Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Comforting Mourners

I went to make a shiva call today and was really nervous about it. Someone I work with lost her brother very suddenly this past week. He was just 23 years old and wasn't even married yet. Going back to a shiva house always brings back memories, makes my stomach churn and my heart stop...

Even though I was so nervous about going, it Baruch Hashem went really well. As soon as i told her that I also lost my brother who was younger then me I was able to almost see her heart melting!! Like the fact that she saw that I went through something similar all of a sudden made her listen to the things I was saying and I felt like I could really talk to her from my heart - on a whole different level! It's amazing how Hashem made that if someone goes through something they could relate to other people going through the same kind of thing and the other person is so much more open to what the person has 2 say!

I told her some things people had said to our family when we were sitting shiva that I knew felt comforting. As I spoke, I saw her eyes getting teary...I almost felt like I would burst out crying a few times while I was there but I held myself back even though my heart was totally aching just to be there.

She passed around some pictures of her brother from when he was younger and at his bar mitzvah - he was such a happy and cute boy! So I told her and her mother that these pictures bring such comfort because all a parent wants is for her child to be happy and you see you did yours - he was happy!

And then I told her some other things...and I thought I would walk out of there bawling but surprisingly I felt so much better after! Even though of course I was teary eyed when I left but I didn't feel "down" I felt okay.

Baruch Hashem it was better than I expected, especially since I don't know her so so well, just here and there but I had really wanted to go because I felt I could relate to the pain she is in...Hashem is so good! He gave me the ability to comfort someone else somewhat while she is in pain - and only because I went through something similar!!

And yes, it does hurt every time I have a little reminder about my brother. The pain goes away but it comes back again from time to time. But when someone else goes through a loss and it's someone I know or I have to go to a shiva house then it all starts to come back to me...

Her brother also had a freaky story - it was a real shock to the family because he was 100% fine and then on Shabbos he got a virus, then he stopped breathing and then collapsed. Hatzalah came but there was nothing they could do! They now have a medical term for it, they call it "walking pneumonia" - but really it's just something that cannot be explained, could not have been prevented and there's nothing anyone could do except just accept that this is what Hashem wanted.

So I mentioned something that I've written here before. When Hashem gave the malach hamaves his job, he did not want to take it because he said that everyone will always look down at him. So Hashem said, don't worry, whenever you take someone's life, people wont even notice that it's you because they will be so busy figuring out the story and blaming everyone else...they'll forget that it's really you who is behind it. And that's what happens - we blame the doctors, the sickness, the car...without realizing that when someone's time is up and when something is meant to happen, it will happen! If you really look at this story, there's no way to explain it! This boy's time was up and there was nothing that could be done! We can blame the virus, give it a medical term but the truth is that it was his time...

It's so sad but Hashem has His reasons why He does things and we don't understand. This boy fulfilled his mission in this world and now it's time for him to get rewarded for all the good things he did while he was alive! We should all take a message from this to take advantage of the time we have while we are alive in this world and do the best we can and the most we can...because a person never knows when their last moment will be!

I was also so amazed by the mother, how she had such strength to say, "Hashem gave us a gift and now he decided it was time to take him back..." which yes we believe it's true that our time in this world is a gift but to hear it from someone going through something so difficult, in the midst of her pain, that is amazing and that is inspiring!!

May we be able to learn from this story and take the message so that this will be the last tragedy we hear about. The next thing we should hear is the shofar of moshiach so that we can have techiyas hameisim and all families, parents, children, brothers and sisters will be reunited!

15 comments:

  1. wow devora this is not normal how can a mother say just like that that her son was a gift and now it was taken away! this mother is not normal!

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  2. Devorah, I'm not surprised that you were able to say things that were comforting. You really have a gift of giving chizzuk and just knowing what to say. I wish you didn't have anything in common with this girl though...
    B'h I can't imagine the pain both of you went through but the fact that you still are so full of good cheer and chizzuk is very inspiring to me.

    May we only hear besuros tovos from here on.

