My Father is Sitting Shiva

My father is sitting shiva.

It's a scary thought. One day, I'll be sitting shiva for him, talking about him and the things we can learn from his life.

At the levaya, when my father tore his shirt and asked his father for forgiveness, I was very shaken up.

It shook me to the core.

One day, I will have to ask my father for mechilla. Do I treat him perfectly? Do I honor and respect him to the degree that I should? Do I listen to him when he talks to me and repeats a long dvar torah or do I sometimes tune out and tell him at the end that that's a really nice thought?

It's a wake up call.

I need to check if my bein adam l'chaveiro is in perfect order or if there are things that could be fixed up a little bit.

I shouldn't have to wait until Elul to ask other people for forgiveness.

I should do things properly in the first place so that I don't have to ask them at all. If I treated everyone the way I should, there would be no need to say I'm sorry.

This is a powerful lesson for all of us.

Let's not wait until it's too late to ask for forgiveness.

Let's treat people properly, with respect, love and sensitivity.

Think Before You Speak

My grandfather just passed away. He was a special person. I know they say that about every person who dies but it’s true. If there’s one lesson I can give over to all of you from his life it is this: Think before you speak.

He was a quiet and humble, very humble person.

He had a sign hanging on the wall of his study that said:

ADVICE – TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
WHEN YOU HAVE A DESIRE TO TALK, TAKE A DRINK OF WATER. “LESS TALK SHOULD SATISFY YOU.”
[FROM TIME TO TIME, YOU SHOULD REITERATE THIS STATEMENT (IN PRIVACY)] IN CASE YOU WANT TO STATE YOUR OPINION ABOUT SOMETHING THINK TWICE, TALK ONCE.
(LIKE THE CARPENTER SAID, MEASURE TWICE, THEN YOU WILL CUT ONCE, MEASURE ONCE AND YOU WILL HAVE TO CUT TWICE.)
AFTER THINKING TWICE – THINK AGAIN. THEN COUNT TO TEN. THEN THINK AND ONLY THEN TALK.
READ THIS PAGE EVERY DAY.

This is what he personified. He didn’t just speak whatever was on his mind. I think this advice is golden. If only we’d think before we let those words escape our lips, we may not have caused so much pain to others. We may be able to cause someone’s heart to swell with pride if we would have thought of the right words to use to compliment.

Think before you speak. It sounds so simple. It’s something we can work on every day.

Let’s take this lesson from someone who lived by the advice he gave to others.

L’ilui nishmas Avraham Nechemia ben Aryeh Leib

In Style

There are many challenges when it comes to dressing properly. I recently read this mashal and thought it would help those who are having a hard time choosing the right things to wear. I'm curious to hear what you think about this since it's a very touchy topic and sometimes girls are not given the proper hashkafos and direction about this special mitzvah of tznius.

Did you ever see little kids looking at their parents albums? They'll all be saying the same thing. Oh my! Look at those hairstyles, look at those clothes...That's SO odd! How could you ever wear such styles?

It's all in whose looking at it.

So now, try to picture the celestial judges looking at you in the album. Realize that those short skirts really don't look so cute anymore! The things that are so in style and trendy down here on this world are viewed in a whole different light in the next world!!

Does this change your perspective in any way? Do you think this thought can help you dress properly in the future?

Why Do Little Children Suffer?

Q: I understand that the reason that there is pain and suffering on this world is so that we can have kapparah on our aveiros. If that's the case, why do little children and babies have suffering?

A: I was once talking to a friend about this very concept. I came to the following conclusion: yes, we have to go through pain in our lives - because they erase our aveiros and make us into better people. However, at what point in a person's life should they begin to experience pain? And at what degree of discomfort should the painful experience be? Is 9 years old a good time to start? Maybe wait til a person is a little older...until they're 12 years old. But no. That's not how it works. A baby cries to show that s/he is uncomfortable. Hashem knows that in order for us to be able to tolerate and live through pain, He has to start us young - from the very beginning of our lives. Then, when things get harder, more painful, we are able to go through it and it's not like it's the first time we were ever exposed to something that hurts.

