Thoughts Before My Wedding

I wrote this quite a long time ago. Yet, the message is still as powerful and touching as always. 

I went to my brother’s kever yesterday to invite him to my wedding. Yup. It was quite a hard day for me. Not to mention the night before, motzei shabbos when I couldn’t stop crying…It is still soo hard for me to imagine that my own brother, my younger brother who was so close to me, will not be there at my wedding. Well, he will be there, just I wont get to see him. When it’s time to take family pictures, he wont be there. The truth is, he will be there more than anyone else. I know it might sound contradictory but even though I won’t see him at the chuppah, I will feel that he is there. I wont have to peek through my veil to find him in the men’s section (not that I will be looking out for him anyway), because I will feel his presence.

Sometimes, you invite someone to your wedding and they don’t respond and let you know if they are coming or not. But I know that Shalom a”h will be there. I don’t need any response cards to know that he will be there.

And yes, it was very hard for me to go to his kever and invite him. Partially because I knew he would be coming and also because I know I wont be able to see him there.

But when I was crying soo hard on motzei shabbos about the fact that I won’t see him at my wedding, this is what went through my mind:

Shalom, I miss you sooo sooo much and the chasuna will not be the same without you. It just wont be complete if you are not there...I feel such a void now that you are gone… and then I was like, Wait a minute! Do you hear what you are saying? It won’t be the same without you! That is how I am supposed to feel about the fact that we don’t have a bais hamikdosh anymore!! I am supposed to feel a HUGE hole in my heart, a gaping hole, a void because WE DON’T HAVE THE BAIS HAMIKDOSH ANYMORE!! I am supposed to feel that no simcha will ever be the same without the baishamikdosh! And that is one of the reasons why we break a glass under the chupah. We are supposed to feel that no simcha can ever be complete when we live in galus, without the shechina, the same way I felt about not having my oinchwn brother at my wedding. And if this is the pain I feel right now, can you imagine the tza’ar hashechina?! Can you imagine the pain of Hashem when He looks down at his children and He sees we don’t even miss Him anymore? We don’t even know what we are missing!!! We don’t even cry out in pain that we don’t have the bais hamikdosh. It takes the pain of losing someone close to me to get me to realize what I really should be crying about!!

I took such a strong lesson from my tears on motzei shabbos and my visit to my brother’s kever. Let us hope that very soon Hashem will dry our tears of sadness and replace them with tears of joy.

Shalom, I know you are looking down at me and smiling. You always smiled because you were always happy. I know that this is the lesson you wanted me to take from all the pain I was going through. So now that I did mine, please, you do yours and go in front of the Kisei HaKavod and BEG Hashem to end this terrible galus. Beg Hashem to put an end to all the pain and suffering of Klal Yisroel because we can’t take it anymore! We miss the closeness and clarity of the times of the Bais Hamikdosh. There is a huge void in my heart now and I know why I feel this emptiness. So please, go to Hashemand don’t stop begging. Just keep begging and begging until you get an answer. We need moshiach already! I know I can count on you. 

Stay Strong

Life is so full
And empty too
Life is undefined
It's up to you
To give it meaning
Or lose it all
Life must be lived
Don't let yourself fall
There's so much possibility
In this life
So much creativity
For your life
You have inner talent
Covered up by stuff
Stuff people told you
You think you're not enough
You've got what it takes
To live this life
But you think you can't make
Yourself a better life
You're falling down
Because of what you've been through
You have to remember
You'll get through this too
You can't let yourself 
Be dragged way down
You're stronger than that
Get rid of that frown
Gotta turn it around dear
Face your fears
Yes, this life is scary
But don't be wary
You've got strengths hidden
Deep inside you
Gotta uncover it
That's the truth
Face each day with a smile
Even if it's fake
Because one day you'll see
No one can break
You
Because you fought so hard
That it became part of you
That fake smile
Went that mile
And now it's real
And no one can steal
That true satisfaction
Away from you
The satisfaction
Of victory
Of not giving in
Never claim defeat
And then you'll truly win
Even if you feel
That life's knocking you down
Fight back harder
Don't let yourself drown
In tears
Or fears
About the coming years
Live in the present
One day at a time
One foot in front of the other
That's the way to shine
Don't think too far ahead
Just about today
Live life slowly
That's the way
To succeed
To overcome
This challenge so great
It's also the way
You'll become great
Don't get pulled into pettiness
Keep your priorities straight
Lift your head up high
And don't you wait
To find moments in your day
When you can rise above
Your heart will expand
And you'll feel self love
A genuine feeling
When you do what's right
A deep, inner peace
No one knows this fight
The battle that you win
Gives you true satisfaction
You're filled with glory
You deserve a crown
Though it's not publicized
You no longer feel down
And every single time
You do another little act
You get this good feeling
You're on the right track
This is a good path
A path of self love
A path where you can grow
Going up and up above
Above where you were yesterday
Because you keep on growing
And then the good feelings
They will keep on flowing
You're heading in the right direction
You're going for a ride
Because you know that real true happiness
Is only found inside
And you and I both know
That's what you're looking for
In this life so complicated
You'll find it that I'm sure
As long as you continue on this journey in this way
And keep finding little opportunities every single day
To work on your character
And the person who you are
One little step at a time
You'll shine just like a star
Although all around it is dark
Remember this one thing
If you shine a little brighter
Inner happiness you'll bring
Into your life 
And into your heart
You know exactly
Where you need to start
So take these opportunities
Each day as they come
And you'll see slowly
The person you become
Through this life so challenging
You can be the one
To give it meaning
It might not be easy some days
You might want to give up
But if you stay strong
You'll be able to
Live this up
Infuse yourself with strength
Tell yourself you can
And then you really will
Follow through with your plan
Your plan of growth and change
Of winning battles and wars
You'll make me proud
Of that I'm sure!
So keep that fight
Use all your might
And stay strong
I know you'll prove them wrong
All those voices in your head
That tell you it's too much
Quiet them once and for all
With your own special touch
And then you'll come out on the top
Because you gave it all you've got
And one day soon you'll look back and say
I am so proud of how far I've come
I came such a long way
I know you can do this
I believe in you
And deep down I hope
You do too
Stay strong
Keep fighting
Keep pushing through
You've been through so much
And you'll get through this too.

