Monday, May 24, 2010

Rejection - Strengthen Your Emunah

Question: How do you take a rejection as something positive?
Is one to think that I am a no gooder, if someone does not want them?
How is one to channel their emotions in the right direction?

(This question was emailed to me a while ago, but I'm posting it now because I think many of you can gain from it. And to the person who originally asked this question, I edited the answer a bit so it's a drop different from when I responded to your email - so you can go ahead and reread it now.)

First of all, it is a very hard thing to be rejected, whether it is rejection from a school or seminary of your choice, a job or college, or a boy you were dating. I have no way of knowing what type of rejection you are talking about, but rejection in any form is hurtful and painful. So don't feel bad if you feel you need to cry and let out the painful emotions in whatever way works for you (writing, music, art, tears).

The first thing to remember is that if you were stronger in your emunah, you would firmly believe that this rejection is the best thing for you right now. Even if you don't understand how it is best for you, you would believe it and it wouldn't hurt you as much. So a good step to do is to work on strengthening your emunah. Remind yourself that Hashem loves you like a parent loves their child and like a friend loves a friend and like a husband and wife love each other. (There are many comparisons of Hashem's love towards us in Shir Hashirim - we are called Hashem's child, sister, friend, beloved...) Tell yourself again and again that whatever is happening to you is for your ultimate good and for the good of your neshama. The reason you were rejected - you don't know why it happened but you do know and should tell yourself that it is for a good reason, for your ultimate benefit. And when you do get to that point of reaching where you wanted to get to (again, I don't know what brought this question but it can be anything - getting into the right school/seminary, job/college or chosson(!) that you were waiting so long for), you will be able to look back and realize why whatever it is that you had wanted so badly was not good for you in the end!

I recommend reading a book on the topic of Emunah which will help you fill your heart with more emunah and trust in Hashem. It is important to remember that He loves you, cares about you and does everything for your good. He can do anything and wants to help you - you just need to turn to Him, talk to Him, tell Him how you feel and connect to Him in a more real and deep way.

Don't think of yourself as a "no gooder"! Every person has positive qualities and I'm sure you do to! If you were rejected, this is Hashem's way of telling you: This (school/seminary/job/college/boy) is not best for you! I have something much better in mind for you! This is a very big step but try to think of this rejection as a gift from Hashem. It is a beautifully wrapped package - and it is Hashem's way of telling you, "I love you!" because He is saving you from something that would not be good for you!! If it would be good for you, He would give it to you! And since it is NOT good, He doesn't want you to have it! It doesn't in any way mean you are no good - just the opposite! It shows that you are special and this place/person is just not for you! You are special, you are a treasure, you are Hashem's child and He loves you and only has the best things for you in mind!! By reminding yourself that the reason why you were rejected is because Hashem has something much better in store for you, you will be able to accept this test with love and realize that He is doing this only because He loves you more than anyone in the world!!!

We mention this concept in tehillim, perek chaf gimmel (23) when we say, Hashem Ro'ee - Hashem is my shephard. This means that Hashem takes care of us like a shephard watches over his sheep, making sure they have enough food and drink and constantly taking care of them. Then we go on to say,
Lo Echsar, I lack nothing. This means that you have whatever you need. And the most important thing to keep in mind is: IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT, YOU DON'T NEED IT. Hashem knows you best and knows exactly what you need. So if He thinks something is good for you, He will give it to you. And if He thinks it is not good for you, He will make sure to hold it back from you. But remember, everything that Hashem does is for your ultimate good. So even if you don't understand it right now, the situation you are in is best for you!

It is normal and okay to have emotions after experiencing rejection of any sort. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel down and upset. It's normal to be hurt. But don't let these emotions overtake you. Instead, use these emotions to turn to Hashem and beg Him for your own personal yeshuah. Tell Him how much it hurts you. Talk to Him like a friend and let everything spill out. Hashem understands you better than anyone in the world because He created you and He knows how you work!! Try to channel your emotions towards your loving Father and use your feelings to come closer to Him. You will feel so much better after you speak your heart out to Him.

One other thing to keep in mind is that you are not alone. There are other people experiencing similar feelings of rejection. Daven for them too. Keep them in mind when you tell Hashem how you feel and beg Him to bring an end to the pain these other people are feeling too! And in the zechus of davening for others, may Hashem answer your tefillos and may He bring a yeshuah to all those who need it!!



  1. Rejection hurts, majorly, but at least you know that Hashem doesn't want you in wherever you were rejected from. However, what about when you're accepted? Haba LiTamai- Poschim Lo- Hashem doesn't stop the natural order of things that you set in motion. How do you know if Hashem wants you to be doing something if He doesn't stop you from doing things you're not supposed to be doing?

  2. thanx for posting. i was actually rejected from a sem. i really wanted to go to but i was ok with it because i thought that tyhis was supposed to happen - gam zu l'tovah. then i was told by a reliable sourse that it was very possible that i would still get in. and 2 weeks after getting the rejection letter i got an acceptance letter.this all happened in adar and i heard that in adar there is a special something to it that good things happen to people

  3. Tamar-this was just an answer to the question that was asked, how to deal with the feelings that come along with rejection and the answer is: by strengthening your emunah and realizing that it's for the best!

    The phrase that you quoted means that if a person wants to do the wrong thing, Hashem allows Him to. Meaning that there are times that a person will get what they want even if it will take them in the wrong direction. Hashem doesn't hold a person back from doing aveiros. But, every person still has free choice. You can choose how you will react to certain situations. However, there are some circumstances Hashem puts a person into that may seem bad/harsh/difficult but in reality they really are for the person's good. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that we have a loving Father who has our best interests in mind-especially when things seem tough!

    nechama-I am so happy to hear that! It could be that Hashem wanted you to strengthen your trust in Him and daven more and then He was ready to give you your yeshuah. A person should always remember that when they daven, Hashem hears them and if it's best for them, they will get what they wanted. That's amazing!

  4. this is so true! im so glad i came across it thnxz so much!its so well put!


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