Perfect

 Parshas Emor

When a Jew brought a korban, he had to make sure it did not have any blemishes. The Torah specifies what is considered a blemish that would render an animal unfit for a sacrifice. Hashem, who is perfect in every way, can only be given an animal as a korban that is totally perfect. 

As we try to make sense of what happened yesterday, (which we cannot, it just doesn't make sense,) we need to remind ourselves again and again that Hashem is perfect. He has a plan. He knows what He is doing. We are imperfect. We don't understand why. We shouldn't understand it. If we understood tragedy, we wouldn't be moved by it and we would never feel touched by the pain of others. Let's just remind ourselves that Hashem is perfect. 

May we strengthen our emunah in Hashem during this difficult time and be zoche to the Ultimate Geula so soon!

Shabbos-Never Forget

This poem was written by a friend, B.K. I'm posting it here with her permission. 

Shabbos
A time of peace
Quality time 
With family
Togetherness
Calmness
Was destroyed 
This week.

A time that was a celebration 
To bring forth
A new Jewish child
Ended in destruction. 

Bloody mass destruction.
Parents
Siblings
Children
Their lives
Were overturned
This shabbos.

This shabbos
Will go down
In Jewish history
We can’t forget
We must not forget
The people that were 
Taken from us.

What message
Are we supposed to take
What are we really
Supposed to be mourning
While crying in grief
For the families

If you heard about this,
God specifically wanted you
To hear.
There is a reason.
A change
An action
That you need to take.

Think about it.
Don’t think
About the questions
We cannot understand
Think about the reason
For why you were meant
To hear about this.

Change.
Do it now.
And don’t ever
Forget
About this shabbos.

To Accept

I found my comfort. After feeling like I've been going through inner torture since this story, Hashem sent just me the chizuk I needed. It didn't come from something I read online, or from a video or lecture I listened to... (and I I have been searching for something, anything that would heal my aching soul...)

Yesterday, I opened a pirkei avos to prepare a lesson for my students on sefira. I wanted to highlight some of the "mem ches devarim," 48 ways to acquire Torah. I figured I'll choose the ones most relevant and appropriate for them. As I was readijng through the list (it's in perek shishi), one of them jumped out at me and hit me in the heart. 

One way to acquire Torah is through "kabalas hayesurin," accepting painful things Hashem puts us through. I tried to keep reading, to keep going through the list, but my brain and my heart kept going back to that one.

It hit me.

If we are to live a life of Torah, we will experience painful things. We will not understand many of them. But we need to accept them. We need to accept that this is the will of Hashem.

It doesn't take the pain away. But this thought did soothe an aching heart. My soul was able to find some peace and I was able to rid my head of the crazy thoughts that have been traveling through my brain faster than I could control them these past few days.

When my kids were super cute and delicious, I would worry that it's the good ones that are taken. Every mother who loses a young child talks about how their kid's smile would light up the room. Or how their kid had an exceptional love of life. Or what a fun personality their kid had. Or how caring they were. So when my kids displayed their natural caring heart, my insides would scream...STOP! Don't be so good. So cute. So caring. So yummy. So full of positive energy and love of life. I don't want Hashem to take you Chas veshalom!

I couldn't deal with regular, positive, healthy interactions without thinking that this may be the last time...the last time I tuck my kids into bed, the last time I say "I love you..."

I thought...if this is what happens to someone who went through one loss, who is next? There seemed to be no guarantee that my family would be safe. That those close to me would be blessed to stay alive. 

I was scared. Scared of what the future would bring. Scared for my kids. Scared for everyone close to me that I love and care about. 

But then it hit me. 

Hashem decided to take this special engaged couple because...we don't know why. And we don't have to know why. But we have to accept it. We have to accept this pain so it doesn't rip us apart and hold us back from functioning. 

And this is how we will be able to be mekabel the Torah on shavuos. By realizing that we can't understand some of the difficult challenges Hashem sends to us. We can only accept it as reality and move forward with our spiritual growth. 

We can't let challenges paralyze us and stop us from living life. We have to look at the challenges as an opportunity for us to fix ourselves, to take one small thing upon ourselves so we can become more spiritual. We can become more loving and more expressive of that love towards those closest to us. We should inject joy and happiness into our lives and the lives of those around us. 

This is the way I found comfort and inner peace.

I hope you can, too.

