Always

Why?

Why do I always think about you…write about you…and talk about you?

Not just when it’s your yartzeit or when we bench Rosh Chodesh Tammuz and I feel it in the air. That it’s coming closer again.

All the time.

Whenever I had to write an assignment, it went back to…Shalom. When I had to write a paper for college, it was on the topic of…Shalom. When I had to give a five minute presentation to my class-sociology of all topics, it also was about you, Shalom.

I talked about the color orange and how it is a unique blend of two colors. I explained that orange combines the passion of red with the warmth of yellow.

I spoke about the research done and that orange represents strength during difficult times. And then I said that it was your favorite color.

It’s mine too.

What did it mean for you?

It was THE color that spoke for the Jewish residents of Gaza who were expelled from their homes. The orange ribbons that adorned your bunkhouse that summer were symbolic; they showed that you cared about these unfortunate Jews. Your heart was with them in the summer of 2005. You hoped and prayed the expulsion of Gush Katif would not take place.

You cared about them-even though they didn’t look like you on the outside.

Shalom a”h, the yeshiva boy who always looked neat, in a clean white shirt, black hat and jacket, cared for the Jewish people in Gush Katif. Even though they dressed in shorts and colored shirts and wore sandals and those famous orange t-shirts.

You didn’t care about the outside. You cared about them because they were yidden-our brothers and sisters.

Did you know how much we cared about you? Did you know how much losing you would affect us? It still affects us…even twelve years later.

We will never forget you.

And maybe that’s why, no matter where I go or what place I’m in, it always goes back to…Shalom.

I write about you.

I talk about you.

I think about you.

I care about you.

I love you…and I miss you.

And I’ll never, ever forget you.

I make sure of that by always bringing you up. When I have an opportunity to inspire others by the special stories about you, I share them. And they are touched and moved.

This past Shabbos, I was away with my family and overheard another woman talking about her birthday. When we got together for a Pirkei Avos shiur, she seemed to be somewhat sad about her age and shared some of her feelings with the women gathered there. I couldn’t resist. I opened my mouth and I spoke.

I spoke about how lucky she is to be able to celebrate another birthday and that not everybody gets to reach her age. R’ Avigdor Miller zt”l says that every birthday is a reason to celebrate and we should thank Hashem for another year of life.

And then I told my story…how my brother only lived until the age of fifteen and was niftar two weeks before his sixteenth birthday.

I talked about how it happened and I talked about (some of) the things that made you special.

I said how you cleaned up on motzei Shabbos nachamu after the dancing was over so that everyone would come to a clean, orderly bais medrash the following morning-only a few hours after you went to sleep.

I talked about how you did chessed in a quiet way, asking me to send staples for a staple gun after you overheard another kid in camp saying he needed one.

I was reminded of the time you broke your hand when you fell off your bike so you wouldn’t hurt a bird that was in your way. And I shared that story too…with the lesson of how we should be careful with the feelings of others.

There were plenty of stories I didn’t share.

But talking about you left a mark on a group of women who never met you.

Your life continues to inspire other people, even though you are no longer here.

And that is what I hope to continue to do. To inspire. To motivate. To encourage others that they too can achieve greatness-through the little things they do.

It’s the twelfth yartzeit but somehow, it’s hard to believe twelve years have passed since you were here in this world.

A lot happened in these twelve years.

Yet, thinking about you makes me feel like I just saw you. I just waved goodbye to you on that last visiting day we spent together.

The memories are so vivid; they are so clear.

So, while I wish you were still here with all of us, I keep reminding myself that this is all part of Hashem’s plan. A plan we cannot understand.

But it’s for the best.

That, along with the fact that the ripples of your life continue to spread, is what gives me comfort.

L’ilui nishmas Shalom ben Chaim Nosson

Winter-A Poem

I wrote this a year ago and can appreciate the message even more as I continue to live and experience the truth of what I wrote. May you all be able to see growth and change as you go through the seasons of the year and the seasons of life.

