day of u'macha Hashem dim'ah mei'al kol panim. Amen.

There Will Come A Day

This is the most touching poem ever. Read and be inspired. 

There Will Come a Day
By: Yaakov Klein

They will be repaid
These walls
These cold, empty halls
For their unbearable pain
For their anguish

Cherubic faces of small children
Illuminated with excitement
Wide eyes of wonder
The beautiful curiosity of youth
Gave these walls a name:
"Classroom"
All dressed up with
Art projects, bulletin boards, a paper alphabet train
They exuded warmth, comfort, and security
So that their precious charges could learn
So that their precious charges could shine

Furrowed brows and open hearts
Swaying, singing, bowing figures
Bound together with a single goal
To heal the world with prayer
To communicate with their loving Creator
Gave these walls a name:
"Shul"
All dressed up with
Ornate wooden cuts, verses of faith, shelves of sacred texts
They exuded majesty, serenity, and sweet familiarity
So that their precious charges could connect
So that their precious charges could shine

Two souls floating down the aisle
To form an eternal bond under a canopy of blessing
Wide circles of exuberant dance
To music that is too loud
Joy that simply knows no bounds
Gave these walls a name:
"Simcha hall."
All dressed up with
Elegant moldings, elaborate light fixtures, glorious drapings
They exuded royalty, illumination, and other-worldly exultation
So that their precious charges could celebrate
So that their precious charges could shine

And then a virus came along and stole their charges away
Away to different walls, walls called
"Home"
An extreme precaution to stem the spread of illness
A near death-sentence, to these walls
They wept
They whimpered
Their identity threatened and all but shattered

But they did not collapse
No, they dared not collapse
Because they knew that
Difficult as this time-period might be
Spent cowering alone in the eerie silence
Their precious charges would be coming back
Coming back very soon
Very very soon

They stood tall
They stood proud
And they whispered to each other
Through the darkness
"There will come a day"

There will come a day
When the gates are unlocked
And the first busload of children arrive
They will have grown a bit, they will have matured
But their eyes will yet be filled with wonder
Slowly, uncertain in their excitement
They will enter their beloved walls
To join hands with friends
So much more excited
To discover life's answers
Than ever before

There will come a day
When the doors open wide
And the gabbai prepares the shteibel for the very first minyan
Congregants will gather together
The closer the better
Young and old, sephardi and ashkenazi, chassid and litvak
They will have developed immunity to division
During the time of their isolation
Linking arms, binding souls, they will call out
"Amen y'hei Shmei Rabbah"
With more energy
With more gratitude
Than ever before

There will come a day
When the entrance is unbolted
And the guests begin to arrive
Dressed in their finest
Hearts overflowing with the immensity of the celebration
A glorious chuppah saturated with emotion and prayer
The new couple's entrance into crowds bubbling over with joy
A snake formation, hands on each other's shoulders
Dancing the night away
Hearts lifted to heaven
More eager to praise
More eager to love
Than ever before

They will be repaid
These walls
These cold, empty halls
For their unbearable pain
For their anguish

For there will come a day
There will come a day

The Pail-A Story

Someone shared this with me and the message is so perfect for now. 

I love this story and it seems very apt to share right now. Wishing everyone good health, strength and (yes) joy to get through this challenge. 

From Rabbi Yochanan Rivkin in New Orleans:

In light of everything that is being cancelled, including the prayers at Congregation Anshe Sfard of New Orleans, I want to share a Chasidic story.

The two brothers, the famed Rabbi Elimelech of Lizensk and Rabbi Zushe of Anipoli, often wandered about together, posing as simple beggars. They would mingle with the masses, listening, teaching, speaking, helping and guiding whomever and whenever they could.

Once, while they were traveling with a group of vagabonds, members of the group were accused of being thieves, resulting in the entire bunch being thrown into jail. Confident of their innocence and eventual release, the two brothers sat quietly. As the afternoon progressed, Rabbi Elimelech stood up to prepare himself to pray the afternoon service.
"What are you doing?" his brother asked.