One Soul

Too much pain
Hurts my brain
Can wrap my head around it
Hurts my heart
I can't start
To imagine it
For those closest to it
A young couple
Engaged to be wed
And instead
Boom
They're dead
How??
How does Hashem allow
Such pain
To remain
To exist 
In this world
Our imperfect world
Our confusing world
Our painful world
In His world
In His book
This all looks
Perfect
How??
How can we understand 
We can't
Make sense
Of something
That doesn't make
Any sense.
A young bride
Smile so wide
Stands beside
Her new partner
Her partner in life
And now in death
They met their end
Right at the beginning 
Of their new life
No chance to be
Husband and wife
No chance to prove
All the wonderful things
They started to know
About each other.
Shidduchim
So complex
So deep
So full
Research
Say yes
Go out
Another yes
And now?
A slap
A no
No
You will not go
The way of most
Brides and grooms
You're escorted to
A different room
To a place where
Neshamos go
Because Hashem knows
That your neshamos glow
Brighter than
The smiles you wore
While you were so sure
Of your wonderful life
Ahead of you
Hashem took you
Away
From your families
Together
Your neshamos were bound
In this world
Two halves
Of one whole
Ready to become
One soul
Now you're one
One with Hashem 
One with each other
One with
Your other brother
The one who
Just two
Years ago
Also
Left this world.
Do all these neshamos 
Hang out together?
Do all of them
Watch us
Cry and remember?
Do all of them have 
The clarity we seek
Oh how I wish
I could have a little peek
A touch of understanding
A hint of clarity
A piece of that light
To illuminate this night
(And a chunk of time
With someone up there
That could stretch til eternity
So we could just share...)
But I am stuck here
Alone and confused
With nothing to gain
And so much to lose
If I just wallow and cry
And continue to ask why
I need to do more than just sigh 
I need to use that why
To propel me to go
To move
And to grow
To higher places
To better places
I wish I could know
Where I am meant to go
In which direction to grow
Where to direct all this pain
So something will be gained
To know what to change
Yet I am left in the dark
I can only do my small part
In trying to fix
Myself
To take this pain
So it won't be in vain
But 
We are stuck
In galus
Without clarity
Or prophets
To help us
To tell us
To explain to us
The true meaning 
Behind each happening
So I will pray
For the day
When we will have
All that
And more
Clarity
Closeness
Connection 
With the One Above
And the ones we love
Hashem...?
Can you strengthen me?
Can you strengthen all of us?
Until that day?

Fire

I'm still reeling.

I can't digest this. The enormity of this tragedy...the depth of this pain...It's just to much. 

How will these parents go on?

How?

How can it be that a beautiful family of 8 children is suddenly reduced to a family with just one child? A girl who until now had 7 siblings is now an only child. How can that be?

I have so many questions. Questions I'll (probably) never get answers to.

There are no answers when something so big and so incredibly sad happens.

It's just too much.

Why??

I don't know. 

We can't know. 

We can't understand Hashem's ways.

We don't know why this had to happen.

But...I need to take a message. I need to do something. I can't just cry without changing.

I think about fire. 

Fire...it has such power. 

With fire, one can cook food on the stove, light up a dark room and bring warmth into a cold place. Fire brings peace onto a family when shabbos candles are lit.

But fire can also be so destructive. It can burn a house, it can take people's lives.

It all depends on how it is used.

I think about that. I think about it good and hard. 

There are many things that have this power. The power to build, the power to destroy.

Our words.

Our time.

Our phones.

The internet.

How do we use...Our words?

Are we building or destroying? Are we bringing people up or knocking them down?

How do we use...Our time?

Are we using it constructively, building, doing, changing? Or are we letting time pass, wasting precious moments by not fully being present, by doing things that destroy our souls?

How do we use...Our phones? 

Do we use them to build...relationships? To bring people up? To listen, support, encourage, share positive things? Or are we using those phones to say things that are mean, hurtful and so destructive? 

How do we use...the internet? 

It is such a powerful tool. But just like fire, if it is not used properly, if it is not contained, it will destroy. Our lives, or souls, our relationships...and our very own children. 

Are we building or destroying? Are we creating or ruining....with the very special gifts we've been blessed with?

I can't know why this happened. No one can know. But I can ask the other kind of why. Like R' Rietti says, maduah and lamah both mean why. Maduah, which comes from da, keeps a person in the past. They want to know, to understand...the details, what caused this and what the reasons are. But we can't really know why it had to happen. Why Hashem gave us such a terrible blow. 

The second why, Lamah, comes from Li-mah, to what. What is this bringing me to? How will this horrific tragedy propel me to make changes, to move forward, to become better?

THAT is the only why each of us can answer.

Maybe we can each spend some time thinking about why...what this can bring us to change.

Very soon, we will be burning our chometz, getting rid of the ten pieces of bread we hid after cleaning our houses for pesach. 

Can we also look through our closets, drawers and shelves to see if there is anything in there that should be burned in that fire? Do we have clothing, books, cds or magazines that are not good for our neshamos? Are we hurting our souls with the things we are feeding it?

Let's rid our homes and our souls of things that are not good for our spirituality.

Let us throw the negative forces into the fire, purify our souls so that we can give meaning to the only why we can answer.

