Parshas Chukas

After Miriam was niftar, the Be'er Miriam dried up and the Jews complained that they were thirsty. Hashem told Moshe to speak to the rock but instead he hit it and water came forth.

When we want something from someone, we can speak gently and with kindness or speak harshly and use force. Using force might get us what we want, but not in the way we want. The person may give in, but their feelings towards us will change. The better way is to speak softly and with sensitivity. The person will be more receptive to what we are saying and this interaction will bring the person closer to us instead of create distance between us. 

May we be able to use a more gentle approach when speaking to those we care about so we can bring them closer to us with every interaction we have!

Parshas Korach

When Korach organized a rebellion against Moshe Rabbeinu, accusing him of assigning power unfairly, Moshe suggested that they wait until the next morning for a sign from Hashem to determine who was right. After each group would bring a ketores, a fire would come down from heaven and burn the offering of the either his group or Moshe's group. He wanted to wait so Korach would have time to think and hopefully, he would change his mind.

We see how important it is to wait a little bit when someone is angry. A good resolution can't always be reached immediately because when people are heated, their emotions take over. Once some time passes, even just one night, it may be possible for both sides to hear each other more openly and logically and work towards a peaceful compromise. 

May we be able to give people who are really angry time to calm down so we can keep all of our interactions peaceful! 

Parshas Acharei Mos

After Aharon's sons died, Hashem clearly states what should be done so something like this won't happen again. 

We see that it's so important to be clear with others when something is bothering us. If someone hurts or upsets us, they can't read our mind! When we express our feelings with sensitivity and speak openly, we give the person an opportunity to fix what happened. Only then can they figure out what can be done to make sure it won't happen again.

May we be able to fix relationships that need to be fixed by speaking openly, with sensitivity and care so that we become closer to those we love most!

Taanis Esther

Many people say perek chaf bais, 22, today. As she approached Achashveirosh after 3 days of fasting, Esther said these words, "Keili keili lama azavtani." She turned to Hashem when she felt abandoned and asked, "Hashem...why did you leave me?" Instead of turning away from Hashem, she turned TO Him.

When you feel abandoned or hurt by someone you used to be close to, instead of turning away from them, turn to them. Speak to them. Try to understand why they are acting this way. Maybe there's something going on inside of them that will explain their behavior. Opening up a dialogue gives you the opportunity to fix the relationship and restore peace.

May we be able to maintain peaceful relationships always!

Parshas Yisro

The Torah lists the mitzvos Bein Adam lamakom-between man and Hashem, side by side with the mitzvos Bein Adam lachaveiro, the ones involving interpersonal relationships. 

We see that the Torah is not just a set of rules that govern the spiritual aspects of our lives. It's so much more than that. The Torah tells us how to act with the people closest to us. Honor your parents. Don't be jealous of your neighbor. Don't steal-money, time or possessions from anyone. Do what it takes to be peaceful and loving to all those you encounter. 

May we be able to live a life of Torah by keeping not only the mitzvos between us and Hashem, but by also maintaining wonderful relationships with all the people we come in contact with!

Parshas Vayeira

Avraham Avinu invited three guests into his home, even though they didn't look like him and they were idol worshippers. His kindness extended to every type of person, no matter what they looked like on the outside.

Hachnosas Orchim sometimes transforms us into kinder, more sympathetic people. We treat strangers with more respect and tolerance than our own family. Perhaps this week, we can pretend our close family members are our guests and treat them with an extra level of care and consideration. We can be more giving, more patient and more understanding of those closest to us. Although it's easy to fall into the trap of habit and snap at the people who push our buttons, if we put in the effort to treat them with extra consideration, we can transform our relationships and make them stronger.

May we be able to act with forethought and respond to our close family members with a gentle touch, bringing more light and love into our homes!

Parshas Nitzavim

Moshe tells Bnei Yisroel - you have a choice between life and good and death and bad. He says, choose life!
The way to choose life is by making choices that connect us to the source of life, Hashem.