Winter's here
Trees are bare
'cept for some snow
Who would know
What's going on beneath the ground
Under the snow covered mound
Of dirt
Of grass
Of concrete for some
So much
Going on
Beneath the surface
So much
Happening
Underground
But we can't see it.
Just because we can't see it
Doesn't mean it isn't happening
So much growth
So much change
Down there
Even though
Up here
The trees remain bare
The plants aren't there
No flowers to behold
Just emptiness.
But then...
Spring comes!
The sun begins to shine
The leaves begin to rustle
The plants
And fruit
And flowers
Begin to blossom
To grow
To add color
And light
Make bright
Our days
Our time
Outdoors
How?
How did that all happen?
So quickly
Seemingly
It's because
When we couldn't see
Beneath the surface
So much was happening
Underneath the surface
We just don't have
The vision
To see it.
Life brings with it
Many seasons
And during the winter
When things are hard
Dark
And cold
Harsh
Difficult
Sometimes seemingly
Unbearable
We must remember
We must internalize
We must believe
That there is something
Something very deep
Something very profound
Going on
Beneath the surface
It's so big
Yet so tiny
So...precious
Yet so hard to grasp
That we cannot even see it
We cannot even notice it
During the harsh winter
But then...
When Spring arrives
It's suddenly so clear!
It's so...there!
You can't even miss it if you tried
It stares you in the face
The growth
The change
The color
The depth
The newness
It's a whole different creation
WE become different
WE become new
WE change
WE grow
With a depth
With a maturity
With a resilience
With strength
With character
All because of
The winter
All because of
The darkness
All because of
The hard times
When we couldn't see
We were in so much pain
We couldn't even notice
The tiny changes
But once they happened
Little changes grew
Little steps became a staircase
Climbing up
Reaching up
Forever higher.
All during the cold, harsh winter
When Spring arrives
We can finally see
The beauty
The color
Of our blossoming character.
Stay strong.
Hold on through the cold.
Hold on when it's dark.
Hold on when it's so tough.
You will grow.
You will blossom.
You will change.
And when the Spring comes
You'll finally
Be able
To see it
Yourself.

Winter-A Poem

Winter's here
Trees are bare
'cept for some snow
Who would know
What's going on beneath the ground
Under the snow covered mound
Of dirt
Of grass
Of concrete for some
So much
Going on
Beneath the surface
So much
Happening
Underground
But we can't see it.
Just because we can't see it
Doesn't mean it isn't happening
So much growth
So much change
Down there
Even though
Up here
The trees remain bare
The plants aren't there
No flowers to behold
Just emptiness.
But then...
Spring comes!
The sun begins to shine
The leaves begin to rustle
The plants
And fruit
And flowers
Begin to blossom
To grow
To add color
And light
Make bright
Our days
Our time
Outdoors
How?
How did that all happen?
So quickly
Seemingly
It's because
When we couldn't see
Beneath the surface
So much was happening
Underneath the surface
We just don't have
The vision
To see it.
Life brings with it
Many seasons
And during the winter
When things are hard
Dark
And cold
Harsh
Difficult
Sometimes seemingly
Unbearable
We must remember
We must internalize
We must believe
That there is something
Something very deep
Something very profound
Going on
Beneath the surface
It's so big
Yet so tiny
So...precious
Yet so hard to grasp
That we cannot even see it
We cannot even notice it
During the harsh winter
But then...
When Spring arrives
It's suddenly so clear!
It's so...there!
You can't even miss it if you tried
It stares you in the face
The growth
The change
The color
The depth
The newness
It's a whole different creation
WE become different
WE become new
WE change
WE grow
With a depth
With a maturity
With a resilience
With strength
With character
All because of
The winter
All because of
The darkness
All because of
The hard times
When we couldn't see
We were in so much pain
We couldn't even notice
The tiny changes
But once they happened
Little changes grew
Little steps became a staircase
Climbing up
Reaching up
Forever higher.
All during the cold, harsh winter
When Spring arrives
We can finally see
The beauty
The color
Of our blossoming character.
Stay strong.
Hold on through the cold.
Hold on when it's dark.
Hold on when it's so tough.
You will grow.
You will blossom.
You will change.
And when the Spring comes
You'll finally
Be able
To see it
Yourself.

Candlesticks

My silver is turning

Gold

It's starting to look

Old

And so I take out

The silver polish

So I can make

My candlesticks

Gleam

Shine

Sparkle.

I put on my gloves

Start scrubbing

Rubbing

Elbow grease

Eyebrows crease

In concentration

Determination

To get these candlesticks

To shine.

 

Isn't it interesting

I think

That I have to

Dirty

These candlesticks

In order to get them

To shine?

Can't I just use 

A little soap

In the hope

That they'll get

Clean?