May Hashem comfort the Sassoon family...because we cannot think of words of comfort. May Hashem comfort each of us with the ultimate nechama in this month of geula so soon.

Peace

Why?

My heart screams

Why?

Why did this have

To happen?

How?

How?

My insides shout

How did this happen?

How did Hashem

Allow this to happen?

And how?

How will these families

Go on?

Be comforted?

Will they ever

Find comfort

In this loss

In this brutal murder

Of their young sons?

I know

I know there are

No

Answers

In this world

I know this is

An upside-down world

Where good and bad

Are confused

Where happy and sad

Are diffused

Where we don’t know

What is true good

What is really bad

We just don’t know

But there is a plan.

I know

That

I don’t know

But still

I can’t help it

I can’t help crying

I can’t help feeling

This pain

I can’t help wishing

To understand

I know I can’t

I know I wont

In this world

They do.

Those up There

They understand

They know

They are at peace

In a better place

While we

Down here

Continue to

Struggle

Question

Ask

Wonder

Challenge

Wish

And cry.

They don’t need to

Struggle

Or question

They have no

Questions

They have no

Tears

These young boys

And all the other

Little boys

Whose lives ended

Way too soon

For those

Close to them.

They are happy

Up There

Their neshamos rejoice

In that very special place

Reserved for those

Very special souls

Who are held so close

To the One Above

Caressed with love

They know

It’s all for the good

They understand

This is how it should

Be.

There is a plan

Hashem’s guiding Hand

Orchestrated this.

But…this?

Something is amiss

I imagine bliss-up There

So then why

Did they have to die

Like this?

In a way

That makes everyone

Cry?

Why?

If they are going

Up to a place

Of eternal Peace

Then why?

Did they have to die

With such hatred

By bloodthirsty

Murderers?

Animals.

Is that how

They rose

Ascended

To the melech malchei hamlochim

To the place

Of Ultimate Peace?

By dying

This way?

Perhaps-

Perhaps it is

The peace

The unity

The achdus

The togetherness

That was achieved

Through these

Two plus weeks

To find

These missing

Boys

Our boys

Perhaps this

Peace

That came about

Through their

Disappearance

Through their

Tragic story

The unity

The prayers

The mitzvos

The tzeddakah

The peace

Between all

The breaking

Of barriers

Between all

Colors, stripes

Levels and types.

Maybe

Just maybe

The zechus

Of the peace

Their death brought

To this world

Down Here

Brought them up

Way up

There

To a place

Of Ultimate

Peace.

No, they didn’t die

With hatred

They died

With love

Unity

Brotherhood

Achdus

Connection

Between all

Jews.

May their souls

Rise up

May their families

Be blessed

With comfort

From

The Only One

Who can.

May their families

Be strengthened

By the unity

And peace

These little boys

Brought

Onto this world.

This is part of an even longer poem I wrote after I heard the very sad news about these boys and tried to work though some of my questions by writing out my feelings. If you want to see the whole poem, send me an email.

Haunted

I can't sleep.

Every time I close my eyes, I see those three smiling faces. The faces of the three boys we all became so familiar with over these past two weeks.

The sweet, happy, innocent faces of three young boys who just wanted to come home for shabbos.

And I cry.

I can't sleep.

Every time I try, I hear that last phone call. "Chatfu oti" I hear. I hear those animals yelling at our three boys. I hear them screaming, "Rosh Limata" again and again. I hear the gunshots.

I try to squeeze my eyes shut, stop my pounding heart, but those images remain with me.

I am haunted. 

I am in that car with those three boys. I feel their terror. I feel their panic. My heart constricts with pain. I see the guns, I feel the bullets. I feel the confusion and utter sense of loss as these boys-our boys-me-face their unknown, scary, near-death.

And I have so many questions.

What went through their minds during those last moments?

Who died first?

How much did they fight back?

What was it like for the boys who were still alive to see their friends being shot? Killed?

How much pain were they in?

How?

Why?

And I know that I will never know.

But I ask.

I am thirsty. Thirsty for knowledge.

I want to know.

Everything.

I want to understand.

Something.

I know I cannot understand.

But I want to make sense of this.

I want to try.

I want to make sense of the senseless.

Of this crazy, horrific story.

I read everything I can.

I check the news, hoping to gain insight. Clarity. Understanding.

All I get is confusion.

I don't understand.

I can't understand.

I can't wrap my head around this.

My mind can't stretch far enough to understand this.

My head feels like it's going to explode.

My mind has wandered far enough.

My heart feels so much pain.

I'm back in the car with these three boys.

I am haunted.

I can't think other thoughts.

I cannot be distracted-not at this hour.

How are these parents functioning?

How are the siblings dealing with this?

I am far, far away from them all. But I feel so close.

Am Yisroel is crying.

We are all mourning together.

