History

My son is making a puppet show with some stuffed animals. He picks up the Pooh bear. 

"What does Winnie the Pooh like to eat?" I ask. I'm sure he doesn't know. I never told him.

"Honey!" He smiles. 

When I ask him how he knew that, he tells me that two years ago, his morah read him a book and showed his class a video about Winnie the Pooh.

Two years ago? And this kid remembers?

I know my son. And I know he has a good memory. He is extremely observant and doesn't forget little details. But still, for him to remember that Pooh loves to eat honey...it gets me thinking.

The things we look at, the books we read, the websites we visit, the videos we watch, the music we listen to,  the billboards we look at, all these things make an impression on us. They stay with us forever. 

 *   *   *

Have you ever checked your browsing history on your computer? Press Ctrl and H on your keyboard at the same time and you will see a comprehensive list of all the websites you've visited along with the dates and times you clicked on the pages.

Employers can use this-and other more sophisticated means-to check up on their employees to see what they are up to during down time at work.

Parents can check up on their children to see what they are doing while they are online.

There is a record of everything you do, every link you click on, every page you access.

Sure, you can go incognito.

Yes, you can try to hide your tracks, visiting webpages using anonymous browsers.

And you can delete your browsing history when you are done your session.

But...Hashem has a record.

Hashem sees every single thing you do. 

Every single page you visit. 

Every single click of your mouse.

Glance of your eyes.

Hashem keeps track of every action you take-online, at home, at school, at work and in the privacy of your home.

Wherever you are, Hashem is watching.

Da ma l'ma'alah mimcha-ayin ro'ah v'ozen shoma'as v'chol ma'asecha beseifer nichtavim. Know what is above you-an eye that sees, an ear that hears, and all your actions are written in a book-a book that records everything, that doesn't miss out on a single thing.

It's a pretty scary thought.

Hashem watches everything. 

Hashem remembers everything.

There is no deleting what you saw, listened to, heard or watched. 

My son...he has a pretty good memory. I am sometimes shocked by the things he can recall, the little details he reminds me of that I don't remember.

The computer...it keep track of everything. Every click, every page, every visit.

But...Hashem...He is way beyond all that. 

He sees all and He doesn't forget.

Ever.

Candlesticks

My silver is turning

Gold

It's starting to look

Old

And so I take out

The silver polish

So I can make

My candlesticks

Gleam

Shine

Sparkle.

I put on my gloves

Start scrubbing

Rubbing

Elbow grease

Eyebrows crease

In concentration

Determination

To get these candlesticks

To shine.

 

Isn't it interesting

I think

That I have to

Dirty

These candlesticks

In order to get them

To shine?

Can't I just use 

A little soap

In the hope

That they'll get

Clean?

The polish

With the sponge

And my rubbing

And scrubbing

Turn these gold looking

Sticks

Into a beauty

A silver

A color so clean

That it gleams

From all the pressure

From all the dirt

From all the suds

That are part of

This process.

 

I process

This

And I know

That it is all the dirt

All the work

All the pressure

The pain

The hardships

The scrubbing

And rubbing

The tough cleaning

Called Life

That make

My soul

My essence

The person

I will one day

Become

Shine

Gleam

Become clean.

 

I will endure

I will persevere

I will stay strong

So I can

Become stronger

Better

And shine

Brighter

Just like

My candlesticks.

When You Have Reason To...

Today, Yud Zayin Tammuz is the beginning of the Three Weeks. 

The purpose of a fast day, whether or not you are actually fasting, is to bring you to do teshuva, to change, to do something different. 

The Bais Hamikdosh was destroyed because of sinas chinam, baseless hatred. Because people had negative feelings towards others for no real reason. 

"She gets on my nerves."

"I can't stand her."

"She knows just how to push my buttons."

"I'm embarrassed to be seen around her."

But...what about when you do have a reason to hate someone? 

What about when you have negative feelings towards someone who hurt you?

When you keep all your hurt inside, it will continue to bubble and boil until that pot of emotions overflows and explodes over one last straw.

It is important to learn how to deal with those emotions. 

How to deal with difficult people that Hashem put into your life for a reason.

How to express those feelings so you could make things better.

Express how you feel. Tell the other person that you are upset, hurt or angry. But if you do it in the heat of the moment, they will probably have a hard time hearing you. If you wait until things are calmer, there is more of a chance of working through what is bothering you in a way that is productive...with both of you being open to hearing each other, without any of you feeling defensive or under attack. A calm conversation leaves more room for open communication.

And when you focus on how YOU feel, instead of on what the other person did wrong, you are helping the other person learn you, learn your needs and what makes you tick. Instead of them feeling like they are in the wrong for what they did, you are making them aware of what things hurt you. What things bother you. And then they could focus on doing things differently next time. Because its about making you happy. Not hurting you. Being in tune to your feelings.

Relationships are complicated. 

People are complicated.

Life is complicated.

But you can learn some tricks and tips to work on making the complicated things in your life a bit more bearable. When you have tools in your hands, when you know how to deal with challenging situations, you will feel empowered to keep trying, to keep going, keep learning and keep growing. 

And that's exactly what we are here for.

May you be able to work on keeping things peaceful with those you love and are close with and may you find the right path to achieving harmony among all those you come in contact with.

Have a meaningful fast!

Peace

Why?

My heart screams

Why?

Why did this have

To happen?

How?

How?

My insides shout

How did this happen?