Now, before Rosh Hashanah, we should ask ourselves, are we doing things that bring us closer to Hashem or are we distancing ourselves from Him? Are we using the gifts He gave us-our eyes, ears, mouth, hands and feet to connect to Hashem in a real way?

Do we try to see Hashem in our daily life?
Are we receptive to inspiration?
Do we speak calmly and kindly to others?
Can we use our hands to do chessed thereby making a kiddush Hashem?
Have we walked away from arguments and negativity?

It's the last shabbos of the year. We have a chance to fix everything we've corrupted over this past year. Let's make a commitment to use our body to connect to Hashem, the source of life. 

May we be able to elevate every fiber of our being to connect to Hashem, the source of life and this way, well merit to be written down for a year of life, connection and meaning!

A Small Meal

Today is Yud Zayin Tammuz, the day we fast to show we are mourning the beginning of the end - the end of the time of clarity and closeness to Hashem through the Bais Hamikdosh.

Imagine your father bought you a house, provided you with everything you needed to keep that house beautiful and also gave you money to buy yourself food and clothing whenever you needed. Now imagine if at the same time, your father was homeless, sleeping on the park bench every night. Would you be able to enjoy the house he so generously gave you, along with all the things he provided you with?

Wouldn't you try to invite him into your home? What if he said he didn't want to come live with you because your home wasn't good enough for him? Wouldn't you do whatever it takes to make your house a place where he would be comfortable moving in?

Hashem gave each of us a place to live us and also blessed us with so much bounty, so much beauty, so much excess... But He is has nowhere to live.

He is homeless.

We need to reflect upon the fact that if He doesn't feel comfortable living with us, we must fix that.

We need to think, what changes can we make to ensure that our homes, our world, can become a place where His shechina will want to reside?

R' Shimshon Pincus zt"l talks about making a "seuda ketana" with Hashem.

What is this small meal?

When someone makes a big meal, like a wedding, they invite many people and serve lots of varieties of food. The reason for this is that everybody has different tastes and he wants to make sure all his guests will be satisfied.

But when a small meal is prepared, for example a seuda for just a chosson and kallah, the food served is different. Before the meal, we check with both the chosson and kallah to see what they like. If the chosson likes something but the kallah does not like it, we do not serve that dish. We only serve foods that both the chosson and kallah enjoy eating.

This, says R' Pincus zt"l, is what we should do with Hashem. We should say, "Hashem, I want to eat a meal with you. I like The New York Times. Hashem, do you like it?"

No, Hashem does not like the New York Times.

"Then I can't have that in my home."

And this is how we can go through the things we bring into our homes, the things we do in our free time and the things we busy ourselves with.

We have to look at what we do, what we buy and what we allow into our homes and ask, Hashem, do you like it? Because I can only have it if you like it. I want you to sit with me Hashem. I want you to feel welcome in my house. I want you to want to spend time in my presence.

By making a seuda ketana with Hashem, we can reflect upon the things we do and the influences we allow into our homes. We will notice what changes we need to make to ensure that Hashem's shechina will want to reside amongst us. And that way, we will show Hashem that we are setting up our homes for Him to stay!

If Hashem once again feels comfortable living among us, He can bring us all back to His home and He will no longer be homeless. We will be able to live with the clarity and closeness to Him we so desperately need. And we will be able to say, "I know that I did what it took to welcome Hashem back home. I made the changes I needed to make Him want to make the changes we were all hoping for!"

May we merit to celebrate the rebuilding of the bais hamikdosh instead of mourning its destruction!

Have a meaningful and introspective fast.

Parshas Chukas

After Miriam was niftar, the Be'er Miriam dried up and the Jews complained that they were thirsty. Hashem told Moshe to speak to the rock but instead he hit it and water came forth.

When we want something from someone, we can speak gently and with kindness or speak harshly and use force. Using force might get us what we want, but not in the way we want. The person may give in, but their feelings towards us will change. The better way is to speak softly and with sensitivity. The person will be more receptive to what we are saying and this interaction will bring the person closer to us instead of create distance between us. 

