Seeing the Good

My last post brought up some discussion and I wanted to share some thoughts of the back and forth with you.

Someone wanted to know how to reach that level of emunah-of knowing with such certainty that everything Hashem does is for the good. It’s something that takes a lot of work…a lifetime of work.

One thing I feel that has helped me get to that point (and I’m still working at it!) is to think back to different things that have happened in my life and that I’ve been through in my life and notice the good that came out of it.

There were things that were obviously good-from the beginning, like the schools I went to and the people I got to know while I was there. There are things like my year in seminary and I can truly say that my experiences there shaped me, molded me, changed me and helped me be the person I am today.

But then there are the less obvious things. Difficult things I would never have chosen to experience. I can look back at those things and know that there is good that came out of it. I am a different person because of those challenging times. There is no way I could be the person I am today if I haven’t gone through those things. I would never have asked for them but I can actually see some element of good that came out as a result of those experiences. They were painful for me, but I am a different me because of them.

Sometimes, I can actually see something intrinsically good that came as a result of the difficult times. Not just the person I am or became. Not just the changes inside me. There are things that happened that may not have happened had I not gone through the pain. There were difficult times that were catalysts for good changes in my life and the life of my family. Thinking about those things reinforces the belief that each thing that happens, every single thing Hashem puts me through, is for the good.

Looking back at the things that happened in my life, the good and the bad, the easy and the difficult, the comfortable and the uncomfortable, I can know with certainty that every single thing Hashem does is for the good. Sometimes I am blessed to see it and other times I cannot see. But recognizing the good that came out of the things I am aware of makes this knowledge enter the very fiber of my being and know it…really know it so deep inside me…that no matter what, whether I see it or I don’t, it is for the good.

But…with all this knowledge, do I think one day I will be able to thank Hashem for the difficult things I had to go through?

I don’t know. I just don’t know. I think it may be a madreiga of tzaddikim to be able to thank Hashem for the tough things they experienced. And that might be because they know with such clarity that every single thing is good, and even if it was hard, there were good things that came from it. Things like growth in their emunah, a deeper connection to Hashem or whatever other things THEY changed as a person. Maybe they have a deeper vision, a better understanding, or a rock solid emunah that I’m working to get.

But for me, whatever knowledge I do have doesn’t take away from the fact that it was a hard thing to go through. If I had a choice, maybe I’d play my life differently-so it’s a good thing I don’t have a choice! I know these things are good for me but am I thankful for the pain?

Yes, I know it’s for the good, and just working on that knowledge and internalizing it will take time…but being able to be thankful for it is another step…a step for greater people than me…and mayyybe one day I’ll reach that level. But for now, I’m allowing myself to be a human being. :-)

I do not ask for pain but when I am thrown into a difficult situation, I will do my best to climb...as slowly as I need to...and never stop climbing.

Mourning for the Bais Hamikdosh-Part 1

I was wondering about this last night. I'm sure this question has been asked before and I'm not the first one to come up with it...but I was thinking about the way we mourn for the bais hamikdosh and I had this question.

Why is it that we mourn for the bais hamikdosh in the opposite way that we mourn the death of a human being? When someone dies, we go from stronger to lighter forms of mourning. It starts with shiva, seven days of sitting on the low chairs, not leaving the house, not wearing leather shoes, people coming to comfort those who lost their loved one...and continues to the shloshim where the halachos are not as severe. There is still no music allowed...there are still some restrictions. And this continues on for a full year for someone who lost a parent.

On the other hand, when we mourn the bais hamikdosh, we go from light, the three weeks, where we do not listen to music, wear new clothing, to the nine days, where we are restricted with the way we bathe and shower, to tisha b'av itself-the day which we observe the most intense form of mourning.

Why is it like this?

Why, when it comes to mourning the death of a human being do we go from more intense to less and when we mourn the destruction of the bais hamikdosh do we start with a lesser form of mourning and slowly increase the level of sadness?

So...there's the guy's answer, which is the short and to-the-point answer, and the girl's answer, which as you can guess is more emotional. :-) (My husband's answer, and my own. One day I'll write down all my chiddushei torah. lol)

The real answer, one that is much more logical, is that this is the order that things happened when the bais hamikdosh was destroyed. It wasn't burned down from one day to the next. The city of Yerushalayaim was surrounded by Nevuchadnetzzar and his army. There was a siege. It took time until the events of tisha b'av occurred, until the bais hamikdosh was actually destroyed and burned down to the ground.

When we mourn these events, we go in order of the way they happened. Things went from less intense to more. We start off at the beginning of the three weeks with a lesser degree of mourning simply because things started off at a lower degree of devastation during the time leading up to the destruction of the bais hamikdosh. With time, it got worse and worse and so our level of mourning gets stronger as we get closer to tisha b'av. And tisha b'av is the climax. It's the most intense day of sadness, as we ache for the day when we will have the bais hamikdosh back.

