Grief and the Passage of Time

It's interesting.

People who haven't visited grief may not be able to relate to this fully. But I still feel a need to explain it. Maybe my words will help them understand. 

And maybe this can help them relate to something deeper.

The more time that passes since my younger brother's death, the more it hurts.

No, not in the intense way it hurt in the beginning, when I cried so much that I didn't know I had the capacity to contain so many tears in my body. 

Not in the way my heart hurt so strongly. Not in the way I felt this ache inside of me, a physical sensation that stayed with me no matter where I went.

None of that.

What hurts so much is that the more time that passes since my brother's death, the more I think about how much he missed out on and how much could have been different if only he was still here.

I think about where he'd be in life and wonder, what kind of girl would he have married? How many kids would they have had by now? Would we still be as close as we were when we were teens? Where would he live? How much would we share? How often would we talk?

I also think about all the milestones he's missed and all the small and big parts of my life I haven't been able to share with him. 

And that hurts.

A lot. 

I imagine how much my life would be different with my brother in it. How much joy and laughter we'd share if he lived nearby, if we'd be able to spend time together and be in each other's company. 

And that makes me reflect upon Hashem and the beis hamikdosh we mourn. While we wish for it to be rebuilt, every year that passes without it only intensifies the grief and mourning.

Another year without the beis hamikdosh? Another year without connection, closeness and clarity? Another year sitting in this galus, distant, disconnected and full of dread for the upcoming fast day?

What would life be like if we had the beis hamikdosh? How would life be different for us if we were living the ideal life and were closer and more connected to Hashem through every milestone and every challenge? Can we even imagine?

Every year that passes without my brother in it makes me miss him more and wish he were here. And it makes me wonder how my life would be so different if he was in it.

Every year that passes without the closeness that geula affords us makes me yearn for it even more deeply. I wonder what my life would look like if I was able to live with the clarity and bond that is only possible once we are out of this galus.

I yearn for more.

My heart aches for change.

My insides desire something so different. 

I imagine a time when we will be able to go to the beis hamikdosh and listen to the beautiful notes of the levi'im, playing their soulful instruments and singing their touching songs and we will be transformed and elevated to a different plane. And we will connect, reflect and be moved to a different realm of existence. Music will become a meditation. Songs will heal our aching souls. Harmony will allow us to reach a state words alone could never accomplish. 

What would our life be like if we had this all along?

That question hurts.

And it hurts more deeply every year.

Because we're still here.

And we long for more.

We yearn for something so much deeper than what we have now.

And the possibility that we could have had it but still live without it makes the yearning that much stronger, that much more intense.

So yes, the more time that passes since my brother's death, the more it hurts. Because I realize that another year passed without him in it and as much as I imagine my life along with him right here, it's still a dream.

And the more time that passes without the rebuilding of the beis hamikdosh, the more it hurts. Because I realize that another year has passed without the closeness and relationship I yearn so deeply for.

Hashem…we are waiting. 

We are hoping.

We are dreaming.

We are praying.

We are doing the best we can.

We want to be closer to you. 

Even with all the distractions.

Don't you see it?

Don't you see our desire?

How much longer will we have to wait?

How Can This Be?