To a baby it might be hunger. To a toddler it might be a bump or a bruise. To a child it may be a bigger cut or scrape. A teenager or an adult that gets sick with a sore throat is in pain. Someone breaks their leg, it hurts. That's physical pain.

Then there's emotional pain. To a baby it can be when his mother leaves him with a babysitter - he feels the pain of separation. To a toddler it hurts when someone takes their toys away or doesn't share with them. A first grader might cry when she realizes she left her lunch at home - she feels forgotten. And as a person gets older, there are bigger things that hurt.

Remember that to each person, their painful experience is HUGE. It is their whole life! Whether it's the girl who left her snack at home or the student who didn't do well on her test - it feels just as major to her as the one who failed her road test and the girl who was rejected from the high school/seminary of her choice. It hurts them just as strongly as the potential employee who was told "no" by his prospective boss and the girl who got a "no" from a guy she was dating.

When it comes to feeling with other peoples pain, keep this in mind - don't belittle the pain other people are going through because to them this is their world. This is their life. The pain you are going through may seem greater and it hurts you so strongly but that doesn't take away from the fact that someone else is in pain. So feel with them, listen to them and be there for them - it will help them feel so much better!

Worshipping the Sun?!

Here's a really good answer to a question asked to R' Avigdor Miller zt"l.

QUESTION:
Why does the Torah say other gods, instead of false gods, elohim acherim?

ANSWER:
The Torah many times says Elilim. The word Elilim comes from the word Al which means nothing, they're nothing gods. But the most important point is, to realize that all the powers of the world are in the hand of the King, Hashem Melech; and elohim acherim means other powers. So even though a person believes in a Borai, at the same time he wants to show respect to the sun. Now you cannot say it’s a false sun. Very important function in the world that the sun performs. The sun is true. As a power it’s also true, the sun is a power. But other powers should be understood as subject only to the King who rules all the powers, and that's why you cannot say everything is false.

People worship the moon, the moon is a power; it has a big influence on the world. Winds, soil, rivers, are powers, they're not false, they're true, only Hakadosh Baruch Hu is the one who controls all the functions of all the powers in the world. That's why they’re called elohim acherim, other powers, not false powers. It's only false in the sense of worshiping them, but we have to know, the original avodah zara was to believe in Hashem. The original idolaters all believed in Hashem, only they said He delegated His powers to various underlings. The sun is one of His agents.

That seems at first sight to be a Kosher'e idea; but no. Anybody who will show obeisance to the sun, to show respect to the sun, is making an error of avodah zara. The sun is nothing but a shamosh, that's why they called it the shemesh, it's a shamosh, a servant to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Osim B'ayma Retzon Konom, they do with fear the will of their creator, they have no choice of their own. And that's why in the days of the Bayis Rishon when there were some backsliders who worshiped idols, it wasn't a case of a meshumad or assimilationist who changed his religion, or forsook Hashem. No, they believed in Hashem and yet they thought that by worshiping these powers, they're going to get a certain benefit as a result.

That's avodah zara, they're put to death for that, and nevertheless some were very frum in their loyalty to Hashem. Today it seems to us ridiculous because it's out of style, but in the days when the whole world worshiped idols it was very difficult to resist it. And therefore people who were loyal to Hashem stumbled and fell into this snare of the deception of avodah zara.

To subscribe to the emails that are sent out once a week with answers to the questions asked to R' Avigdor Miller zt"l, click on this link.

Pain - Questions and Answers

The following two questions were submitted anonymously using the form on the right. (I usually do not post more than once a day, but the first question was just asked and must be answered immediately and so I'm posting this now and not waiting until tomorrow.)

Q: If one has a close friend and knows something that this friend is doing that is abusive to herself but has promised not to tell and is afraid of what might happen what should one do?

A: Your friend is lucky to have you in her life - someone who really cares about her. The fact that she told you that she is hurting herself is a message for you that she is screaming for help. She is in pain and needs someone to jump into her life and help her out immediately. Although it is hard for you, you must tell someone who can help her.