The answer I came up with is much longer, too long to fit here so I'm going to save it for another blog post.

In the meantime, if anyone can come up with another answer to this question, it would be nice to hear it. You can post a comment or send me an email.

Levels

Over Shavuos, I got to read some interesting and inspiring thoughts. Here is one thing I wanted to share with all of you from one of my favorite speakers/writers, R' Shimshon Pincus zt"l.

The Kuzari states that there are four levels in creation:
Domem - inanimate object, such as a rock
Tzome'ach - growing thing, such as a plant
Chai - an animal, like a lion
Medaber - a speaking living thing, a human being

Just like you can't compare the level of a rock to that of a plant, you cannot compare a plant to an animal - it is on another whole level completely. And the speaking human being is even higher up on the rung than an animal because it has the ability to think and make choices.

R' Yerucham Levovitz, the mashgiach of Mir expounds on that and says that above those four is another rung on the ladder and that is the Yisroel - the Jew. The same way each level is in a totally and complete different category than the one preceding it, the Jew is different than the regular human being who can speak and think and choose right over wrong because we are blessed with the Torah.

Now, there is a sixth level which is even higher than the level of the Jew!!
That is the level of one who toils in Torah. He is on a totally different plane! He is above the level of a regular Jew who does the mitzvos because he is busy with the greatest treasure, the treasure that made us into the chosen nation that we are.

If you would try to explain to someone who has not been exposed to Judaism what it means to live the live of a religious Jew, he just cannot understand it. He doesn't understand how a Jew can keep shabbos. Doesn't it feel like you are in a prison?, he thinks. He can't relate to the fact that a Jew is able to spend 25 (plus) hours without a TV (try explaining to him that a Jew can live all his life without one!), without turning on the light, answering his cell phone, checking his emails, going in the car, turning on the fire to cook food...it feels to him like a real jail!

But if we wanted him to understand what shabbos is all about, how beautiful, how sweet, how precious it is to spend a day away from all the things that distract us from our real purpose in life, how special it is to spend a day together with our families and connecting to Hashem, he would have to experience it himself! We would have to tell him, come with me, come spend shabbos with me and then come again and again until you can feel the glow, until it enters your heart, until you can realize on your own what makes shabbos so special and why we do not feel like we are in prison! It is a day like no other!!

And the same is true for the ben torah. He is on a different level completely than that of a Jew. If you'd try to explain to someone who doesn't understand the value of Torah learning as a goal in itself, and the purpose of sitting and learning all day just to learn Torah, you will run into a brick wall. You cannot explain it to him because he cannot relate to it!

Ahhh, you really want to understand?! Come with me, into the bais medrash! Come for a day, two, three...until you fully experience what it means to learn with diligence, without interruption, just to learn until your face is glowing and your eyes are shining from the depth and awe of the lessons there are in the Torah!

That is the greatness of torah - it elevates the one who learns it to a completely different level of kedushah, of holiness!

How lucky we are to be part of a nation who is full of people who learn for the sake of learning!

This post is not intended to cause hurt in any way to anyone who is not learning. It is meant to give strength to those who see the value in what Torah learning is and appreciate that it is a zechus to be able to be connected to those who learn Torah!

Injecting Power in Your Tefillah

The following question was submitted anonymously. If Hashem hates it when we do things by rote (mitzvas anashim milumadah), then why do we say so many tefillos in davening? I love Hashem, I love talking to Hashem and I love tefillah. It's just that when I haven't yet gotten to the point where you can say every tefillah with immense kavvanah then should I not be saying all the "smaller" tefillos?
B"h I've conquered shmoneh esrei, ashrei, and shema. And I can say that I am very proud of my concentration and understanding of those tefillos. But what about the rest of them? Do you think I'll ever get that far that I can really pay attention by every hallilukah, etc? You have to take things step by step, no? Why do they pile on so many tefillos whith out teaching them to us when we were younger?

I want you to know that I really respect you for asking this question! I see that you are someone who wants to grow and perfect your tefillah and you are not satisfied with just saying the words without the proper concentration. Here is part 1 of my answer to you.

There's a quote, "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you will still be among the stars." Applying this to tefillah and specifically to your question, I would say that you need to aim high. By aiming high, even if you don't reach your goal, you'll still be getting somewhere.

R' Shimshon Pincus zt"l compares tefillah to dynamite. How is a bomb able to cause a giant wall to crumble? The power of a bomb lies in those little particles that are inside of it. When that bomb is thrown against the wall, it's the little pieces of powder that give the bomb the ability to break mountains. How does tefillah have so much power? It's in those little letters combined to make words, written by the anshei knesses hagedolah with ruach hakodesh. The words themselves are filled with incredible power and just by saying them, you can break barriers and make things happen. Just by saying the tefillos, you are accomplishing so much!!