Motzei Tisha Bav 2024
Eicha?
How can this be?
How can we still
Be waiting
Yearning
Hoping
For the Geula 
And it still
Has not arrived?
How can we have
Gone through
Another Tisha Bav 
Another fast
Cried
Mourned
About the past
While hoping 
For 
A brighter future
And it still remains
In the future?
Eicha?
How can this be?
How can we still 
Be waiting
Yearning
Hoping
For change?
And the change 
We wait for
Still hasn't 
Come to be?
What change
Do we have to make
Within ourselves
To bring about
The Ultimate change
The change 
We are waiting for
So desperately?
We went through 
The motions
And hopefully 
Aroused 
Emotions
We sat on low chairs
Didn't eat
Or drink
Tried to connect 
And tried to think
We watched videos
That awakened
Even the strongest
Of hearts
Our hearts
Opened up
To the pain 
Of our brothers
And sisters
Who are mothers
And fathers
Sons 
And daughters
Who experienced 
A painful year
We shed tears
We felt the pain
Of galus
In a way
We haven't felt
In previous years
And now...
We continue
To wait
We hoped
There would be
A change
For our nation
We dreamed
Of the day
When it all
Would change
And we wished
Today 
Would have been
That day
But Hashem
Who knows
And sees
Beyond what we
Can see
Knows
That we need
A little more
Time 
Perhaps
The time
Is almost
Here
We hope
And wish
And dream
And yearn
And pray
For the day
When the time
Will be ripe
Until then...
Hashem...?
Please give us
The strength 
To continue 
Hoping
Wishing
Dreaming
And praying
Please help us
Notice
What we need
To change
What we need
To do
So we can
Come closer 
To You
And help us
Take the steps
To come back
To You.
It was a hard day
A heavy day
And we need You
To carry us through
Whatever comes next
Please, Hashem
Look into our hearts
See our yearning 
And our desire to
Connect
To You
To come back
To You
And bring us back
Bring us home
To You.

Why Will I Cry?

Erev Tisha Bav 2024
This year
Why
Will I 
Cry?
Will I cry
For the hostages
Waiting
Yearning
To be released?
Will I cry
For their families 
Waiting
Yearning 
Each moment
Filled with agony
Each day
Feeling like
Eternity 
Not knowing
What their loved ones
Are enduring 
Or if they are 
Still alive?
Or will I cry for
The soldiers
Who are no longer
Alive?
Will I cry for
Entire families
Murdered
On Simchas Torah?
Or will I cry for
Those injured
Stuck in hospitals
In pain 
Recovering 
Slowly?
Will I cry for
Those who lost
Limbs
While fighting 
To protect
Our nation
Our country 
Our people?
Or will I cry for
The wives
Of chayalim
Who have to endure
So much pain
Separation
Uncertainty 
Loneliness
As they yearn for
Their spouse 
To come back?
Will I cry for
The mothers 
Who lost their sons
And daughters
In this war?
Or will I cry for
The siblings 
Who lost 
Their brother
Or sister 
And won't ever see them
Again
In this lifetime?
Will I cry for
The lost souls
Those who don't know
What they're missing?
Or will I cry for
The ones
Who threw it all away
Because they were
Cast away
Despised
And hurt?
Will I cry for
The families
Stuck in fights
Not knowing
How it started
Or how to fix it?
Or will I cry for
The ones
Waiting
To start a family
But can't 
Because they don't have
A spouse
Or can't yet
Have children?
Will I cry for
The children 
Who can't live at home
Because their home
Is at risk
Of rocket fire?
Or will I cry for
The children
Who are living 
In their homes
But live in fear
Of an attack
And can't sleep
At night?
Will I cry for
The soldiers
Who have witness
Things
No one
Should ever see?
Will I cry for the survivors
Of the attacks 
On Simchas Torah
Who went through trauma
Watching their friends
Lose their lives
Before their eyes?
Or will I cry for
Each one
Who was killed
While trying to escape?
Will I cry
For the many homes
That were destroyed?
Or will I cry
For the One
Whose Home
Was destroyed
And is the root
Of all destruction 
We witness
To this day?
Hashem...
Look at Your People
Look at our pain
See our anguish
See our yearning
To come back to You
To be reunited with You
To come home
Bring us all home
So we can once again
Witness
The Kingdom of David
Restored
The Bais Hamikdosh 
Rebuilt
The Kohanim
The Karbanos
The Leviim
The Singing 
The Clarity
The Connection 
And the ultimate
Reunion
Between us and You.

Shalom's 18th Yartzeit

My brother Shalom's 18th yartzeit is coming up. It's hard to wrap my head around this big number. A number that means life, when he is not alive with us. Sure, I believe he's living the most precious and beloved existence and his life is more real than the life we live in this world of falsehood. But my life feels so real to me. And I want to do something special to carry on his name and his life in a way that gives life to others. 