The polish

With the sponge

And my rubbing

And scrubbing

Turn these gold looking

Sticks

Into a beauty

A silver

A color so clean

That it gleams

From all the pressure

From all the dirt

From all the suds

That are part of

This process.

 

I process

This

And I know

That it is all the dirt

All the work

All the pressure

The pain

The hardships

The scrubbing

And rubbing

The tough cleaning

Called Life

That make

My soul

My essence

The person

I will one day

Become

Shine

Gleam

Become clean.

 

I will endure

I will persevere

I will stay strong

So I can

Become stronger

Better

And shine

Brighter

Just like

My candlesticks.

Pesach Thoughts

I posted this last year and wanted to share it with you again. These thoughts are both taken from the haggadah by R' Shimshon Pincus zt"l.

* * *

Pesach is the time of the birth of Klal Yisroel. Just like when a baby is born, all the nurses and doctors are running around, making sure everything is fine and there is no dirt around - all the tools are sterile and clean, when Pesach comes and we are about to be born anew, we must make sure there is no dirt, no yetzer hara around. And so we run around cleaning our houses and making sure there is not a speck of dirt to be found. We clean our houses thoroughly. When cleaning, we are getting rid of the yetzer hara inside of us. That is why it is so important not to even have one bit of chometz in the house and the punishment is so severe. A newborn baby who is treated with anything less than perfectly clean utensils can catch an infection chas v'shalom. Everything has to be sterile because the baby's immune system is not built up yet.

Since we are building ourselves into a person (and Klal Yisroel into a nation), we must start from scratch - from the beginning. And we must make sure there is no dirt, only purity and cleanliness.

During the seder, we go through many different steps to build ourselves as a person. That is Pesach, the time when we are born.

Then comes Shavuos-the bar mitzvah when we accept the mitzvos upon ourselves. But in order to receive the Torah, we have to prepare ourselves for it. That's what sefira is about. It's a time to prepare ourselves for kaballas haTorah. Each day, we can climb a rung in the spiritual ladder so when Shavuos comes, we are ready to accept the Torah.

* * *

Another interesting thing I read in R' Shimshon Pincus's hagaddah was on the paragraph of "Amar Rabbi Elazar ben Azaria, harei ani k'ven shiv'im shana" Rabbi Elazar the son of Azaria said, I am like someone who is seventy years old. Why was he like a seventy year old man? Because he was really eighteen years old but overnight Hashem made him grow a white beard so he should look like an older man and then people will accept what he would say.
Hashem made him grow a white beard. What's the difference between a black beard and a white beard, or the colors black and white?

The color black is a mixture of all the other colors. When a little child takes his crayons and colors a whole bunch of colors on a paper, it ends up one dark color - black. When a person is young, he has a black beard which signifies the reasons why he may do something spiritual. For example, a young man decides he wants to learn Torah. So why is he learning? He has a lot of different reasons. Maybe he wants to become a rosh yeshiva. Maybe he wants a good shidduch. Maybe he wants kavod, so people will look at him and say, "Wow! Did you see what a masmid he is?" and then he'll feel good inside. Maybe he wants to impress his childrens' future mechutanim and then his children will get good shidduchim.

The color white, on the other hand, is the purest color. It represents old age because at that point, a person doesn't have all these "other reasons" for doing mitzvos and spiritually uplifting acts. The old man knows he has no chance of becoming a rosh yeshiva anymore. Kavod?! Everybody knows who he really is! His children are already married so he has no one to impress. So why is he learning? Because Hashem said it's a mitzvah to learn His holy Torah!! This man doesn't have any outside factors influencing his decision of why he wants to do the mitzvos. He is nearing the end of his life and so his actions are pure and white - which is symbolized by the white beard.

I thought this was such a cool thing - it's so amazing that you can learn human nature from the haggadah!!

Anyone else have any interesting thoughts on Pesach or divrei torah they remember that they want to share?

Attitude - A Poem

“Attitude is the mind’s paintbrush; it can color any situation”

I have two pair of glasses,
I wear them every day,
The difference is that one is “Rose”
And one is tinted “Grey”

There are some days
When things go wrong,
I end up feeling “Blue”
My mood is bad,
I’m feeling sad,
But I know just what to do!
I change my pair of glasses
To the one that’s tinted “Rose”
My day looks so much brighter,
I forget about my woes.

