The Most Meaningful Birthday

Today was my hebrew birthday. 

It's a different birthday than other years. 

I think back to the time when I used to be able to feel something different on this special day. It used to feel meaningful. I'd wake up in the morning and I'd feel like I can imbue meaning and spirituality into my day.

I would daven the full davening, slowly and with concentration.

Today, I only davened the brachos. I'm lucky to be at this stage. A mommy, and a busy one too. My daughter was home; her school has mid winter break. She needed me and my attention, I had to put my siddur away.

I thought back to the birthday I celebrated while I was in seminary in Eretz Yisroel. It was so meaningful. So spiritual. Such an uplifting day. I heard from other girls that it's a nice thing to say the whole tehillim on your birthday. So when I saw my birthday fell out on shabbos that year, I thought I might be able to do it. And I pushed myself to do it. 

I spent the shabbos of my hebrew birthday in Yerushalayim that week, not too far from the kosel, and I went to the kosel on shabbos and was able to complete the entire sefer tehillim in one day. At the holiest place in the holiest city.

It was a spiritually uplifting experience. That moment when I closed my tehillim and stepped away from those holy stones, feeling like I just accomplished something big...It was special. 

And now? I can't daven like I used to. I can't even daven shemona esrei! My kids need to be watched at all times and if I so much as try to pull out a siddur to entertain the thought of a meaningful prayer, they make sure to put me in my place. Either it's a fight or a needy kvetch, but it's always something.

I remember the time we were staying at my Grandmother's new apartment and I decided to take out a siddur and daven an amidah prayer. All was quiet so I thought, why not? I was up to magen avraham when I felt a hard bang on my head. My son had found a metal pole that was in the door to the backyard (usually put there to keep the kids from opening the door, but you can't put anything past my kids!) And he hit me with it. I don't know if he realized what he was doing, but I got the message. Loud and clear. This was not the time to try to daven. I never had to be "hit over the head" again to understand my role. I need to take care of my kids and be there for them, not with a siddur but always with a prayer on my lips, in my own language.

It took time for me to acknowledge and accept that this is my tafkid right now. Davening with a siddur is not for now. Now my job is to look after my children, Hashem's children, and to make sure they are safe, happy and healthy. 

I can still daven. And I do. I just can't take out a siddur and rely on the ancient verses established by the anshei kneses hagedolah.

I can talk to Hashem from my heart. And I do. Throughout my day, I can ask Him for the things I need and thank Him for the things He gives me.

I know that as a Jewish woman, my job is to uplift the physical to a spiritual level. That's my role. I taught that to my students and I continue to teach it to myself. To remind myself.

When my sister told me that she met someone who davens for each of her children as she folds their laundry, I thought, "I love that! That is such a powerful yet simple way to elevate a mundane job into something more meaningful."
And I try to remember to do it too.

(And I forget half the time :) Cuz I'm a mommy and my brain is on overload.)

So this year, although it may not be as spiritually elevating for me, I can accept that this is exactly where Hashem put me and this is my role. No, not to daven and say tehillim all day. I can start each day with a small prayer, and then I move on to the regular tasks of a mother. And I can give my kids a good time, help them learn how to interact with others in a peaceful way, making a kiddush Hashem wherever we go. I can imbue them with a love for Hashem, the Torah and His mitzvos. 

And I can give my readers a bracha :). It may not be as long as my old ones, because bh I'm too busy for that, but it's still my wishes for you. 

May you be able to find fulfilment in whatever you do and may you be able to uplift every physical activity to something more meaningful. May you feel at peace with your role but never fully at peace with yourself, always climbing higher and setting new goals for your life. May you be able to strengthen your emunah in Hashem and believe that every single thing He does is for the good.

And most importantly, may you have health and strength to be able to live your life to the fullest.