I'm knee deep in reading an incredible and inspiring book, 90 Seconds, about Eli Beer, the man who started United Hatzalah. This book speaks to me on so many levels. He was a teen who couldn't sit in class, got kicked out of school so many times and ended up leaving school for good, starting his own business ventures and initiatives just to keep busy. He volunteered for Magen David Adom which lead him to starting an organization whose goal is to reach each call for help within 90 seconds, by having volunteers in every part of Eretz Yisroel. It's a long story and worth the read and I want to do something to contribute towards his life saving efforts.

Here's my idea. I am looking for 18 people to commit to donating $18 (or more) to United Hatzalah, in memory of my brother Shalom whose 18th yartzeit is this Friday. To honor his life, and the 18 years since he was last present on this earth, let's help the organization that gives life and extends the lives of so many! And if you'd like to level up your donation, you can donate any amount not just once, but every month for the next 12 months.

I'm going to be the first!

Can you join me?

Click on this link to fill out a form if you're in: https://bit.ly/GiveLifeForShalom

L'ilui nishmas Shalom ben Chaim Nosson whose yartzeit is this Friday, August 4th, י"ז אב.

Spread Our Light

 We are an incredible People.

This past weekend, we were traveling with our kids when my sister in law called.

"We're out of power. Can we stay at your house for shabbos?"

The severe weather caused power outages in some neighborhoods. After confirming that my block did not lose power, we assured her that she was welcome to stay at our house. Baruch Hashem we have space and try to have the guestroom prepared so it is always ready for sleepover guests.

"One of my friends was supposed to stay with us for shabbos. Can she sleep at your place too?"

Of course, we told her that would be our pleasure.

She also told us she and her husband had planned on eating out for the Friday night meal at someone in their neighborhood and was wondering if we had any food in our fridge to help fill in for their shabbos meal. They had some challah and dips, so did we perhaps have anything else?

Since I was traveling, I did not cook any food for shabbos. There was a small portion of leftovers from Thursday night's dinner, but that wasn't going to cut it. We had packaged sliced deli in the fridge which they said would be just perfect.

But that wouldn't feel like shabbos.

We called a couple of neighbors.

And that's where the magic began.

It was just 30 minutes to candle lighting. But that doesn't matter when you have awesome neighbors with huge hearts.

My sister in law, her husband and shabbos guest had a full, delicious shabbos meal, not just deli and some challah.

It didn't matter that my neighbor had a house full of her own guests for Shabbos Chanukah.

She was happy to share her hot, delicious shabbos food on a moment's notice.

We are an incredible People.

And when we have an opportunity to share, to give to someone who doesn't have, we do it with a full heart.

On Chanukah, we take the little light we have and continue to ignite many flames, one candle each night, until our menorah is fully illuminated.

In life, we use the good we have and share it with others. We ignite hearts with ahavas yisroel, spreading light and warmth with our kindness, first to one person and then by sharing stories like these, we light up the hearts of all Jews who feel so blessed to be part of a Nation like ours.

Let's continue to spread our light. Let us act with chessed to those in need and then share those stories as far as we can so the entire Nation feels so blessed by these heartwarming experiences!

Happy Chanukah!

Thirteen Years

It's been thirteen years since I wrote this post. Thirteen years since the day my older brother Mordechai and his wife became parents to their (second) son on the day of my brother Shalom's yartzeit.

We held our breath for eight days until we heard the name they chose for this baby. They named him Shalom Baruch after the uncle he would never know. What a comforting feeling to know that someone would carry on the name of our brother was niftar at 15, before he was old enough to get married and have children of his own.

He wasnt the first to be named after Shalom a"h. My own son was born a little more than two months before and was given the same name. But he was the first and only boy to be born on the day his namesake was niftar.

Thirteen years.

I think about how much has happened in this little boy's life. Little milestones. Smiling, rolling over, crawling, baby teeth, waking, talking...

Other, more significant milestones. His upsherin. His first siddur. His first chumash. His first gemara.

And now...his bar mitzvah.

There's so much that happens in the first thirteen years of a child's life.

The second thirteen years are also pretty life changing.

Reaching the milestone of teenage hood and label of teenager. (I hope those years will be smooth for him!)

Growing up, maturing, learning and expanding-on the inside and outside. In ways that are visible and ways no one can see or know.