May we be able to use a more gentle approach when speaking to others and keep our interactions peaceful and happy! 

Purim Poem

Here is the poem I sent along with my mishloach manos this year. Enjoy!

Purim is here, a day full of fun
A day of happiness for everyone
The megillah is read for all to hear
Then gifts to the poor and goodies to share
There is so much meaning to the mitzvos we do on this day
It’s about finding Hashem in nature in a deeper way
Everything we have is like a personal gift from Hashem
From our health to our family and everything between them
It’s sometimes hard to notice that it’s special for you
When everyone around you has the same gifts too
So on Purim when the megillah is read
Hashem is migaleh, He is revealed from beginning to end
Even though His name is not mentioned at all
We can find Him when we see Haman’s downfall
Just like Esther didn’t understand why she had to be married to the king
It was only later when she saved the Jewish Nation that she understood everything
So too in our own lives, we may not always see Hashem’s hand
But we must internalize this emunah that He has a good plan
So after reading the megillah, our hearts overflow
With love for Hakadosh Baruch Hu for now we know
That whatever may appear to be bad in our eyes
Is really for the good, Hashem is just disguised
Now we want to give back to Hashem but how can we
Give anything to the King of all kings who created you and me?
Instead we give His children two types of gifts on this day
Matanos Li’evyonim is filling their needs and it’s as if we say
Hashem, I’m taking care of your children and since I am your child too
Please continue to take care of me, giving me all I need from you
Then Mishloach Manos-we give to people who don’t need anything
It is an expression of our relationship and closeness it does bring
So too Hashem gives each of us things we need because we lack
But He gives us so many extras, more than just the clothing on our backs
This shows that He loves us because we are His children so dear
He takes care of us and gives us so much bounty, every day every year
So on this Purim day, let’s realize that we show our appreciation
To Hashem for all the good by giving gifts to His Chosen Nation
And may this Purim be the year
When the “whys” of our life all disappear
And all is revealed and it’s finally clear!

A Freilichen Purim!

(If you are looking for a Purim poem and came across this one and want to use it, please email me or leave a comment here. Thank you!)

Seek Him-A Poem

Why?
Why is it
So clear
So obvious
So noticeable
Why?
Why is it
So much easier
To see Hashem
To notice Hashem
When things are good?
When things go right?
When we hear good news
And we say, 
"Mazel tov!"
A birth
An engagement
A simcha
A bar mitzvah
A wedding
We know it's from Hashem
And we thank Him for it
What a miracle
The birth of a child
The meeting of two halves
The achievement of a milestone
It's all to His credit!
It's from Hashem
And we are thankful.
So why is it
That when things go wrong
When things are hard
When we hear bad news
It's not so obvious?
We don't see Hashem
As clearly?
He's not as noticeable
And we wonder
And we question
And we ask
Why?
We wonder...
What if?
We think...
Why me?
Why her?
Why them?
Why now?
Why is there so much pain?
We don't see Hashem
We can't find Hashem
And we wonder...
Where is Hashem?
In all this pain
In all the loneliness
In all the sadness
We hear bad news
We hear sad news
A miscarriage
A broken engagement
A levaya
A loss
A divorce
A challenge
Any challenge
It's so much harder
To see Hashem
To find Hashem
Why?
Where is He hiding?
"Imo anochi b'tzarah"
Hashem says,
I am with you
In your pain
You are not alone.
I'm here
Right here
At your side
Don't hide
From me
At this moment
Search for me
Look for me
Try to find me
Seek me out
And you'll see
I'm right here
I'm always here
I'll never leave your side
For you're my child
And I love you.
It may be hard
It might not be obvious
It might not be noticeable
Because we feel lost
And alone
But when we look out for
Hashem
Even when things are hard
Especially when things are hard
Specifically when we are confused
We will find Him.
If we seek Him
We will see Him
We need to look
Outside
Instead of focusing only
On the pain
Inside
Look beyond the pain
Realize...
There is something to gain
From this exact moment
From this exact situation
Hashem is there
With you
In your pain
He is right here.
Turn to Him
Ask Him
To help
Things change
For the better
To help 
You change
For the better
From this exact moment
From this exact situation
Ask Him
Beg Him
And trust in Him.

