Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Why I Cry

I look up at 
The deep blue sky
And slowly
Form in my eyes
And I 
Begin to cry


Why do I cry?

I cry because

When I am in pain
When I am hurting
I know how to cry
It's almost...easy
The tears just come

When I am overwhelmed

By...my life
By...my struggles
By...my challenges
By...my difficulties
I know how to cry
Those tears
Spring forth from my eyes

So why?

Is it so hard to cry?
When the month of Av
Comes around
And I should be thinking
Hashem's pain
Hashem's loss
Our pain
Our loss
A house that once was
A nation that once was
The glory that once was
A relationship that once was


Why can't I cry?
Why don't I feel the pain
Why is it
So hard to feel
To make it real
To me?

When I'm having it hard

When someone hurts me
Those tears flow
So freely

When I'm simply taken over

By so many little things
And sometimes
Sometimes bigger things

I can cry

But...Hashem's pain?!

The thought of the kosel
The thought of the shechina in galus
The thought of all that we are missing?
Why doesn't that make me cry?
As simply
As effortlessly
As easily
As my own pain?
As my own life?


I lift my eyes
Up to Your skies
I think about
Close to me
That hurt me
That touch me
That inspire me
To cry

And I realize...

They are all connected.

It may be easier

For me
To shed tears
Over personal losses
Over personal hurts
Over personal frustrations
Over...my personal life

And I see

I understand
That it all comes from
The same place

A place of emotion

A place of longing
Of yearning
And of hoping

So...although I may not

Be able to cry
Shed real tears
Over bigger losses
Bigger pain
Deeper losses
Deeper pain
I know...
That inside
My heart is crying

And Hashem

Who is bochain libos u'chelayos
Who knows
Who sees
And Who understands
The inner workings
The inner chambers
Of my heart

He knows

He sees
And He understands

The inner sigh

The inner cry


Real tears.

I lift up my eyes

Look up at the shimmering blue sky
Without real tears
But I cry inside 
And Hashem
I cry.

May we reach the day of u'macha Hashem dim'ah mei'al kol panim. Amen.


  1. I know ppl say we cant relate or mourn over something that we never had. How can we feel the pain of something we never experienced...? My way of relating to the pain is to realize and understand that if we had that strong connection to hashem and we would be out of galus with mashiach and true joy of living with hashem then we wouldnt go thru the tzar we have. The tragedies and deaths we have encountered are only because we are in galus. So if you cant relate to that spiritual loss, think of the tzaros of klal yisroel and realize we cry because of klal yisroels pain...that is something we experience all the time, thats our tangible pain...

    1. It's so true how we can relate to the pain of galus by thinking about our own challenges. When I wrote that, I was sad about how easy it is to shed tears over my own pain, but when it comes to the pain we should be crying about, the tears don't flow as easily. And I realized there's a connection to it all. And even if I'm not crying with real tears, Hashem sees into my heart and knows what I'm feeling and that I'm yearning for the geula...whether I'm able to shed real tears or not.


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