"I'm getting ready for minchah," replied Rabbi Elimelech.
Rabbi Zushe pointed at the pail in the corner of the room. "It is forbidden," he said, "to pray in this cell, because the odor coming from that pail makes the room unfit for prayer."
Dejected, the holy Rabbi Elimelech sat down.

Soon after, Rabbi Elimelech began to cry. "Why are you crying?" said Rabbi Zushe. "Is it because you are unable to pray?" Reb Elimelech answered affirmatively.

"But why weep?" continued Rabbi Zushe. "Don't you know that the same G-d who commanded you to pray, also commanded you not to pray when the room is unfit for prayer? Be happy that G-d has afforded you the opportunity to obey His law at this time, no matter what it is."

"You are right, my brother!" exclaimed Rabbi Elimelech, suddenly smiling. The feelings of dejection banished from his heart and mind, Rabbi Elimelech took his brother's arm and began to dance from joy as a result of performing the mitzvah of not praying in an inappropriate place.

The guards heard the commotion and came running. Witnessing the two brothers dancing, the guards asked the other prisoners what had happened. "We have no idea!" they answered, mystified. "Those two Jews were discussing the pail in the corner, when all of a sudden they came to some happy conclusion and began to dance."

"Is that right?" sneered the guards. "They're happy because of the pail, are they? We'll show them!" 
They promptly removed the pail from the cell!

*    *    *    *
As Jews, we need to know that refraining from a Jewish practice such as attending synagogue because of a danger to life and health is as much a mitzvah as engaging in those practices under normal circumstances. We need to joyously thank G-d for allowing us to fulfill his Holy Will, whatever it is. And, perhaps, in merit of that joy, He might just take the pail away...

Parshas Kedoshim

There are many mitzvos in this week's parsha. One of them is the commandment not to take revenge. When someone does something that causes us pain, we are told to refrain from hurting them back. 

When we go through physical, emotional or financial pain in our lives and we know exactly who caused it, it's easy to blame and want to hurt back. If we remind ourselves that no one can cause us any pain unless Hashem allows it, we can stop ourselves from wanting to get back at them. Each person is a messenger from Hashem and for reasons we may not understand, we were supposed to go through this exact experience. 

May we be able to strengthen our belief in Hashem so we can overcome our desire for revenge!

Parshas Beshalach

When the sea split, Bnei Yisroel didn't go across the sea to get to the other side, they went into the Yam Suf and then came out on the exact same side that they went in. Even though that seems pointless, they gained so much from the process of seeing the miracles and experiencing the unity of the nation being saved together.

Whether the waters of our lives are stormy or calm, there IS a purpose to every step we take. It's through the challenges that we become greater people. We may feel like we're going to end up exactly where we started, but at the end, the process called life makes us into stronger, more sensitive, more giving and more growing people.

May we be able to stay strong while we go through life's challenges and use our experiences to help other people!

Parshas Bo

One of the last makkos was that of darkness. When the darkness was so heavy and so thick, the mitzriyim couldn't even move. They became paralyzed. 

When a person is going through a dark time in their life, they can become paralyzed. They can't think clearly and the small things become overwhelming for them. We should try to be the light for them, to illuminate their path by listening to them when they need to talk and by helping in whatever way we can. We should try to by being a good support for them on an emotional and physical level whenever we can.

May we be able to use our capabilities to bring light into the lives of those who are going through hardships and may we always be on the giving end!

After Aleinu

I recently heard this story and was so inspired by the message. It was too good and I wanted to share it.

The men were standing around waiting while the shul slowly filled up with people who were gathering to daven mincha.

As they were almost ready to begin, a young teenager ran into shul and started davening very quickly. He didn't look like he was having much concentration in his tefillos. Some of the congregants gave him a look, others snorted and some elderly men were vocal in their disdain for what they called "today's generation."

One man went so far as to approach this young boy and chastise him. "Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" The man asked. "Is this the way you walk in to shul and daven? You are an embarrassment to the whole kehillah who gathered to daven here!"

The rest of the shul was silent as they continued on with their prayers.

At the end of davening, after aleinu, all the congregants were shocked when they heard this young boy meekly raise his voice to recite kaddish yasom, a special kaddish only recited by an orphan during the first eleven months after the death of their parent.