There's the possibility of marriage and the hope of starting a family too.

There's so much growth and change that happens in the next thirteen years of a child's life. It's the years they slowly transform from child to adult.

But what happens after that? What happens in the thirteen years that follow?

How much change actually happens then?

Am I stuck in my ways?

Am I changing and growing, learning and developing, stretching my muscles to do things that are hard for me?

Am I open to change the patterns I know need to change?

Are you?

As long as we are alive, we can. We have the time at this very moment to switch gears. To do something different. To make a move.

If we want to change patterns, if we want to look back in thirteen years from now and be proud of the person looking back at us in the mirror, we need to take a step, any small step, in the direction of change.

Find a book on the topic that you struggle most with.
Look for a lecture.
Commit to finding a therapist that can help you.
Ask a friend, "What is most annoying about me?"
Ask a family member, "If I could change one thing, what would you want it to be?"

Be brave.
Be bold.
Be courageous.
Be daring.
Be the change you want to see in your life by taking a step to change.
Do it now.

May it be a zechus for Shalom ben Chaim Nosson whose 17th yartzeit is today. 

To read the story behind Shalom's tragic and sudden death, click here. 

To Magnify-The Nine Days

So, the nine days are coming and I don't think I took even one minute in the past two weeks to think about this time of year, what it means and what feelings should be coming up. I've just been so busy. My thoughts have been occupied with all the things I need to do to fulfill my responsibilities towards my family-and none, not even one thought was about the pain of galus and the tza'ar hashechina. How crazy is that? Probably super normal for a galus mom.

Maybe this is why we shift from the three weeks to the nine days in this way, from less intense laws of mourning to stronger ones. In case we were too busy with life during the beginning of the three weeks, we now have a reminder that there really is something to think about. There is something to be feeling during this time. We need to phase into a new level of thought so we can arouse our souls to get to a place of feeling the pain of galus without outside tzaros and crazy painful stories in the news and in the world!

Maybe this is why we mourn in reverse. Maybe it's because Hashem is waking us up to His pain-first with a soft tap, then with a light knock (the nine days) and then with a loud shout (Tisha b'av), saying, "Helllooo! I am in pain! Feel my pain with me!" And maybe we should be feeling the pain more intensely as time passes. Because as the time does pass and we acknowledge that we are still in galus, the pain should also intensify. It should hurt us even more because, like, hello?! Are we still here? How is it that we are still here? Are we ever going to get out?

After all these years, will it ever happen?

As Jews, we believe it will. That's what shabbos nachamu is all about. The prophecies about the destruction came true, and so we believe (and ask Hashem to help us continue to believe) that the prophecies about the redemption will also be fulfilled. We just don't know when it will happen so that makes it so hard. And that's where the challenge to continue to believe takes place!

I feel like its somewhat easier for me to feel pain-because I went through my own loss. So I take my emotions surrounding the death of my brother and connect them to the bigger loss of Klal Yisroel during the time of the churban.

I lost one brother and it was so incredibly painful; it still is, when I let myself feel it.

During the destruction of the bais hamikdosh, every Jew experienced multiple losses. So many Jews died of starvation and thirst. Mothers consumed their babies! The devastation was enormous. I try to magnify my loss a hundred times over to feel what took place during the churban. 

But there's more. More I want to feel. Not just my own loss magnified (because that's kind of a selfish sort of pain), but I want to connect to what we had.

That clarity, that holy connection to the Source of all life, I want that.

When I was in the holy land, Eretz Yisroel, I was able to connect to a piece of that. And the clarity I felt there, the connection I felt at the kosel as I cried tears of yearning and tears of closeness, that was a galus connection! That wasn't even what real people experienced during the time of the bais hamikdosh. 

So whatever connection I did feel, can't be compared to the clarity and closeness a Jew could experience during the time of our bais hamikdosh. If I want to grasp a piece of whatever was felt during the time of the bais hamikdosh, I need to take my clarity and dveikus-and magnify it a hundred times over- and then I can try to imagine a tiny crumb of what the Jews experienced before we were sent into galus.

I want clarity? I want real closeness? Any connection I've ever felt is only a galus experience.