We all feel this incredible pain.

There is so much we don't understand. So much we can't understand.

Yet, one thing we do know.

These three boys are sitting together, in a place so lofty and so high, reserved for the kedoshim, those holy souls whose lives were taken just because they were Jews.

And they understand.

They know.

They know why.

This all makes sense to them.

And I try to find a measure of comfort in that.

In the knowledge that Someone understands, even though I cannot.

This unbelievable tragedy connected Am Yisroel and brought us all together.

We are One Nation, united. We are not divited by externals-by the kind of yarmulka we wear, by the way we cover our hair, the way we dress, the shuls we daven in. We are One.

We all connected through this painful story and davened to Hashem to #BringBackOurBoys.

Hashem listened.

He heard.

But He brought those boys back to His throne. Close to Him.

That's where He wanted them.

They are up there, at peace, at Home.

We are down here, confused and so alone.

Hashem, now we daven, bring US back Home.

How Can One Believe in Hashem After This?

Someone submitted this question anonymously: How can one believe in Hashem after this?

You want to know how one can believe in Hashem after such a horrific story. I have a different question for you. How can one not believe in Hashem after this?!

Only Hashem, who is way above and beyond our understanding could make something as crazy as this happen. If Hashem were just a friend who we can sit down with and have a conversation with and try to understand the way He works, then He would not be a G-d. A G-d is someone who is by definition above our understanding and so there will be times when we will not be able to get clear answers as to why things happen.

It's hard.

But it's the reality of life and the definition of what a G-d really is.

Only Hashem could have caused such a crazy story such as this one to happen. We try to understand, we try to figure out if there is someone to blame, something that could have been prevented and we come up with nothing.

These parents were so careful with the safety of their child. This was the first time they let him walk alone and planned the route with him so they'd meet up at the right time and place.

But it was not meant to be.

When Hashem gave the job to the malach hamaves, the Angel of Death, he didn't want to do it. He said, "I don't want a job that will make people look down upon me." So Hashem told him, "Don't worry. Every time you do your job, whenever you take someone's life away, people wont even realize that it was you who did it." And that's why when someone passes away, people are always finding someone, some reason, some piece of negligence, some other excuse as to why the person died the way he did. People blame the driver who was driving too fast, the doctors who could have done something else, the illness...but in this case there is nothing and no one to blame! It is obvious and clear that this is the work of a very scary Angel of Death and the work of G-d and G-d alone.

No one else could have made this happen but Hashem.

And that is why I can say I still believe in Him, even after such a horrible story.

After such a story, it is still very important to strengthen our trust and belief in Hashem and I can understand that this shook you up and gave you some questions to think about.
But if you know that only Hashem could have caused it, you are already a step in the right direction.

What you need to remember is that we have a long history with a proven track record of trust in Hashem as our G-d, our King and our Savior.

Hashem created the world and everything in it, from the tiniest ant, to the little worm, to the dog and cat and elephant and everything in between.

He created the first person who existed in this world and every person who came after him.

He's the one behind the story of Yosef and the brothers and He caused 70 people to go down to mitzrayim and endure suffering there. And then He redeemed us, a nation that grew to over one million people, through unbelievable miracles, such as the 10 makos, from when water turned into blood up until the death of the firstborn of each Egyptian household. He led us out of the land that we suffered in-Egypt-and then through His miracles we crossed the sea and our enemies drowned.

He kept us alive throughout the 40 years we spent in the dessert by keeping us nourished through the mon and well hydrated with the water from the well of Miriam. We were also protected by the heavenly clouds on all sides so no nation or animal could attack us.

He brought us into the holiest land, Eretz Yisroel, and kept us going even after the first and second Bais Hamikdosh were destroyed.

Throughout our long and bitter exile, whenever any nation tried to destroy us, we have remained alive and they have not been able to wipe us out.

And one person, one murderer, who brutally took the life of a precious and innocent Leiby Kletzky a"h, is going to shake our rock solid faith in Hashem, who did so much for us as a nation and does so much for each of us as an individual?!

How can any of us let this one person, this murderer, cause our emunah in Hashem to crumble?!

Hashem wakes you up every morning.

Every second of the day that you are alive and breathing is because Hashem is blowing air into your body and keeping your heart pumping blood through your veins.
You are able to see because Hashem wills it so.
You can read and understand what this says only because that is the will of Hashem, because He is your Loving Father and wants you to know that this one story cannot shake the belief we all have in Him.
He does so much good for you.

We cannot let one monster get rid of the everlasting belief we have in Hashem, who brought us into this bitter exile and kept us alive throughout all these years and will redeem us with miracles - miracles that are greater and more awe-inspiring than the miracles He performed in Mitzrayim.

May that day come very soon!

I would really appreciate if the person who asked this question can please let me know if this helped you and if you still have any questions.