Thoughts Before My Wedding

I wrote this quite a long time ago. Yet, the message is still as powerful and touching as always. 

I went to my brother’s kever yesterday to invite him to my wedding. Yup. It was quite a hard day for me. Not to mention the night before, motzei shabbos when I couldn’t stop crying…It is still soo hard for me to imagine that my own brother, my younger brother who was so close to me, will not be there at my wedding. Well, he will be there, just I wont get to see him. When it’s time to take family pictures, he wont be there. The truth is, he will be there more than anyone else. I know it might sound contradictory but even though I won’t see him at the chuppah, I will feel that he is there. I wont have to peek through my veil to find him in the men’s section (not that I will be looking out for him anyway), because I will feel his presence.

Sometimes, you invite someone to your wedding and they don’t respond and let you know if they are coming or not. But I know that Shalom a”h will be there. I don’t need any response cards to know that he will be there.

And yes, it was very hard for me to go to his kever and invite him. Partially because I knew he would be coming and also because I know I wont be able to see him there.

But when I was crying soo hard on motzei shabbos about the fact that I won’t see him at my wedding, this is what went through my mind:

Shalom, I miss you sooo sooo much and the chasuna will not be the same without you. It just wont be complete if you are not there...I feel such a void now that you are gone… and then I was like, Wait a minute! Do you hear what you are saying? It won’t be the same without you! That is how I am supposed to feel about the fact that we don’t have a bais hamikdosh anymore!! I am supposed to feel a HUGE hole in my heart, a gaping hole, a void because WE DON’T HAVE THE BAIS HAMIKDOSH ANYMORE!! I am supposed to feel that no simcha will ever be the same without the baishamikdosh! And that is one of the reasons why we break a glass under the chupah. We are supposed to feel that no simcha can ever be complete when we live in galus, without the shechina, the same way I felt about not having my oinchwn brother at my wedding. And if this is the pain I feel right now, can you imagine the tza’ar hashechina?! Can you imagine the pain of Hashem when He looks down at his children and He sees we don’t even miss Him anymore? We don’t even know what we are missing!!! We don’t even cry out in pain that we don’t have the bais hamikdosh. It takes the pain of losing someone close to me to get me to realize what I really should be crying about!!

I took such a strong lesson from my tears on motzei shabbos and my visit to my brother’s kever. Let us hope that very soon Hashem will dry our tears of sadness and replace them with tears of joy.

Shalom, I know you are looking down at me and smiling. You always smiled because you were always happy. I know that this is the lesson you wanted me to take from all the pain I was going through. So now that I did mine, please, you do yours and go in front of the Kisei HaKavod and BEG Hashem to end this terrible galus. Beg Hashem to put an end to all the pain and suffering of Klal Yisroel because we can’t take it anymore! We miss the closeness and clarity of the times of the Bais Hamikdosh. There is a huge void in my heart now and I know why I feel this emptiness. So please, go to Hashemand don’t stop begging. Just keep begging and begging until you get an answer. We need moshiach already! I know I can count on you.