I can yearn for more. 

I can daven for more.

I can arouse my soul to experience pain-pain that whatever closeness I've ever felt in my entire life on this earth has no comparison to the closeness and connection to Hashem of all those years ago.

And then I can start to yearn for moshiach.

Hug

I went to daven at my brother's kever yesterday. 

On the way, I was feeling very emotional, of course. I had music on and I was crying and I was thinking, I really need a hug right now. Hashem, can you please send someone to give me a hug? I was hoping maybe I'd meet someone I know at the cemetery but honestly, what are the chances? 

I got to the cemetery and I didn't see any people or any cars. Just lots and lots of tombstones. I davened and cried a lot and unloaded a lot of emotions. 

On my way out, I stopped at the administration building to wash my hands and use the bathroom. I saw another car there with 4 women inside. They were stopping for the bathroom on their way into the cemetery. I asked them if there's anything special about today and they said it's their mother's yartzeit. So I said, "Can I give you a hug? I'm giving out free hugs." and proceeded to hug each one of them. Some of them felt a little awkward, I could tell from the way they accepted the hugs lol...then I told one of them, I asked Hashem for a hug today. So she said, now here's a hug for you! And she gave me a tight, all embracing hug. It was just what I needed.

Hashem has the power and ability to answer us, even when it seems unlikely for us to get what we asked for!

Perfect

 Parshas Emor

When a Jew brought a korban, he had to make sure it did not have any blemishes. The Torah specifies what is considered a blemish that would render an animal unfit for a sacrifice. Hashem, who is perfect in every way, can only be given an animal as a korban that is totally perfect. 

As we try to make sense of what happened yesterday, (which we cannot, it just doesn't make sense,) we need to remind ourselves again and again that Hashem is perfect. He has a plan. He knows what He is doing. We are imperfect. We don't understand why. We shouldn't understand it. If we understood tragedy, we wouldn't be moved by it and we would never feel touched by the pain of others. Let's just remind ourselves that Hashem is perfect. 

May we strengthen our emunah in Hashem during this difficult time and be zoche to the Ultimate Geula so soon!

Home

He's coming home!
We can all feel the excitement
A corona patient
We've all been davening for
Will be sent out 
Of rehab
And allowed to go
Back home
To his family
Such great news!
Not a day went by
That he wasn't missed
In his home
Not a day went by
That his family didn't 
Pray
For his return home.
And I think about
Our home
And our time away
It's been so long
How many days go by
Before we think about it?
How many days
Have gone by
Without us thinking
About our home
And how much we miss
Our true home?
Hashem...?
Don't you see the difference?
It's been too long
We've been away 
For much too long
Not a few months
Like this patient
Not a few years
Like some prisoner
Away from home
Hashem...?
It's been thousands of years
Of course it's not the same!
Of course we can't long for home
In the same way
As someone who has
Experienced home
But sometimes
We get a little peek
A little taste 
A little inspiration
To make us long for
To make us yearn for
To give us this feeling
That there's something we're missing
That we're missing
YOU
And for just a fleeting moment
Our heart tears up
And our eyes get prickly
And we think about crying
And we just want
YOU
We want to come home
We yearn to come home
We want to be with you
Even though we don't know
What that even means
We can think back to times
When we felt you so strongly
And we want to feel that
Again.
Hashem...?
Can you make it happen?
You can.
The question is...
When?
When will you make it happen?
We are yearning
We are hoping
We are praying
We are wishing
To just come back
To come back home.
Bring us back.
Bring us home.

Privacy Policy

Just a thought...

I find it interesting that the entire world went crazy when they heard about the updated privacy policy released by Whatsapp. We were told that our information will be shared with other businesses so we can get targeted ads. People started flipping out and announcing that they would be leaving Whatsapp and switching to messaging apps that were far less safe. Interestingly, the information that would be shared is information that has been shared by Facebook and Google for a long time. Haven't we all had pop-ups and ads on our web pages that were so similar to our recent searches?

But that's not the reason for this post.

I had a different thought.

How many of us took a moment to think about that fact that every single thing we search for, every page we open, every website we visit and every message we send and view is seen by the One Above? 

