everyone has huge challenges to overcome... This is my personal Yitzias Mitzrayim

Ninth grade was the beginning of my whirlwind; so many confusing thoughts inundated my mind. I began to wonder about my purpose in life, why I should follow the path of Torah, and my belief in Hash-m was wavering. I was thinking and observing the world around me, and questioning my religious lifestyle.

Then it came, with a force so strong I could not refute it. A false accusation was hurled at me by my high school principal, and it hit me like an avalanche. "We know where you were yesterday. Don't try to deny it. We know what you were doing."

I was just a frightened teen, who wanted so much to be trusted and understood. But here I was in the principal's office, being charged with a crime I never committed.

"Yea, right, just shopping at the mall," the principal's voice reverberated in my ears. "That's all you were doing there."

"I really was. I was only shopping, I promise," I pleaded. "Why won't you believe me?"

"You were hanging out with boys, and at the movies. Go ahead, admit it," he snarled at me.

No matter what I said, my words were interpreted as proof that I was guilty. My tears were misconstrued as admission that I was a liar,and a girl who did not deserve to be in such an elite high school.

These words became my self-fulfilled prophecy. I became all those things, as I embarked on a downward spiral that led me into the depths of a nightmarish pit, from which I could not extract myself.

I felt that if everyone looked down at me and I was not trusted, then why not do whatever I wanted. I tried to convince myself that it was so much more exciting to misbehave and be a part of the other crowd. Together we partied until the wee hours of the morning. We spoke using inappropriate language, and dressed as we pleased. I was accepted by this group without any questions, and turned to them for succor.

On the first night of Chanukah, while my family was sitting around the table playing dreidel, I decided to take my own "spin." I announced that I was going off to the JCC to exercise. After I left, my mother sent my sister to spy on my whereabouts. She came back home and reported that I had turned up the block in the opposite direction, and had definitely not gone to the JCC.

I paid no heed to the agony I was causing my family, nor did I care that I had disrupted the Chanukah atmosphere. Instead of going to the JCC, I went out to the movies with some guys, where I could enjoy a night of fantasy and pleasure. On the way home, I asked them to drop me off at the JCC, since I felt the need to placate that inner voice in my heart which made me feel guilty for lying and cheating. I called my parents from the JCC's pay phone to tell them that I was coming home. They insinuated that something was amiss with my claim of having been at the JCC all night.

When I came home, I was attacked with a barrage of questions about where I had been. My parents had not only sent my sister to spy on me and see where I was going, they had also called the JCC to ascertain if I had been there. I knew I had gotten myself into a huge mess, but still refused to acknowledge the truth. I kept denying their accusations, and claimed that I had gone to pick up a friend of mine and that we went there together.

I used many different tactics to cover up and escape to my other world. I would pretend that I had a "babysitting job," while in truth I had arranged to meet with some guys. Sometimes we went to the movies, other times we went out to shoot pool, and often we just hung out in a nearby park.

One night, when I really did have a babysitting job, I thought of a great idea. No one would suspect anything, and I could invite some boys over to join me. The guys and I were enthralled with each other's company, and were not cognizant of the raucous we were creating. We were absorbed in our rowdy conversation, and were oblivious to the cries of the baby. All the other little kids were woken up, and they came traipsing into the dining room. They were bewildered by the sight that greeted them, and innocently asked me, "Who are those guys sitting on the couch?" I had to quickly think of something plausible, and blurted out, "They're my cousins. Don't we look alike?!"

The next morning, an infuriated Mrs. Klein phoned my mother, and alleged that I was guilty of intolerable behavior while babysitting. My mother was mortified with what she heard, and tried to appease Mrs. Klein. Then she immediately hastened over to pick me up from school, and took me out for brunch. While trying to conceal her anguish, my mother discussed this issue with me, but I vehemently denied it all. I said that a neighbor's son had knocked on the door to ask for some bread, and that Mrs. Klein misinterpreted what her children had said. I was convinced that my mother believed me, but inside I felt dispirited; I knew I had lied.

To be continued... Please let me know what this does for you, how it inspires you...
Because whoever does not know, this is my own real true story of finding Hashem....