Your friend might get upset at you for telling someone. But as a good friend, this is your obligation. You want the best for her. The fact that she is hurting herself is a sign that she is in much deeper pain - she is hurting herself physically to cover up for the emotional pain she is in. She must be going through a lot and needs you to do something for her. So even though you promised not to tell, you need to, you must tell someone so that she can get the help she so desperately needs.

Know that even if she gets upset with you now, one day she will thank you for helping her get out of the mess she is in right now.

Wishing you lots of hatzlacha in helping out your friend!

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Q: I recently heard a rabbi speak. When he was speaking, he said that whatever challenges Hashem brings we should be happy. Why should I be happy? Why isn't accepting it good enough? For example, I have a brother with special needs and why should I be happy? Of course I learnt to accept it. During the holocaust were the Jews happy being sent off to gas chambers? Were they suppose to be happy?

A: Wow. It must be quite a challenge for you to have a brother with special needs. But I want you to know that you can be happy even though you are going through pain. How? By focusing on what you do have. I cannot speak for those who went through the holocaust - their challenge was too great for me to fathom. I can speak for people in our generation who are going through big and hard tests. Even though Hashem makes us go through difficulties, a person can still be happy by thinking about and thanking Hashem for the good things He DOES have!

When you visit a doctor for the first time, you are asked to fill out a paper. One section lists a whole bunch of sicknesses and you have to check off if you were ever diagnosed with any of them. For example: Allergies, Altzheimers, Bipolar Disorder, Cancer, Diabetes...and it's a long list. If you can say that you were never diagnosed with even ONE of these things, you have many reasons to be thankful!

When you focus on the good things you have in your life, you can be happy. Every person has challenges. But those tests you go through should not pull you down and make you depressed, instead, realize how much you have to be grateful for and thank Hashem for that!

Here's just one post I wrote a while back on appreciating your eyesight. There are so many things that work right in your body, each one deserves a post on its own! For now, concentrate on the things in your life that are good, that are a blessing and you will be able to find the strength within yourself to be positive and happy!

Vezakeini

This is the hope of every Jewish mother - to have good children. Every Friday night, she lights candles, covers her eyes and davens for her children, the future of Klal Yisroel.

This beautiful and touching video highlights the different stages in a child's life. This is what every mother davens for - that her children should live a happy and fulfilling life.

וְזַכֵּנִי לְגַדֵּל בָּנִים וּבְנֵי בָנִים חֲכָמִים וּנְבוֹנִים, אוֹהֲבֵי ה', יִרְאֵי אֶלֺקִים, אַנְשֵׁי אֱמֶת, זֶרַע קֺדֶשׁ, בַּה' דּבֵקִים ,וּמְאִירִים אֶת הָעוֹלָם בַּתּוֹרָה וּבְמַעֲשִׂים טוֹבִים, וּבְכָל מְלֶאכֶת עֲבוֹדַת הַבּוֹרֵא

Just a thought - every erev shabbos, your mother davens for you to be the best child possible. She wants only good things to come from you and wishes all the brachos in the world to be showered upon you. So the next time you are about doing something you shouldn't, reading or watching something that really isn't good for your neshama, stop for a moment and think about your mother's tefillos. Think about her hopes and dreams for you. Is this something she would want you to be doing? watching? reading? seeing?

Every parent wants their child to be good. What does good mean? This song tells us what is truly important - they should be smart, they should love and fear Hashem, be honest, holy, connect to Hashem (devek is the hebrew word for glue), and they should light up the world with Torah, good deeds and mitzvos.

THIS is what is important in life. Not looks, not money - but actions and middos! When children use the talents they were given to help others, that is what each parent davens for!

Think - are you acting in a way that is a fulfillment of your mother's tefillos for you?!

Daven for your (future) children - every tefillah counts!

Understanding Pain - Part 3

Here's the question that was submitted anonymously using the form on the right.