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  3. If dying is as much part of life as life itself is, and if it is merely our time in this Prozdor being up, then WHY wouldn't Hashem teach us how to deal with it? And why would He make our emotions and intellect so not aligned when it comes to death? Why did He make death so painfulf or the mourners if it's really no bigger deal or miracle and is no less a mere continuation of nature and life, like breathing, smiling, eating, etc. Why is it such a harsh concept??

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  4. Tamar- because it's the very epitome of realizing that we are not in control. We feel such loss when a person passes because of how badly we need them, or think we need them. And if I needed them, then of course they shouldn't pass on... It's a merely a reminder that we are no in control in the most painful way possible.... but it cements the fact that Hashem si in control and we must rely on Him and realize it's His master plan at work. It hurts, more than anything, but not realizing that Hashem is the One who ordered it, and not callsing to Him about it is even more painful...
    I know in times of loss, often words of chizuk fall short, and when we have questions, even shorter... but, I hope this helps somewhat.

    Amazing post Devorah. Thank you so much for sharing this... in times of darkness, it is so safe knowing there is someone there to hold your hand... the fact that you had something to relate to with this family, hard, and difficult as it is, shows a carefully woven web... designed to show us His work...

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  5. I'm amazed at the mother's strength. Losing a child...I can't even fathom that kind of pain.

    I agree with SIR. You do have a gift, and you're a real inspiration.

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  6. Anon-I know. It's amazing for a mother to be able to say that. One thing I could tell you is that this is something that could not have been an automatic response unless she had worked on her emunah and trust in Hashem throughout her life...even when things were good, to acknowledge the gifts that He gave! So when something like this happened, she was able to respond by saying this child was a gift!

    SIR-Thanks so much and amen. Unfortunately, it takes someone who has been through it to understand other people - but that too is a gift from Hashem! People feel they could relate to others who are/were in a similar situation and will listen to them much faster and that's how we could go through painful things in life!

    Tamar - You are 100% right with what you say but many times there is a gap between the intellect and the emotions. We may all know in our heads that this world is just a passageway to get us to the next world but how many of us really feel that way in our hearts? If we truly felt that, we would not be chasing materialism or be busy with things that are only fleeting because money and gashmiyus doesn't last anyway! The fact that we are not there yet is part of the challenge of living in Olam Hazeh - the world of falsehood where many truths are covered up.

    Many people are afraid of death - why? Because they are afraid of what comes after...and that they will have to give an explanation for the things they did while they were here on this world. There are many great people who had no fear whatsoever of dying. And that is because their intellect and emotions were perfectly aligned and they knew they had nothing to fear once they'd leave this world. Their only regret is that they should have done more, taken advantage of the time in this world to accomplish and do one more mitzvah!

    RD-Thanks so much for your answer. You are SO right with that. Realizing that Someone Else is in control is something we need to work on all our lives - and death is just one way we see and feel it so clearly. And that's why it's so hard.

    Also, Hashem created us as people with emotions. When you go to camp you miss your family and people who you won't see for a while. Why is it so hard? You know you'll see them in another two months! It's because we are human beings with feelings and this is the way of life! So of course it's even harder when someone passes away - you want to see them and spend time with them but they are no longer here in this world so it's just hard and painful!!

    MW-The mother's strength is definitely amazing but like I said to anon, it has to be something she worked on in the past because when such a blow comes, the only way she could have said something like that is if she worked on strengthening her trust in Hashem beforehand. And I hope you never, ever understand her pain. No mother should have to go through something as difficult as this. It's enough already!! We've heard too many stories and just need to hear about good things!

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  7. i too lost a brother at a young age who was married with 2 daughters. his whole being was with Hashem especially as his days came to an end. he had no fear of death because he knew the real truth and didn't have any fear of entering the next world. besides for the unbelievable amount of chizuk he gave me and all those who came to visit him i feel a really big comfort in thinking that maybe Hashem gave me this nisayon so that i'll b able to help others who are going thru similar things. devora like u said u didnt feel down after paying the shiva call i sometimes feel the same way after i talk to people and try to comfort them. just by sharing your own side of the story and showing them that you understand how they are feeling gives ppl a huge amount of comfort just by knowing you've been there too. although it is hard sometimes to talk about it, at the same time it strengthens me bc i feel like im using the pain that i went thru to help others. its a really big comfort for me and a big help to those going thru something similar

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  8. Rivky-wow. Im amazed all over again at how we can relate to other people who are going through the same thing and it's only because we went through it ourselves! Of course it's hard but the feeling after comforting someone else is exactly the way you say it - it makes you feel stronger. Like, Hashem gave me this pain so I could understand and help other people!