It's All One

A long week it's been
With news so insane
First horror
Then pain
And prayers
For those who remain
The tears flow
We beg and plead
Do another good deed
Say more tehillim
Cry more tears
And then...
After eight years
A new piece
Of news
He's been released!
A free man
Rubashkin is allowed
Out
Crowds
Of people
Go out
To greet him
People dance freely
Singing songs of hope
Singing songs of unity
What a community
So much love
To the One Above
For making this happen
At precisely this moment
But deep inside
Our hearts
There's still a big hole
A gaping hole
A broken heart
Because
A family
Just shattered
Ripped apart
Torn to threads
From their beds
Peaceful sleep
Interrupted
Now they've been corrupted
No more peace
Just pain
No more calm
No way
In one day
Or just a night
Everything changed
This family's plight
Is at the mercy
Of the One Above
Is this mercy?
Is this love?
How can it be
That something so terrible
Also is an expression
Of love
And mercy?
We learn it
We know it
We teach it
We preach it
Does this show it?
Is this love?
To tear apart a family?
To destroy a home?
To pull lives away?
We know in our heads
That it's coming from you
We know in our minds
That it's all from you
We know everything
You do is good
We know it all
But...should
We not question?
We have questions
This makes no sense
In our heads
And our hearts
How can this be
Good?
We say in shema
That everything you do
Whether it looks harsh like din
Or seems like a reflection
Or your mercy
Hashem elokeinu
Both aspects of your
Character
Of your actions
Hashem
The good,
The kind
The merciful
The One Who finally redeemed
Released
Sholom Mordechai
Rubashkin
That is a sign
Of your mercy
So divine
Yet, you are also
Elokeinu
Strict and punishing
Full of judgement
You caused
A family
A home
To go up
In flames
And now
Only a few
Still remain
In this earth
Left here to struggle
For the rest of
Their lifetime
They'll struggle to move on
To face the world
To deal with whatever remains
This is judgement
This is your strict, harsh side
But we are taught
Hashem echod
It's all ONE
All of this
The good
The bad
The compassion
And the judgement
All really come from
Your compassion
Even the things
That seem like
A reflection
Of your judgement
Things like a fire
That consume a family
That consume a nation
Along with the clear
Open celebration
When we know
And we see
Perfectly
That it's Your Hand
That it's Your Compassion
Making this happen
Both those things
Come from Your Goodness
It's all part of
The greater good
Which we cannot see
And we can't understand
While we live down here
In this polluted, unclear land
We will continue to pray
We will continue to cry
We will cry, "ad masai"
For we don't understand
We want to get out
Of this polluted, unclear land
We will hope for change
We will hope for refuos
And continued miracles
For a family that's relying
On us
On our tefillos
On our kabalos
So they can be mekabel
The ones they lost
So we can all be mekabel
One day we will all greet
The ones we hope to meet
The ones who have a seat
At our tables
In our hearts
Even though we're far apart
We pray
For the day
When we will all say
This is what we were
Waiting for
Hoping for
Dreaming of
Wishing for
Praying for
And until then
Hashem
Please infuse us
With strength
With the ability
To keep going
To keep moving
To keep praying
To keep hoping
And to keep believing
In you.