Fire

I'm still reeling.

I can't digest this. The enormity of this tragedy...the depth of this pain...It's just to much. 

How will these parents go on?

How?

How can it be that a beautiful family of 8 children is suddenly reduced to a family with just one child? A girl who until now had 7 siblings is now an only child. How can that be?

I have so many questions. Questions I'll (probably) never get answers to.

There are no answers when something so big and so incredibly sad happens.

It's just too much.

Why??

I don't know. 

We can't know. 

We can't understand Hashem's ways.

We don't know why this had to happen.

But...I need to take a message. I need to do something. I can't just cry without changing.

I think about fire. 

Fire...it has such power. 

With fire, one can cook food on the stove, light up a dark room and bring warmth into a cold place. Fire brings peace onto a family when shabbos candles are lit.

But fire can also be so destructive. It can burn a house, it can take people's lives.

It all depends on how it is used.

I think about that. I think about it good and hard. 

There are many things that have this power. The power to build, the power to destroy.

Our words.

Our time.

Our phones.

The internet.

How do we use...Our words?

Are we building or destroying? Are we bringing people up or knocking them down?

How do we use...Our time?

Are we using it constructively, building, doing, changing? Or are we letting time pass, wasting precious moments by not fully being present, by doing things that destroy our souls?

How do we use...Our phones? 

Do we use them to build...relationships? To bring people up? To listen, support, encourage, share positive things? Or are we using those phones to say things that are mean, hurtful and so destructive? 

How do we use...the internet? 

It is such a powerful tool. But just like fire, if it is not used properly, if it is not contained, it will destroy. Our lives, or souls, our relationships...and our very own children. 

Are we building or destroying? Are we creating or ruining....with the very special gifts we've been blessed with?

I can't know why this happened. No one can know. But I can ask the other kind of why. Like R' Rietti says, maduah and lamah both mean why. Maduah, which comes from da, keeps a person in the past. They want to know, to understand...the details, what caused this and what the reasons are. But we can't really know why it had to happen. Why Hashem gave us such a terrible blow. 

The second why, Lamah, comes from Li-mah, to what. What is this bringing me to? How will this horrific tragedy propel me to make changes, to move forward, to become better?

THAT is the only why each of us can answer.

Maybe we can each spend some time thinking about why...what this can bring us to change.

Very soon, we will be burning our chometz, getting rid of the ten pieces of bread we hid after cleaning our houses for pesach. 

Can we also look through our closets, drawers and shelves to see if there is anything in there that should be burned in that fire? Do we have clothing, books, cds or magazines that are not good for our neshamos? Are we hurting our souls with the things we are feeding it?

Let's rid our homes and our souls of things that are not good for our spirituality.

Let us throw the negative forces into the fire, purify our souls so that we can give meaning to the only why we can answer.

May Hashem comfort the Sassoon family...because we cannot think of words of comfort. May Hashem comfort each of us with the ultimate nechama in this month of geula so soon.

When You Have Reason To...

Today, Yud Zayin Tammuz is the beginning of the Three Weeks. 

The purpose of a fast day, whether or not you are actually fasting, is to bring you to do teshuva, to change, to do something different. 

The Bais Hamikdosh was destroyed because of sinas chinam, baseless hatred. Because people had negative feelings towards others for no real reason. 

"She gets on my nerves."

"I can't stand her."

"She knows just how to push my buttons."

"I'm embarrassed to be seen around her."

But...what about when you do have a reason to hate someone? 

What about when you have negative feelings towards someone who hurt you?

When you keep all your hurt inside, it will continue to bubble and boil until that pot of emotions overflows and explodes over one last straw.

It is important to learn how to deal with those emotions. 

How to deal with difficult people that Hashem put into your life for a reason.

How to express those feelings so you could make things better.