The way you'll be able to reach the level of concentration you are hoping to get to in even the "little tefillos" is by realizing that they are not so little. They may be short, they may be tefillos you say every day really quickly, but the first step is to tell yourself that there is amazing power behind these words. They were written by people much greater than us and there are deep meanings in these words.

No, you will not be able to reach the proper level of concentration overnight. But you can get there if you try to do it one by one. And it's normal if sometimes your mind wanders and you are not fully focused on the meaning of each and every one. By telling yourself that you will never get there you will not be able to even reach the first step! That sounds like a tactic of the yetzer hara.

The Chofetz Chaim in his introduction to sefer shmiras halashon says that the yetzer hara uses this specific approach to get people to talk without thinking. He says, "the laws of shmiras halashon are so detailed and will rule every aspect of my life. The only way I will be able to ensure that I never violate the rules is by not speaking at all. Since this is impossible, I might as well just throw it all away and just say whatever I want whenever I want."

By not trying at all, by not saying the "smaller tefillos" you are not giving yourself an opportunity to work on achieving kavannah in those tefillos! There is a purpose in saying them because slowly, you'll be able to have the proper concentration, if you tackle each tefillah one at a time. Yes, it will take work but you will feel so good about it afterwards - when you see that you have conquered yet another tefillah! Each tefillah has something unique about it. Delve into the meaning behind tefillos and you will find so much depth there!

There is still plenty more to say on this topic but I want to hear from you first. How does this help you? Do you still have questions?

Why Do Little Children Suffer?

Q: I understand that the reason that there is pain and suffering on this world is so that we can have kapparah on our aveiros. If that's the case, why do little children and babies have suffering?

A: I was once talking to a friend about this very concept. I came to the following conclusion: yes, we have to go through pain in our lives - because they erase our aveiros and make us into better people. However, at what point in a person's life should they begin to experience pain? And at what degree of discomfort should the painful experience be? Is 9 years old a good time to start? Maybe wait til a person is a little older...until they're 12 years old. But no. That's not how it works. A baby cries to show that s/he is uncomfortable. Hashem knows that in order for us to be able to tolerate and live through pain, He has to start us young - from the very beginning of our lives. Then, when things get harder, more painful, we are able to go through it and it's not like it's the first time we were ever exposed to something that hurts.

To a baby it might be hunger. To a toddler it might be a bump or a bruise. To a child it may be a bigger cut or scrape. A teenager or an adult that gets sick with a sore throat is in pain. Someone breaks their leg, it hurts. That's physical pain.

Then there's emotional pain. To a baby it can be when his mother leaves him with a babysitter - he feels the pain of separation. To a toddler it hurts when someone takes their toys away or doesn't share with them. A first grader might cry when she realizes she left her lunch at home - she feels forgotten. And as a person gets older, there are bigger things that hurt.

Remember that to each person, their painful experience is HUGE. It is their whole life! Whether it's the girl who left her snack at home or the student who didn't do well on her test - it feels just as major to her as the one who failed her road test and the girl who was rejected from the high school/seminary of her choice. It hurts them just as strongly as the potential employee who was told "no" by his prospective boss and the girl who got a "no" from a guy she was dating.

When it comes to feeling with other peoples pain, keep this in mind - don't belittle the pain other people are going through because to them this is their world. This is their life. The pain you are going through may seem greater and it hurts you so strongly but that doesn't take away from the fact that someone else is in pain. So feel with them, listen to them and be there for them - it will help them feel so much better!

Question: But I Want to Enjoy and Have Fun...!!

(This question was sent to me via email but I think you can all gain from the answer so I am posting it here with permission from the girl who asked it.)

Question: We're in this world to grow and accomplish so that our souls can reach an elevated level in the World to Come. Right? So where does all the physical stuff fit in? Though I'd love to be, I'm definitely not on the level where I can eat just to make a bracha and all that jazz, so what do I do? What right do i have to read a book just for fun, etc.? Then there's also the issue where moshiach can either come any day or anyone could die any day. Once you're dead or moshiach's here, you can't grow anymore, and i don't want to be at my current level when either of those events take place. The problem is that no matter how much I want to grow and live each day like my last, it's really hard. Basically, I'd love to always be growing and doing holy things, but I reallyreallyreally want to read books for fun and just chill and enjoy myself, and I don't want to get up to Olam HaBa and feel stupid for wasting my time down here. How can I reconcile these desires?