When trying to help a loved one in a time of nisayon, its so easy for you to just say "it's from Hashem". But when you are the one going through a nisayon, knowing its all from Hashem doesn't make you feel any better. Although you know its from Hashem, the next world seems so far off and you can't imagine why He is putting you through this. What can help you, in your moment of pain, realize that everything is really for the best?

Make sure to read Part 1 and Part 2 of the answer.

Continued...

The truth is, the next world is not that far off at all! It's just that all too often we are so preoccupied with other things to give it a moment of our time. We don't think about it much. How many times during this past week have you thought about the fact that you are not here forever and there will come a time when you will stand before Hashem and He will judge you for everything you did in this world? I haven't really thought about it much until I read your email with your question.

But this can change. It's not that hard to think about it just for a few seconds. Think about someone who is not in this world anymore. Everyone knows someone who passed away recently - and if you are lucky enough not to know anybody close to you, think about my brother Shalom a"h for just a moment. He passed away just two weeks before his 16th birthday. Nobody is here forever and nobody knows how long they will live. When you take note of the fact that sometimes Hashem decides that it's best for a specific person to live a shorter than usual life (shorter than what we think is usual), it's a reminder that you should take advantage of the time you have in this world and use it to the fullest.

When a person stands before Hashem in the next world, he will see that so much good came from the fact that they went through painful times down here. Yissurim, pain, erases a person's aveiros, their sins. It's a known fact. When a person goes through hardships, their aveiros are literally erased! Imagine what a gift that is! Hashem is giving you a chance to get rid of some of the things you did by giving you something difficult right now!

Of course it's hard. Of course it hurts. But that's the point. If it would be easy it wouldn't be painful. And we may not have grown the same way.

The Jewish Nation is compared to an olive because when you squeeze it, the best oil comes out. The same way, when we, the Jewish People, are "squeezed" - when we go through hardships, the best comes out - one starts to see how great a Jew is when they are in pain! A person can reach great levels of closeness and connection to Hashem when things are hard for them. This is the reality of life.


There is a story told about someone who had a very hard life. He went to a rebbe to ask him for a bracha so that things should get better. While he was waiting in the waiting room to be seen, he fell asleep and had a dream. In his dream he saw himself in the heavenly courts awaiting judgement. The malachim started bringing all his mitzvos, all the good things he had done in his life, onto a scale. Wow, they were piling really high. Inviting guests with a smile, honoring his parents, keeping shabbos properly, learning torah - he really did a lot with his life.

But then they started bringing the aveiros to the scale. Brachos without proper concentration, embarrasing someone in public, looking at the wrong things, speaking negatively about other people. Woah. He had done many sins in his life.

Slowly, the scale started to tip towards the dark side. There were lots and lots of things he did throughout his lifetime, things he didn't even remember he had done, that he was now going to have to pay for.

Then, something interesting happened. Another malach came along and started to add the yessurim, the painful things he had gone through in his life, to the mitzvos side - and slowly, the scale started to shift. The weight on the good side was going up...up...up...

The man started to shout, "BRING MORE, BRING MORE!! I WANT MORE PAIN!!"

And then he woke up.

He woke up to hear his own voice shouting, screaming, asking for more pain in his life! He realized that in the next world, it becomes clear that pain is actually a good thing!! It serves as a tool to erase our aveiros - literally!

Think about this next time something happens that is hard for you - and let this message seep into your bones. That pain, although it hurts, is good for you. It erases your aveiros in the best way possible for you - and it's given to you by your Loving Father to make you into a better person.

May Hashem bless you with the ability to accept the tests He has given you and use them as stepping stones for growth to the highest level possible!

A Letter - Tefillah

Someone emailed this to me - she wrote this for a tefillah class and I'm posting it here with her permission.


On his deathbed, a father wrote this letter to his son.

Dear child,

I know you are suffering and in pain. I know you miss me and things are hard. I am enclosing a name and number of someone who can help you with all your problems.

I have someone who will help you learn. He has all the tools to help you get 100 on every test. He is never to busy and you can call him at all hours.

This someone has all the money in the world; so don’t feel bad to ask.

This someone has the power to grant your every request big or small.