So he's a yasom! This poor boy is an orphan!

The man who had approached him earlier with his rude comments was so embarrassed, he could barely raise his head to look at the boy. But he gathered his strength and went over to the boy to ask him for mechila.

"I just didn't know! I didn't know about your painful circumstance! I'm so very sorry..."

So many times we look at people and judge them. For their behavior, for their misbehavior or for the way they keep or don't keep certain parts of the Torah. We think they should act differently. Sometimes we keep these thoughts to ourselves and other times we actually yell at the person, all with good intentions. We want them to know that what they are doing is wrong. We want them to know we don't approve of their actions.

But so many times, we just don't know the full story.

So many times, we don't know the reason behind their behavior.

So many times, there is a very painful reason for why they are acting the way they are.

And so many times, we have to wait until "after aleinu" to be able to get a glimpse into the reason why.

It's only "after aleinu," when kaddish yasom is said that we are able to understand why. That we realize that there's pain behind the behavior.

May we be able to accept those who act differently, be understanding of their challenges and be able to give them strength and encouragement to get through the tough times so they can blossom, grow and shine.

Windows

I look up
At the clouds
With the sun peeking through
And I seem to see
Windows
Windows to the heavens
And I wonder...
What is going on
Up there
In the heavens?
What happens?
Up high?
Beyond the clouds
Beyond the sun
Beyond all
We can see
What is going on?
Beyond the windows
If only I can see
Through the clouds
Through the shining rays
Understand the days
And nights
Of life.
Yet I cannot
Understand
I cannot fathom
God's ways
I have tried
But I haven't ever
Been able to 
Understand
His plan.
I look up
At what seems like
Windows
And I wish
I wish I could scream
And let my voice pierce 
The heavens
Let my voice reach
The highest heights
And then 
Like a silent whisper
Ask one question
Can I see my brother?
Can I speak to him?
Can I encounter him?
Can I approach him?
Can I spend time with him?
I have so much to ask him
So much to tell him
So much to share with him
So much to do with him
He is gone for so long
But he is not gone
He is in my heart
Never gone
I wish for so much
Wish we could talk
Wish we could spend
Time forever together 
So instead
He's in my head
All the time
And that's where
We spend time together
I think about him
I fantasize about him
About life
My life
With him in it.
He's certainly in my life
But not in the way
I dream of.
He's just in my dreams
But not in my reality
Sure, in reality
He's here
In my son's name
In the stories we share
About him
But it's just in
Our imagination 
I look up once more
Just to be sure
I can't pierce through the heavens
Through the windows above
That look so ready
To be penetrated
With the welcoming rays
Of the sun
I can't see
What's happening
Up there
I can only imagine
And live
The life I'm meant to live
Down here 
In this world of confusion 
Sometimes darkness
Sometimes light
I hold on tight
With all my might
As I continue to forge ahead
Knowing in my head
That Hashem knows
What's best
And He decided 
It's best for me
To be down here
While my brother 
Was taken
To a place up there
A better place 
A place of light
A place of peace
I have made peace
With it
As I pray for 
The ability
And strength 
To continue 
Living
And giving
With light
And love
And help from Above 
With strength 
And peace 
As long as 
I live.
I miss you
Shalom
More than I ever knew I could
I miss you
Shalom
Even though I believe this is for the good
You are in my thoughts
In my breath
In my heart
And in my mind
All the time
I hope I can
Give hope to those
Who have lost hope
Give strength to those
Who have lost their strength
It's through you
And your story
That I hope
I'll be able 
To give
So much
To those
Who need 
So much. 

A Headache

A headache

Pounding
Deep
Heavy
Penetrating
Made me
Incapacitated
Sent me
To bed
My poor head!
Closed my eyes
Looked inside
To what's inside
That head of mine
Thoughts
Not always good
Maybe I should
Be less
Judgemental?
Be more
Positive?
Look at things
At people
With a favorable
Eye
With a giving eye
Instead of begrudging
Instead of
Judging
My eyesight
Has been
So superficial
So skin-deep
Am I not one to know
That there's so much more
Beyond
The external?
Can I allow judgement to pass?
Can I clear
My head
And heart
And start
To look
With positivity?