Answer: Your question is amazing - it really shows that you are thinking deeply into things and don't just sail through life and go with the flow! I think it is so important for you to be an individual and spend some time trying to figure out where you want to go with your life and what you want to do!! That is so special of you!!

To answer the first part of your question, you have to remember that Hashem created you as a human being, not as a malach - you are not expected, at this point in your life - to be on the level of the gedolim or great people you may have read or heard stories about.

I will mention an amazing thing I learned in seminary taken from the Michtav M'Eiliyahu by R' Eliyahu Dessler . We can take the mashal of the yetzer hara and compare it to when someone goes to fight a war. When a warrior is going out to battle, he has to know who he is fighting. He knows which territory is already conquered, which areas are beyond him and what he is fighting right now. A person who wants to fight the yetzer hara also has to know that - there are certain things that are already conquered territory, (I'm so past that!) certain things that are beyond him (maybe one day I'll get there) and certain things that he is fighting/struggling with (now this is a challenge for me!).

To illustrate this idea, our teacher had us divide a paper into three parts from top to bottom. The middle of the page was our struggle right now, the bottom was things we are not dealing with at all because it was considered "conquered territory" and the top were things that were just "beyond us" which were too high a level for us to be struggling with right now. She then proceeded to read a list of different areas in avodas hashem and every girl wrote that down somewhere on their paper - in their personal category - whichever one it belonged to in their own life. I'll give you some examples: (I'm writing some of these from memory of her list, others I'm making up just for you to get the picture.)

• Say a bracha before each food that you eat


• Daven with nussach ari (special kavanos with each word)


• Daven shacharis every day


• Daven mincha every day


• Have kavanah on the simple meaning of each word


• Cover your elbows and knees whenever you go outside


• Eat food just so you can fulfill your 100 brachos for the day


• Watch TV on Shabbos


• Not watch movies


• Speak without curse words


• Say a bracha acharonah after every food you eat


• Say "hello" and greet people with a pleasant face


• Say "thank you" to Hashem every time you hear about a simcha


• Not eat chometz all pesach long


• Speak pleasantly to every person you meet


• Only listen to Jewish music


• Never speak Lashon Hara


• Have an hour-a-day that is Lashon Hara Free

I think you get the picture - there are certain things that you are not even struggling with, other things that are beyond you and other things that are hard for you right now. When you keep in mind that there are some things that are just beyond you right now, you will realize that it's okay not to live in a world where you "eat just so you can make a bracha" because you are not holding there right now! Instead, focus on the things that you are struggling with-the things that a normal teenager finds hard to do. You can always keep in mind that those high madreigos are in the "beyond you" right now but maybe, one day, in the far off future, you will get there. But there's no use in fighting a battle that is not in your realm.

In general, a person should always keep in mind that there are certain goals or ideas that are the "ideal" and the right way to do it-which you hope to get to one day. For now, try to work on the things that are in your "territory."

It is important to keep in mind that there are so many levels in each area of yiddishkeit. So when you see that something is "beyond you" you should look up to it and respect it and think that this is something great and special and not to make fun of it in any way. Think to yourself that right now I am not there yet but one day, maybe, in the distant future, I will do it. And if it's something you can never imagine ever doing (like, for example, wearing a shpitzel when you get married - something the very chassidish people do), at least look up to them and say, "wow! they are so special for doing such and such thing."

This can also help answer your question about moshiach. I once heard that when moshiach will come, there will still be struggles in every persons avodas Hashem. It's not like we are going to stay where we are when moshiach comes. The difference is, the struggles will then be between good, better and best as opposed to between good and bad because we will have a special clarity to know what is good and what is bad. You don't have to worry about what level you are on now and if you will be happy with that when moshiach comes because worrying will only prevent you from making any positive changes, it is a tactic of the yetzer hara - that you spend so much time thinking and worrying about it that you are too distracted to actually think of moving forward!! Instead, try to spend your time focusing on how you could change in a normal and healthy way - but remember that you are not a malach and Hashem doesn't expect you to be one!!

It's okay, and even normal for you to need some "chilling time"-time when you can relax, spend time with friends, read books, listen to music and you know what? Spending time with friends gives you many opportunities to do mitzvos too! There are loads of mitzvos bein adam l'chaveiro that you can do - complimenting friends, being careful with how you speak...And also, having a good time and taking care of yourself emotionally and physically is also part of the mitzvah of v'nishmartem me'od l'nafshoseychem-watching over your body. Hashem gave you one body and you have to make sure you take good care of it!! We are not expected to spend every hour of the day immersed in holy seforim and learning until the wee hours of the night!! It is also important, in order for you to stay sane and healthy, to relax sometimes, read, chill, go out with friends and do all those things that you enjoy!!

I hope this answers your questions. You are such a special girl to be thinking this way!!