There is something I once heard about our relationship with Hashem that I would like to share with you.
Sometimes, when going through the tests that come along with real life, we start to question and challenge things that may have been part of the foundations of our emunah. It's not such a great feeling...to know that we have these doubts. And it makes us feel distant when we have the big WHY in our head.
Why is this happening?
Hashem...why are you doing this to me? This is too hard.
A person can start to feel like they are disconnected from Hashem. Like asking and questioning is sure proof of how far they have gone.
What happened to the good Bais Yaakov girl they once were? What happened to the idealism? What happened to the hashkafos that were so ingrained in them?
They used to accept everything they heard at any speech, class or lecture without challenging any of it. They used to drink in spirituality whenever they read or heard anything inspiring.
Suddenly, it's not so easy anymore. Suddenly, they aren't so sure that things are the way people say they are. Who says anything is so true? How does anyone really know the reasons and the answers?
So they begin to ask...why questions, questions of uncertainty, questions that search for
clarity. Sometimes they verbalize them-when there is someone to ask, and other times they keep them inside, because those questions seem like...too much. But they are there-the skepticism, the doubts, the confusion.
Is this all a clear sign of how far they strayed from Him?
In truth, all of this shows just how deeply they were hurt by, but at the same time connected to, Hashem. Those questions come from a burning desire for closeness, understanding and clarity. They ask because really, what they want is an end to the difficulties...for things to be somewhat easier...and they want to understand, they want to be close, even while going through such strong and difficult tests.
Many of us think of a relationship with Hashem in positive terms, like noticing Hashem in the good things, appreciating Him and asking Him for things when we need. But there's a different connection, a bond just as real and as close, in the complaining and asking why.
Why is that so?
When a person turns TO Hashem when they're upset...or just plain frustrated...and they don't turn away from Him, it shows they still have that kesher. They KNOW the difficulties they are experiencing are from Him and they're annoyed at Him, almost as if they're saying, How could you do this to me? How could you pile this on-on top of everything else I'm dealing with?? Since the person continues to acknowledge and talk to Him, with the awareness that it all comes from Hashem, it shows that they are still so very close.
This can be compared to someone who comes to their father/mother when they are fuming mad at him/her for doing something to them-knowing that it came directly from their parent. The child does not cut off ties with them because of what was done, no matter how upset he is. The child is still talking to their father or mother. The two of them still have that connection...and it's a very strong one. This bond is so powerful and it will keep them close even when they are angry or hurt.
When a person reaches inside themselves when they are experiencing real challenges, when they start to question everything they hear, they may feel distant. But really, this is an expression of the pain they're in, of the depth of the soul connection they have with the One Above, albeit not a connection one would use to describe closeness. But honestly, it IS a connection of closeness, of yearning, of desire...and yes, of love. Love amidst anger and pain but love nonetheless.
There are different stages of our relationship with Hashem. Sometimes it is positive and easy and other times it is tough-but one must remember that at all points, that connection is never severed. The bond is there, always.
May you be able to always feel close to Hashem...no matter what kind of connection you have.