Can I look
At God
Without judging
Every move
Every story
Every headline
With questions
With accusations
More limitations
In my belief
Can I just believe
That He knows
What He is doing
And that my small brain
Cannot comprehend
His big plan?

No.
I cannot.
I cannot accept
All the stories
All the headlines
All the pain.
Because that would mean
It wouldn't hurt
I would stop
Praying
Asking
For it to stop
Because I'd accept
His plan
And as long as
I'm alive
I cannot
Accept
The pain
The hardships
The difficulties
The challenges
Of life.
I will keep asking
I will keep questioning
I will keep judging you,
God.
Because as long as
I see pain
As long as
I see suffering
I can not
Accept it.

So my head can hurt
It can throb
Pound
Ache
Shake
And still
I will not stop
Pounding down the doors
Pounding at your throne
Asking you
To change
To stop
The pain
To end
The suffering
And bring the day
When you will do away
With the aches
And pains
Of heads
And hearts
And families
Will be
Whole
Once more.

Parshas Re'ay

After working for 6 years, a Jewish slave must be freed and given generous gifts when he leaves. The Torah says, remember that you were once slaves in mitzrayim. You know what it feels like to be strangers in an unknown land. 

We see that we should use our past experiences to sympathize with other people in similar situations and help them when they are going through their own challenges. We can think about what things were helpful for us when we were in a similar boat and do the same if that would be beneficial for them too.

May we be able to ease the pain of others by utilizing our past experiences to be helpful to them, always with the right dose of insight and intuition!

To Accept

I found my comfort. After feeling like I've been going through inner torture since this story, Hashem sent just me the chizuk I needed. It didn't come from something I read online, or from a video or lecture I listened to... (and I I have been searching for something, anything that would heal my aching soul...)

Yesterday, I opened a pirkei avos to prepare a lesson for my students on sefira. I wanted to highlight some of the "mem ches devarim," 48 ways to acquire Torah. I figured I'll choose the ones most relevant and appropriate for them. As I was readijng through the list (it's in perek shishi), one of them jumped out at me and hit me in the heart. 

One way to acquire Torah is through "kabalas hayesurin," accepting painful things Hashem puts us through. I tried to keep reading, to keep going through the list, but my brain and my heart kept going back to that one.

It hit me.

If we are to live a life of Torah, we will experience painful things. We will not understand many of them. But we need to accept them. We need to accept that this is the will of Hashem.

It doesn't take the pain away. But this thought did soothe an aching heart. My soul was able to find some peace and I was able to rid my head of the crazy thoughts that have been traveling through my brain faster than I could control them these past few days.

When my kids were super cute and delicious, I would worry that it's the good ones that are taken. Every mother who loses a young child talks about how their kid's smile would light up the room. Or how their kid had an exceptional love of life. Or what a fun personality their kid had. Or how caring they were. So when my kids displayed their natural caring heart, my insides would scream...STOP! Don't be so good. So cute. So caring. So yummy. So full of positive energy and love of life. I don't want Hashem to take you Chas veshalom!

I couldn't deal with regular, positive, healthy interactions without thinking that this may be the last time...the last time I tuck my kids into bed, the last time I say "I love you..."

I thought...if this is what happens to someone who went through one loss, who is next? There seemed to be no guarantee that my family would be safe. That those close to me would be blessed to stay alive. 

I was scared. Scared of what the future would bring. Scared for my kids. Scared for everyone close to me that I love and care about. 

But then it hit me. 

Hashem decided to take this special engaged couple because...we don't know why. And we don't have to know why. But we have to accept it. We have to accept this pain so it doesn't rip us apart and hold us back from functioning. 

And this is how we will be able to be mekabel the Torah on shavuos. By realizing that we can't understand some of the difficult challenges Hashem sends to us. We can only accept it as reality and move forward with our spiritual growth. 

We can't let challenges paralyze us and stop us from living life. We have to look at the challenges as an opportunity for us to fix ourselves, to take one small thing upon ourselves so we can become more spiritual. We can become more loving and more expressive of that love towards those closest to us. We should inject joy and happiness into our lives and the lives of those around us. 