Express how you feel. Tell the other person that you are upset, hurt or angry. But if you do it in the heat of the moment, they will probably have a hard time hearing you. If you wait until things are calmer, there is more of a chance of working through what is bothering you in a way that is productive...with both of you being open to hearing each other, without any of you feeling defensive or under attack. A calm conversation leaves more room for open communication.

And when you focus on how YOU feel, instead of on what the other person did wrong, you are helping the other person learn you, learn your needs and what makes you tick. Instead of them feeling like they are in the wrong for what they did, you are making them aware of what things hurt you. What things bother you. And then they could focus on doing things differently next time. Because its about making you happy. Not hurting you. Being in tune to your feelings.

Relationships are complicated. 

People are complicated.

Life is complicated.

But you can learn some tricks and tips to work on making the complicated things in your life a bit more bearable. When you have tools in your hands, when you know how to deal with challenging situations, you will feel empowered to keep trying, to keep going, keep learning and keep growing. 

And that's exactly what we are here for.

May you be able to work on keeping things peaceful with those you love and are close with and may you find the right path to achieving harmony among all those you come in contact with.

Have a meaningful fast!

A Different Connection

There is something I once heard about our relationship with Hashem that I would like to share with you.

Sometimes, when going through the tests that come along with real life, we start to question and challenge things that may have been part of the foundations of our emunah. It's not such a great feeling...to know that we have these doubts. And it makes us feel distant when we have the big WHY in our head.

Why is this happening?
Hashem...why are you doing this to me? This is too hard.

A person can start to feel like they are disconnected from Hashem. Like asking and questioning is sure proof of how far they have gone.

What happened to the good Bais Yaakov girl they once were? What happened to the idealism? What happened to the hashkafos that were so ingrained in them?

They used to accept everything they heard at any speech, class or lecture without challenging any of it. They used to drink in spirituality whenever they read or heard anything inspiring.

Suddenly, it's not so easy anymore. Suddenly, they aren't so sure that things are the way people say they are. Who says anything is so true? How does anyone really know the reasons and the answers? 
 
So they begin to ask...why questions, questions of uncertainty, questions that search for clarity. Sometimes they verbalize them-when there is someone to ask, and other times they keep them inside, because those questions seem like...too much. But they are there-the skepticism, the doubts, the confusion. 

Is this all a clear sign of how far they strayed from Him? 

In truth, all of this shows just how deeply they were hurt by, but at the same time connected to, Hashem. Those questions come from a burning desire for closeness, understanding and clarity. They ask because really, what they want is an end to the difficulties...for things to be somewhat easier...and they want to understand, they want to be close, even while going through such strong and difficult tests.

Many of us think of a relationship with Hashem in positive terms, like noticing Hashem in the good things, appreciating Him and asking Him for things when we need. But there's a different connection, a bond just as real and as close, in the complaining and asking why.

Why is that so?

When a person turns TO Hashem when they're upset...or just plain frustrated...and they don't turn away from Him, it shows they still have that kesher. They KNOW the difficulties they are experiencing are from Him and they're annoyed at Him, almost as if they're saying, How could you do this to me? How could you pile this on-on top of everything else I'm dealing with?? Since the person continues to acknowledge and talk to Him, with the awareness that it all comes from Hashem, it shows that they are still so very close.

This can be compared to someone who comes to their father/mother when they are fuming mad at him/her for doing something to them-knowing that it came directly from their parent. The child does not cut off ties with them because of what was done, no matter how upset he is. The child is still talking to their father or mother. The two of them still have that connection...and it's a very strong one. This bond is so powerful and it will keep them close even when they are angry or hurt.

When a person reaches inside themselves when they are experiencing real challenges, when they start to question everything they hear, they may feel distant. But really, this is an expression of the pain they're in, of the depth of the soul connection they have with the One Above, albeit not a connection one would use to describe closeness. But honestly, it IS a connection of closeness, of yearning, of desire...and yes, of love. Love amidst anger and pain but love nonetheless.

There are different stages of our relationship with Hashem. Sometimes it is positive and easy and other times it is tough-but one must remember that at all points, that connection is never severed. The bond is there, always.