Are we concerned about that?

Maybe, if we took an extra minute to think about the fact that there is absolutely no privacy when it comes to Hashem, we'd be a little more careful with the way we spent our time on our phones...and online.

We can't hide anything from Him.

He sees everything. 

I don't hear anyone getting nervous about that.

Maybe because we didn't take the time to let that sink in.

There is no hiding anything from Him.

May we be able to use the technology we were blessed with for the good and never feel the need to hide any part of it.

Flame of Hope

There are many answers to the famous question of the Bais Yosef. If there was enough oil to last for one day, why do we celebrate Chanukah for eight days if the miracle was only for the seven extra days that the oil burned?

There is a powerful lesson to be learned from that first day. 

We are commemorating the fact that those Jews even bothered lighting the oil they had on that first day. They could have said, if we only have enough oil for one day and it'll take eight days to get new oil, we'll light it the day before we have new oil so we will have continuous light from the day we light it. But a Jew doesn't work that way. A Jew doesn't look at his resources and decide what the outcome will be based on the facts. He relies on Hashem for results. He does the best he can with whatever he has and leaves the rest in Hashem's hands.

This is what we are celebrating. And we remember this lesson each year when we celebrate Chanukah for eight days instead of seven. That first day is what we are celebrating. It's not extra. It's essential. It helps us internalize that no matter how dark things are or how challenging our lives are, we do whatever we can with the resources we have and have faith in Hashem that things will work out in the best possible way.

We all have goals, hopes and dreams. And sometimes we don't know how we'll ever be able to accomplish the things we want. What we want seems too difficult to achieve. 

But we have to try. We need to put our best foot forward and utilize whatever little abilities we have to start. And then we trust in Hashem to help us reach the finish line.

This is what those Jews did so many years ago. They didn't have enough oil to last for eight days, until they'd have more, pure oil. But it didn't matter. They lit what they had and Hashem allowed that light, and essentially the flame of hope and faith, to remain lit until they'd have more oil to keep the menorah's light glowing.

It's the first day of Chanukah that we are memorializing. That's the day that is most important to all the days that come afterwards. It's the day that infuses hope into the rest of this holiday and into the darkness of our lives. The first day teaches us to take that first step when we are scared, to try when we are unsure if we'll succeed. Because ultimately, it's our emunah when things are tough that will help us pull through and keep trying.

May we be able to take this lesson to heart, have hope when things are dark, and try even when we don't have enough resources to achieve the outcome we're hoping for. And may Hashem reward us for having faith in Him by exceeding our hopes and dreams!

Happy Chanukah! 

After Yom Kippur

Yom Kippur is the one time a year when we really face our shortcomings head on and own them. Instead of walking through life carrying pieces of guilt from our mistakes and having them weigh us down, draining our energy and straining our relationships, we bring them to the surface, put them on the table, recognize them for what they are and say “I did this but that’s not who I am. This is not who I want to be.”

We make a separation between ourselves and the deeds we regret in the healthiest possible way. If we’ve hurt another person, we ask for forgiveness and try to make amends. We resolve not to do the same thing again. The same goes if we've hurt ourselves or our relationship with Hashem. And Hashem loves us and knows exactly where we’re coming from. He is waiting for us to reconnect with Him and accepts our heartfelt efforts with open arms.

Hopefully, we were all able to utilize Yom Kippur and heal ourselves and our relationships on the deepest level. As we ended the day with newfound humility and holiness, purified and cleansed, we can now start the new year afresh.

Now, it's up to us to go on to accomplish all the incredible things we are capable of. All we have to remember is, whatever we did in the past does not the define the person we are or the person we want to become. We want to be greater and we must strive to be better. 

May we be able to take the inspiration of Yom Kippur into the upcoming week and take small steps towards becoming the very best versions of ourselves!

How Can it be?

The 15th yartzeit of my brother, Shalom ben Chaim Nosson, is tonight and tomorrow. It's hard to believe it's been so long, yet the emotions come back and we miss him so much. May all the actions we do for his neshama bring us comfort as his neshama continues to go higher and higher in gan eden.

Here's the poem I wrote this year.

un

How can it be?