How did Hashem

Allow this to happen?

And how?

How will these families

Go on?

Be comforted?

Will they ever

Find comfort

In this loss

In this brutal murder

Of their young sons?

I know

I know there are

No

Answers

In this world

I know this is

An upside-down world

Where good and bad

Are confused

Where happy and sad

Are diffused

Where we don’t know

What is true good

What is really bad

We just don’t know

But there is a plan.

I know

That

I don’t know

But still

I can’t help it

I can’t help crying

I can’t help feeling

This pain

I can’t help wishing

To understand

I know I can’t

I know I wont

In this world

They do.

Those up There

They understand

They know

They are at peace

In a better place

While we

Down here

Continue to

Struggle

Question

Ask

Wonder

Challenge

Wish

And cry.

They don’t need to

Struggle

Or question

They have no

Questions

They have no

Tears

These young boys

And all the other

Little boys

Whose lives ended

Way too soon

For those

Close to them.

They are happy

Up There

Their neshamos rejoice

In that very special place

Reserved for those

Very special souls

Who are held so close

To the One Above

Caressed with love

They know

It’s all for the good

They understand

This is how it should

Be.

There is a plan

Hashem’s guiding Hand

Orchestrated this.

But…this?

Something is amiss

I imagine bliss-up There

So then why

Did they have to die

Like this?

In a way

That makes everyone

Cry?

Why?

If they are going

Up to a place

Of eternal Peace

Then why?

Did they have to die

With such hatred

By bloodthirsty

Murderers?

Animals.

Is that how

They rose

Ascended

To the melech malchei hamlochim

To the place

Of Ultimate Peace?

By dying

This way?

Perhaps-

Perhaps it is

The peace

The unity

The achdus

The togetherness

That was achieved

Through these

Two plus weeks

To find

These missing

Boys

Our boys

Perhaps this

Peace

That came about

Through their

Disappearance

Through their

Tragic story

The unity

The prayers

The mitzvos

The tzeddakah

The peace

Between all

The breaking

Of barriers

Between all

Colors, stripes

Levels and types.

Maybe

Just maybe

The zechus

Of the peace

Their death brought

To this world

Down Here

Brought them up

Way up

There

To a place

Of Ultimate

Peace.

No, they didn’t die

With hatred

They died

With love

Unity

Brotherhood

Achdus

Connection

Between all

Jews.

May their souls

Rise up

May their families

Be blessed

With comfort

From

The Only One

Who can.

May their families

Be strengthened

By the unity

And peace

These little boys

Brought

Onto this world.

This is part of an even longer poem I wrote after I heard the very sad news about these boys and tried to work though some of my questions by writing out my feelings. If you want to see the whole poem, send me an email.

Haunted

I can't sleep.

Every time I close my eyes, I see those three smiling faces. The faces of the three boys we all became so familiar with over these past two weeks.

The sweet, happy, innocent faces of three young boys who just wanted to come home for shabbos.

And I cry.

I can't sleep.

Every time I try, I hear that last phone call. "Chatfu oti" I hear. I hear those animals yelling at our three boys. I hear them screaming, "Rosh Limata" again and again. I hear the gunshots.

I try to squeeze my eyes shut, stop my pounding heart, but those images remain with me.

I am haunted. 

I am in that car with those three boys. I feel their terror. I feel their panic. My heart constricts with pain. I see the guns, I feel the bullets. I feel the confusion and utter sense of loss as these boys-our boys-me-face their unknown, scary, near-death.

And I have so many questions.

What went through their minds during those last moments?

Who died first?

How much did they fight back?

What was it like for the boys who were still alive to see their friends being shot? Killed?

How much pain were they in?

How?

Why?

And I know that I will never know.

But I ask.

I am thirsty. Thirsty for knowledge.

I want to know.

Everything.

I want to understand.

Something.

I know I cannot understand.

But I want to make sense of this.

I want to try.

I want to make sense of the senseless.

Of this crazy, horrific story.

I read everything I can.

I check the news, hoping to gain insight. Clarity. Understanding.

All I get is confusion.

I don't understand.

I can't understand.

I can't wrap my head around this.

My mind can't stretch far enough to understand this.

My head feels like it's going to explode.

My mind has wandered far enough.

My heart feels so much pain.

I'm back in the car with these three boys.

I am haunted.

I can't think other thoughts.

I cannot be distracted-not at this hour.

How are these parents functioning?

How are the siblings dealing with this?

I am far, far away from them all. But I feel so close.

Am Yisroel is crying.

We are all mourning together.

We all feel this incredible pain.

There is so much we don't understand. So much we can't understand.

Yet, one thing we do know.

These three boys are sitting together, in a place so lofty and so high, reserved for the kedoshim, those holy souls whose lives were taken just because they were Jews.

And they understand.

They know.

They know why.

This all makes sense to them.

And I try to find a measure of comfort in that.

In the knowledge that Someone understands, even though I cannot.

This unbelievable tragedy connected Am Yisroel and brought us all together.

We are One Nation, united. We are not divited by externals-by the kind of yarmulka we wear, by the way we cover our hair, the way we dress, the shuls we daven in. We are One.

We all connected through this painful story and davened to Hashem to #BringBackOurBoys.

Hashem listened.

He heard.

But He brought those boys back to His throne. Close to Him.

That's where He wanted them.

They are up there, at peace, at Home.

We are down here, confused and so alone.

Hashem, now we daven, bring US back Home.