Just call out to this “Someone”.

I’m going to give you this someone’s address and phone number so you can reach him.

Actually, you can dial any number to reach him and his line is never busy. His address is everywhere; you don’t have to search. He’s with you at all times throughout your day, and is watching you even as you are reading this letter.

Just know He is your father and call out to him. As I’ve said, His line is never busy. They call this someone Hashem, He created the whole world and surely He can help you.

Cry.

Beg.

Plead.

Make a connection. The more you talk to Him the more He’ll help you.

I love you.


Abba

When Saying Shema

I posted this once before but I think it's something we can all use a reminder for since we say Shema every day.

Here's a really good answer to a question asked to R' Avigdor Miller zt"l.

If you would like to get more emails like these, they are sent out once a week. You can subscribe by clicking on this link.

QUESTION:

When saying S'hma Yisroel, what should you think about?

ANSWER:

First thing is, Kavana P'shuta, you have to know the translation of the words and think the translation. But I will give you a good suggestion. Every day you can put in another Peirush in that. S'hma Yisroel Hashem Elokainu Hashem Echod, Echod means He is One. What does One mean? That if you will travel to the North Pole, there Hashem is too. If you travel to the South Pole, He is there too, and in between by the way. Not only is He there, he is in between too. You go all the way to the West, or to the East, wherever you go, you will find Hashem. So if you travel to Tokyo, and you are all by yourself in a hotel, and you have a lot of money to spend, and a lot of leisure, know that Hakadosh Baruch Hu is looking at you. You have to behave. You behave. If you go all the way to Hungary, in a hotel in the mountains, you have a lot of money. Behave, because Hakadosh Baruh Hu is looking at you. If you are in the North Pole all by yourself. Behave, Hashem is looking at you. And if temptations come, then you have to behave like He is on the spot, which He is. So every day think at least this thought. Mizrach, Maariv, Tzafon, Darom, Maaloh, Umatah, He is One everywhere. Now you do this for homework one day, the next day think like this.

Hashem Echod, Hashem is One, there is only one interest in our lives. We have a lot of interests, but He is the One interest. So when I go to work, it's only of Hashem that I am thinking. When I get married, only for Hashem. When I am raising children, only for Hashem. When I eat, only for Hashem. Even when I Daven, I am davening for Hashem, remember that to, it's a good idea, by the way. And so, Echod means, in all the things I do in this world, He is the only interest I have.

The next day, think Hashem Echod it means, Hakadosh Baruch Hu is in this world, Ata Hu B'olam Hazeh, V'ata Hu B'olam Haba. Hakadosh Baruch Hu is in both worlds. So beware of Him in this world, and fulfill His mitzvos, because in the next world we will be together with Him too. You can not take a dive off the Empire State building and get rid of Him. No. "Im Esak Shamayim Sham Ata" (Tehillim) if I will go up to the Heavens, Dovid said, there You are. If I will go down to the depths of the sea, there You are. Everyday you can add another kavana if you want, in Echod.

Another Peirush you can say in Echod means. You are the only One that exists, nobody else exists, it's all imagination. NOBODY EXISTS in this world. Nothing exists, no sun. Hakadosh Baruch Hu imagined the sun, and it came into being. If He would withdraw His imagination, there wouldn't be any sun. When you look at the sun, or the moon, you are not seeing anything. You are seeing only the D'var Hashem, B'dvar Hashem Shamayim Nasu, its only His word that you see. When He said "Yehi", let it be, U'vruach Piv Kol Tzvam, L'olam Devarcha Nitzav Bashamayim, Your word is standing in the Heavens. That's all you see, the word of Hashem. There are no trees, no people, no houses, nothing. There is only Hashem. He is the only One that has real being, like the Rambam says in the beginning of Hilchos of Yesodai Hatorah. Hashem Elokim Emes, He is the only true being. Hu Levado Emes, He is the only One that is true. All the rest in the world is not real, it's only imagination. That's a meaning of Echod.

So I gave you a few things to think about. When you finish with them see me for further homework.