It's been 15 years since that fateful day,

When you climbed that tall tree that took your life away,

Our family was so shocked when we were told,

Shalom, you were too young to die, you weren't yet 16 years old!

How can it be?

You lived your life according to the way you were raised,

At your levaya, for all your special qualities you were praised,

You looked out for others, helping before you were asked,

And now, up in heaven, in the pleasure of the שכינה your soul does bask.

How can it be?

We continue to talk about your unique qualities,

Sharing stories with our friends and family,

How your sense of humor and love of animals is what made you you,

And now your nephew, with your name is so similar too!

How can it be?

He loves to climb trees, wishes he could live on a farm,

Is so gentle with animals, won't cause them any harm,

Chess is a game he loves to play,

And now for a label machine, with his own money he wants to pay.

How can it be?

I miss you more than words can express,

I became stronger and more sensitive through this huge test,

I wish I could see you one more time,

Give you a hug and share thoughts that are mine.

How can it be?

So many milestones in my life that you haven't shared,

Moments of joy and times I was scared,

I often wonder what my life would be like if you were still here,

Shalom, how much I treasure you - in your lifetime were you aware?

How can it be?

Near my shabbos candles stands your picture in a frame,

Your face so calm, your demeanor so tame,

I think about you so much, I never dreamed,

That your loss would affect me so strongly.

How can it be?

As Jews we live with אמונה that's constantly put to the test,

That Hashem has a plan for our נשמה and He knows what's best,

He puts us through challenges that refine our soul,

So through our time on this earth, we become better, more whole.

That's how it can be.

We accept that this too, was for our good,

Even when we feel weak and question how this could

Be for our benefit, we still know deep inside,

That Hashem put us on this journey and He is our guide.

That's how it should be. 

To make a donation in memory of my brother, you can go to my personal fundraising page here and help us continue to run programs that bring non-affiliated college students closer to Torah and Mitzvos!

To read more about Shalom and his story, click on the following links: 

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Parsha-Shema

This past week, we read Parshas Va'eschanan. The foundation of our belief in Hashem, the Shema, is written in the parsha. We cover our eyes when we say this phrase, reciting it in the morning and in the evening, and even before we go to sleep at night.

Why do we cover our eyes? We are expressing that we believe in the oneness of Hashem and that everything He does is for our best. Whether we are experiencing the highs of life, the clarity and openness of Hashem's involvement in our lives, or we are going through challenges and things are dark, we remain strong in our trust in Him. We believe that He orchestrates every single thing we go through - the happy times, the difficult ones, they all come from Him.

And we cover our eyes to express that even when we can't see how it's good, we believe there is an ultimate benefit to be gained from every single thing we go through. 

The morning represents the good times. 

The evening represents the tough times. 

And even before we retire for the night, every Jew proclaims this truth: As my day comes to an end and I reflect on my experiences, there are some things I'm grateful for and some things I'm confused about. I will never be able to understand everything going on in my life. But I believe that you Hashem, you know what I need in order to accomplish my mission. Please help me continue to believe in you, no matter what I go through. 

May we continue to strengthen our trust in Hashem at all times!

Why I Cry

I wrote this poem seven years ago. I still remember sitting on a bench on Ocean Parkway in Brooklyn, taking out my notebook and writing.
The message is still relevant now as it was when I wrote it. 
Read and be inspired!

Why I Cry
I look up at
The deep blue sky
And slowly
Teardrops
Form in my eyes
And I 
Begin to cry

Why?
Why do I cry?

I cry because
When I am in pain
When I am hurting
I know how to cry
It's almost...easy
The tears just come

When I am overwhelmed
By...my life
By...my struggles
By...my challenges
By...my difficulties
I know how to cry
Those tears
Spring forth from my eyes

So why?
Is it so hard to cry?
When the month of Av
Comes around
And I should be thinking
Feeling
Hashem's pain
Hashem's loss
Our pain
Our loss
A house that once was
A nation that once was
The glory that once was
A relationship that once was

Why?
Why can't I cry?
Why don't I feel the pain
Why is it
So hard to feel
To make it real
To me?