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  9. Well said Devorah.... u got the words right in ur mouth...

    death is such a sad thing. and to see how ppl cope w/ it is amazing how strong they can be.... hashem gives special strength to ppl who loose some1 in their life..
    i heard once that hashem doesnt give a nisoyon to person who cant get thru it... if he put u to it, ull get thru it...
    may we be zoche to hear the shofar of moshiach very soon!

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  10. Tzurty - thanks. It's true and another thing, when Hashem gives someone a challenge, He also gives them the strength they need to get through it!!
    Amen to your bracha!

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  11. i just wrote a whole thing here that litteraly took about a whole page long and took me about 1/2 hour! :( i guess the yetzer hara didnt want you to see what i wrote....
    so to cut it really short c'z i kind of nead to go now....i said a few things...
    1)its so true that when one goe4s through something it means much more to them than anyone ells. just like the "Mirricle Rider" (which for those who hadn't read it its a great story about a girl with cancer in 10th grade....)and she said that she hated getting calls from the same people every night and getting presents from people(like a $50 teddy bear), and getting calls that are giving her chizuk on how not to behave-but the ones that made the most to her was when she would speak/be with someone whos going through the same thing....(even worse-condition, and she passed away...)
    2)i agree with sin a lot!
    3)Devorah, Rivky, and Chaya Sara- you are just such speshial people, i can't get over it!(and i shouldn't either!-avot)
    4)Tzurty-Amen! and i tottaly agree with you too!Hashem is always, constantly giving us tests-and one thing can just be a really hard test but if someone ells would have the samething-it can even make someone go off the derech-its so important to know that everything Hashem gives us is a test and for a reason....(we just don't always know the answer to it...)
    5)its amazing devorah, that you keep coming back on to see what people wrote!(leave alone the fact that you wrote that whole thing! this just shows what a strong person you are-that not ONLY you wrote that but you KEEP COMING BACK AND SEEING ALL THE COMMENTS THAT PEOPLE LEFT! BECAUSE AS YOU SAID BEFORE; THAT IT"PAINS YOU EVERY TIME YOU THINK ABOUT IT BUT AT OTHER TIMES YOU DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL" AND IF EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU COME ON TO SEE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WROTE AS WELL-THAT JUST SHOWS WHAT AN AMAZING, SPESHIAL PERSON YOU ARE! THANK YOU FOR LOOKING AT ALL OF THE COMMENTS, EVEN THOUGH PART OF YOU REALLY DOESN'T WANT TO-BUT THE OTHER IS THAT YOU CARE ABOUT WHAT OTHERS HAVE WRITTEN!
    MAY WE COME OUT OF GULUT TOGETHER-IN OUR TIMES ON THIS WORLD, AND YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH ANY MORE PAINFUL TZAROTE LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

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  12. Liat - I'm sorry that what you wrote got erased. Thanks for typing it all over again!
    Thanks so much for always commenting and for showing us how much you appreciate this blog!
    Amen to your brachos and may we all be zoche to the time when all our pain will end!

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  13. this was a beautiful posts.This is such a hard topic to touch on. With my current medical woes this topic has uncontrollably crossed my mind even as Ive tried to push it out. Like other commenters put here i wish Hashem would lighten the load on us and make these things a bit easier to deal with. Sickness , health, happiness, sadness, etc etc are all Hashem's will but it doesn't stop me personally from screaming out my windows..."WHY!!!!!!!!"

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  14. Sheva-it's true, dealing with death is very hard.
    It's normal to ask, no to scream "WHY?!?!" especially when Hashem sends a person such difficult tests. I just reposted something that was on this blog a while ago that you may not have read and I hope it helps you somewhat.
    May the day come soon when we get the real answers to all our questions!

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  15. Devorah-amen v'amen!thanx!its REALLY REALLY CRAZY! ITOTTALY AGREE WITH SHEVA!