This is the way I found comfort and inner peace.

I hope you can, too.

Dear Father of Mine

The following poem was written by a friend, B.K., and I'm posting it with her permission.

Dear father of mine
To you I cry and sigh
Tear after tear
Hoping you do hear
I scream and yell to you
Maybe something it will do
I stand here with great pain
Pain so intense, could go insane

Dear father of mine
I cry and sigh
It’s hard to understand
You left us Behind in the sand
It’s hard to go on
Feel like a part of me is gone
How many more will you take
How can this be for the good of their sake

Dear father of mine
I cry and sigh
Engaged to be wed
And now their dead
So fresh so young 
And for them a grave was dug
I can ask why a million times
And come up with neither answer nor find

Dear father of mine
I cry and sigh
Is this truly life
Full of crime and strife
Days filled with anger and sadness
People shooting with madness
Death signs all over 
People with faces so sober 

Dear father of mine
I cry and sigh
For all those who have died
For parents walking around red eyed
For teens so lost
Sick kids full of exhaust
So many battles fought each day
Yet so pure they never complain 

Dear father of mine
The sun does still shine
I know one day I will look back
See things in white not black
One day I’ll understand why
You made us cry
Why we went through so much hurt
Trying to find you amongst the dirt

Dear father of mine
All these suffering are the sign
The time for redemption has arrived
The Jewish nation please do revive
Glorify your name 
Your place in this world acclaim
Being moshiach now
The goyim to you will all bow

Dear father of mine....

I will continue to cry and sigh..

One Soul

Too much pain
Hurts my brain
Can wrap my head around it
Hurts my heart
I can't start
To imagine it
For those closest to it
A young couple
Engaged to be wed
And instead
Boom
They're dead
How??
How does Hashem allow
Such pain
To remain
To exist 
In this world
Our imperfect world
Our confusing world
Our painful world
In His world
In His book
This all looks
Perfect
How??
How can we understand 
We can't
Make sense
Of something
That doesn't make
Any sense.
A young bride
Smile so wide
Stands beside
Her new partner
Her partner in life
And now in death
They met their end
Right at the beginning 
Of their new life
No chance to be
Husband and wife
No chance to prove
All the wonderful things
They started to know
About each other.
Shidduchim
So complex
So deep
So full
Research
Say yes
Go out
Another yes
And now?
A slap
A no
No
You will not go
The way of most
Brides and grooms
You're escorted to
A different room
To a place where
Neshamos go
Because Hashem knows
That your neshamos glow
Brighter than
The smiles you wore
While you were so sure
Of your wonderful life
Ahead of you
Hashem took you
Away
From your families
Together
Your neshamos were bound
In this world
Two halves
Of one whole
Ready to become
One soul
Now you're one
One with Hashem 
One with each other
One with
Your other brother
The one who
Just two
Years ago
Also
Left this world.
Do all these neshamos 
Hang out together?
Do all of them
Watch us
Cry and remember?
Do all of them have 
The clarity we seek
Oh how I wish
I could have a little peek
A touch of understanding
A hint of clarity
A piece of that light
To illuminate this night
(And a chunk of time
With someone up there
That could stretch til eternity
So we could just share...)
But I am stuck here
Alone and confused
With nothing to gain
And so much to lose
If I just wallow and cry
And continue to ask why
I need to do more than just sigh 
I need to use that why
To propel me to go
To move
And to grow
To higher places
To better places
I wish I could know
Where I am meant to go
In which direction to grow
Where to direct all this pain
So something will be gained
To know what to change
Yet I am left in the dark
I can only do my small part
In trying to fix
Myself
To take this pain
So it won't be in vain
But 
We are stuck
In galus
Without clarity
Or prophets
To help us
To tell us
To explain to us
The true meaning 
Behind each happening
So I will pray
For the day
When we will have
All that
And more
Clarity
Closeness
Connection 
With the One Above
And the ones we love
Hashem...?
Can you strengthen me?
Can you strengthen all of us?
Until that day?