When I'm having it hard
When someone hurts me
Those tears flow
So freely

When I'm simply taken over
Overwhelmed
By so many little things
And sometimes
Sometimes bigger things
I can cry
Easily

But...Hashem's pain?!
The thought of the kosel
The thought of the shechina in galus
The thought of all that we are missing?
Why doesn't that make me cry?
As simply
As effortlessly
As easily
As my own pain?
As my own life?

Hashem...?
I lift my eyes
Up to Your skies
I think about
Things
Close to me
That hurt me
That touch me
That inspire me
To cry

And I realize...
They are all connected.

It may be easier
For me
To shed tears
Over personal losses
Over personal hurts
Over personal frustrations
Over...my personal life

And I see
I understand
That it all comes from
The same place

A place of emotion
A place of longing
Of yearning
And of hoping

So...although I may not
Be able to cry
Shed real tears
Over bigger losses
Bigger pain
Deeper losses
Deeper pain
I know...
That inside
My heart is crying

And Hashem
Who is bochain libos u'chelayos
Who knows
Who sees
And Who understands
The inner workings
The inner chambers
Of my heart

He knows
He sees
And He understands

The inner sigh
The inner cry

Even
Without
Real tears.

I lift up my eyes
Look up at the shimmering blue sky
Searching
Yearning
Hoping
And...yes.
Crying
Without real tears
But I cry inside 
And Hashem
Understands
Why
I cry.

May we reach the day of u'macha Hashem dim'ah mei'al kol panim. Amen.

Video-Dear God

Sometimes, we have so much in our hearts that we want to express to Hashem. But we don't know how to say it. We don't have the right words.

Hashem, who created us all and knows the deepest parts of us, understands it all.

This video illustrates this idea really beautifully.

Guest Room

My basement
With the guest room
Once a happening place
Busy hosting
Sleepover guests
Now replaced
With quiet
It's empty
Week after week
As we seek
To remain
Safe
Home
Alone
No guests
No more changing linen
On a weekly basis
No more inviting guests
Every shabbos
No more last minute requests
"Is your basement available?"
No more calls
To reserve the space
For families
Who need a place
To stay
When coming from far away
So they could partake
In a family simcha.
No more telling the kids
To choose a few games
Before shabbos day
So they could play
On shabbos morning
Upstairs
So the guests could stay
Sleeping
Downstairs.
The basement -
It's all theirs
Every day of the week
No more sharing their space
No more hosting with grace
No more giving a place
To people who need.
Our guests thanked us
They were so grateful
When they'd leave
But did I realize
Indeed
How much I gained
From hosting?
How much I enjoyed
Being
On the giving end?
Our home is still full
Full of noise
Full of laughter
Full of learning
Full of fun
Full of laundry
Full of messes
Full of kids.
But it's empty
Empty of guests
Empty of Hachnosas orchim
Empty of
The weekly giving.
Yes, I'm still giving
Endlessly
To my kids
To my family
But I want to give
To a bigger circle
Of people who need
Of people who enjoy
My home
My food
My desserts
My company.
I think about
Hashem's home
That was once full
Full of people
Full of kedusha
Full of purpose
Full of meaning
Full of life.
Now that home
Is empty.
Completely empty
Are we ready?
Ready to be the ones
To fill that home
With kedusha?
With purpose?
And with meaning?
Do we fill our homes
With kedusha?
With purpose?
With meaning?
Can we be the ones
To return to
Hashem's home?
So He can host us
And bestow upon us
All the goodness
All the blessings
That come along with
Basking in His presence?
My home is so full
Yet empty in some ways
My heart is full of yearning
Waiting for true change
When we will be united
Together all Jews
With clarity
And the redemption
Just to name a few.
Hashem,
Look at your nation
Look at the chessed
Look at the tefillos
Look at the teshuva
Of so many individuals
We are changing
We are growing
We are yearning
We are hoping
For change
The Ultimate change
The Ultimate geula
We want to be
In Your home.
Bring us home
Fill Your home
With our noise
With our laughter
With our joy
Of the geula
Of knowing
That all this
Was part of
Your plan for us.
Bring us back.
Bring us home.