    Shevah,and every single other person whos out there on the blog...or whatever...DONT SKIP THIS! ITS VERY IMPORTANT!BUT I GUESS WE JUST CAN'T QUESTION hASHEMS WORKINGS...BUT FOR I KNOW ITS BECAUSE HASHEM-JUST WANTS OUR TEFILOTE! HES TRYING SO SO SO HARD TO MAKE US CRY OUT TO HIM...(THE REST YOU HAVE TO READ IN A SCREEMING OUT WAY)FOR IF EVERYONE WOULD-THEN THIS GULUTE WOULD THIS MIN-OR MORE LIKE THIS VERY SECONED!(YIRMIYUH:PERECK LAMID-ALEPH) BUT A LOT OF TIMES IF IT DIDNT HAPPEN TO US OR OTHER RELATIVES THEN WE JUST DONT TAKE IT IN-OR AT LEAST A LOT OF PEOPLE DONT, AND HASHEM THEN TRYS TO GET US TO POUR OUT TO HIM IN A DIFFERENT WAY;SO THAT WE WONT BE SO COMFORTABLE HERE IN GULUTE! WE JUST CAN'T! WE HAVE TO TAKE IN EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENS TO ANOTHER PERSON-EVEN IF IT FEELS LIKE ITS SOMEWHERE IN MARSE-TAKE IT IN, TAKE SOMETHING APON YOUR SELF TO DO-(ANY SMALL LITTLE THING ITS REALLY NOT SO HARD THERE ARE TONZ OF THINGS THAT WE CAN DO LIKE DOING KIRIAH SHIMA WITH A SIDUR, TZEDAKA ONCE A MONTH-ANY AMOUNT, OR POINTING IN WHILE DAVENING-SEE ITS JUST THE YETZER HARA NOW PROBABLY TELLING YOU THAT ITS SO BABYISH TO DO THAT BUT YOU KNOW-THATS TOTTALY NOT TRUE; IF ANYONE READ "THE FIVE GREAT LIVES" THEN THEY CAN SEE THAT BIG RAVS ALSO POINT(I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER THE RAV)AND YOU KNOW WHAT I THIN THAT WHEN I POINT IN, AND UNDERSTAND WHAT IM SAYING-I HAVE SO MUCH MORE KAVANH-ITS UNBALIEVABLE OUT OF THIS WORLD! THE GATES OPEN TO SUCH TEFILOTE AND YOU CAN ACTUALLY FEEL THAT ITS GOING SOMEWHERE-STRIT INTO HASEMS ARMS-AND YOU CAN EVEN SEE THAT YOUR TEFILOTE ARE BEING ANSWERD MUCH MUCH QUICKER! ITS UNBALIVABLE! ITS SO HARD TO WRITE THIS ALL ON PAPER AND NOT LIKE I'M GIVING A SPEECH-WHERE I COULD JUST SCREEM OUT TO EVERYONE...MAN VOICE IS AN IMPORTANT PIC. WHEN IT COMES TO INSPIRE....
    SO BASICALLY IF EVERYONE DOES TAKE THINGS IN SERIOUSLY THEN WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO HAVE SO MANY BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO US! like we say by yom kippor you know-that nothing on his world accures if it doesn't affect us, or does-like if for ex. some one is very very sick at a young age-then people would only suffer if its for that person-like Hashem wouldn't make something happen if one person-even one single person doesn't nead that suffering Hashem wouldn't make it happen in the 1st place...( i dont know if im clare i just hope i am)and if something ells happens -and you dont have anything to do with the person THEN ITS OUR JOB TO TAKE IT IN-THATS RIGHT! EVERY SINGLE PERSON-AND THAT MEANS ALL OF YOU WHO ARE READING IT RIGHT NOW! YEP! YOU! C'Z AS THE YRS ARE GOING ON JUST MORE AND MORE TZAROTE ARE HAPPENING BECAUSE WE DON'T! JUST A COUPLE OF YRS AGO IT WOULD BE VERY RARE IF ONE PERSON GOT SICK AT ALL....BUT WE ARENT TURNING TO HASJHEM....THATS WHY A LOT MORE IS HAPPENING...

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