My friend got a new dress to wear
It’s much nicer than mine
Uh oh! I’m “Green” with envy
My dress is not as fine
I change my pair of glasses
To the one that’s tinted “Rose”
And say “What a pretty dress you have
I love your taste in clothes.”

My sister that is one years old
Tore my new book page by page
I yelled, and screamed, and shouted
And turned “Purple” with rage.
I change my pair of glasses
To the one that’s tinted “Rose”
I forgive my little sister
“Cuz that’s all a baby knows!”

My friend and I argued
We called each other names
We hurt each others feelings
My face turned “Red” with shame
I change my pair of glasses
To the one that’s tinted “Rose”
I told her “I am sorry”
We’re friends again, not foes.

Wouldn’t days be happy
And wouldn’t weeks go by
With “Neon hues of color”
If we would only try?
To wear one pair of glasses
Not the “Clouded or the “Grey”
But our “Rose Tinted Glasses”
To brighten every day!!

This is the first of a new series on CHARACTER PERFECTION taken from http://www.chinuch.org/ by Miss Antebi

Pesach - Afterthoughts

I know it's a little late but I just wanted to share two really nice thoughts on Pesach and the haggadah from R' Shimshon Pincus zt"l. I wanted to post them a while ago but it's been really busy and I finally got a chance to sit down and type them up. I figured, better late than never, right?!

* * *

Pesach is the time of the birth of Klal Yisroel. Just like when a baby is born, all the nurses and doctors are running around, making sure everything is fine and there is no dirt around - all the tools are sterile and clean, when Pesach comes and we are about to be born anew, we must make sure there is no dirt, no yetzer hara around. And so we run around cleaning our houses and making sure there is not a speck of dirt to be found. We clean our houses thoroughly. When cleaning, we are getting rid of the yetzer hara inside of us. That is why it is so important not to even have one bit of chometz in the house and the punishment is so severe. A newborn baby who is treated with anything less than perfectly clean utensils can catch an infection chas v'shalom. Everything has to be sterile because the baby's immune system is not built up yet.

Since we are building ourselves into a person (and Klal Yisroel into a nation), we must start from scratch - from the beginning. And we must make sure there is no dirt, only purity and cleanliness.

During the seder, we go through many different steps to build ourselves as a person. That is Pesach, the time when we are born.

Then comes Shavuos-the bar mitzvah when we accept the mitzvos upon ourselves. But in order to receive the Torah, we have to prepare ourselves for it. That's what sefira is about. It's a time to prepare ourselves for kaballas haTorah. Each day, we can climb a rung in the spiritual ladder so when Shavuos comes, we are ready to accept the Torah.

* * *

Another interesting thing I read in R' Shimshon Pincus's hagaddah was on the paragraph of "Amar Rabbi Elazar ben Azaria, harei ani k'ven shiv'im shana" Rabbi Elazar the son of Azaria said, I am like someone who is seventy years old. Why was he like a seventy year old man? Because he was really eighteen years old but overnight Hashem made him grow a white beard so he should look like an older man and then people will accept what he would say.
Hashem made him grow a white beard. What's the difference between a black beard and a white beard, or the colors black and white?

The color black is a mixture of all the other colors. When a little child takes his crayons and colors a whole bunch of colors on a paper, it ends up one dark color - black. When a person is young, he has a black beard which signifies the reasons why he may do something spiritual. For example, a young man decides he wants to learn Torah. So why is he learning? He has a lot of different reasons. Maybe he wants to become a rosh yeshiva. Maybe he wants a good shidduch. Maybe he wants kavod, so people will look at him and say, "Wow! Did you see what a masmid he is?" and then he'll feel good inside. Maybe he wants to impress his childrens' future mechutanim and then his children will get good shidduchim.

The color white, on the other hand, is the purest color. It represents old age because at that point, a person doesn't have all these "other reasons" for doing mitzvos and spiritually uplifting acts. The old man knows he has no chance of becoming a rosh yeshiva anymore. Kavod?! Everybody knows who he really is! His children are already married so he has no one to impress. So why is he learning? Because Hashem said it's a mitzvah to learn His holy Torah!! This man doesn't have any outside factors influencing his decision of why he wants to do the mitzvos. He is nearing the end of his life and so his actions are pure and white - which is symbolized by the white beard.

I thought this was such a cool thing - it's so amazing that you can learn human nature from the haggadah!!

Anyone else have any interesting thoughts on Pesach or divrei torah they remember that they want to share?