May you be able to always feel close to Hashem...no matter what kind of connection you have.

Shavuos - Why Was The Torah Given in The Desert?

This was posted before and I want to share it with you once more.

One of the most popular questions raised regarding the Giving of the Torah, is why it was given in the desert.

HaRav Shimshon Pincus Z’tl, looks at the question from a different perspective. HaRav Pincus asks not why the Torah was actually given in the Midbar, but rather why the Torah was not given in Eretz Yisroel. After all, does not the very air of Eretz Yisroel itself make one wise? Wouldn’t the intense kedusha of Eretz Yisroel have a unique and special effect on those receiving the Torah?

HaRav Pincus answers that we must put the Giving of the Torah in its proper perspective. On Pesach, HaKadosh Baruch Hu chose us as his Kallah, as his bride. The Shidduch was made, and we celebrate our new relationship over Pesach. The days of Sefirah are the equivalent of the engagement period - between the Vort and the Chasuna itself. Shavuos is then, the Great Wedding, where Hashem came out to greet us as a Chosson steps forward to greet his Kallah. The period after Shavuos is the time in which the newfound relationship was to be firmly and eternally established.

We can now understand why the Torah had to be given in the desert. A Chosson and Kallah need time with each other, without any distractions whatsoever - not even holy or important ones - in order to form an eternal bond. Giving the Torah in Eretz Yisroel would be the equivalent of getting married in a kitchen, even if it was Glatt Kosher LeMehadrin! As soon as the Chupa was over, the Chosson would soon be learning how to use the Shabbos Clock, and the Kallah would start figuring out how to make cholent! Just as the Yichud room follows immediately after the Chupa so that the newlyweds can focus on each other and only on each other, so too, did we need our special time to be separated from everything else and unite with HaKadosh Baruch Hu.

In order to connect to Hashem, we have to disconnect from the world for a moment. We have to get rid of the distractions and things that hold us back from getting to know Him. The best place to do that is in the midbar-in the desert, where there are no iPods, cameras, videos, magazines, computers with internet! All these things can be major distractions and hold us back from connecting to Hashem so this is what the midbar comes to teach us-about being alone, just us and Hashem, nobody else!

We are now like the Chosson and Kallah a little before the Chuppah. The anticipation, the last minute preparations, the prayers that everything goes right...but we must also remember that the goal to be achieved when Shavous arrives is not only the marvelous and incomparable moment of the Wedding itself, but also the raising of our own personal ever-special and eternally-lasting relationship that must follow, as expressed by the love that we have for Hashem, the improved way in which we study His Torah and the devoted manner and especially warm care in which we perform His Mitzvos!

We need to set aside some time during the day or during week and make it special and use it to connect to Hashem. Turn off the music, shut down the computer, don't look at your cell phone, stop texting (!), reading or whatever it is that you are doing and instead, use the time you have to show Hashem you want to connect to Him by doing something that will bring you closer to Him!

CG's First Birthday

Today's Chaya Gitty's (English) birthday. She's just a year old but...so much happens in one year. The amount of growth and development I see in my daughter from when she was a tiny newborn until now is amazing. She can already say a few words, she crawls (and her older brother likes to copy her :-) ) and will soon be walking!

I had this same thought when I wrote a post on SB's first birthday but it hit me again this morning. Look at how much a baby changes in the first year of their life. They learn so much about the world around them and develop from a newborn who is unable to do anything but cry, eat and make in their diapers to real little people. Little people who are slowly discovering so much about their own little world. Chaya Gitty is a whole new person already. She's little but she knows and understands so much.

This made me think about how much I did in this past year. How much did I change? I know a lot changed around me and there were so many stories that happened in the past year but did they change me?

When I put my daughter to sleep tonight and sang to her, my eyes filled with tears and I began to cry. I couldn't finish the song. I just looked at her precious little eyes staring right back at me, sweet, innocent eyes and let myself cry. I cried tears of appreciation and tears of hope. I looked at her with such appreciation and gratitude to Hashem for giving me such a sweet, soft princess of a baby. It such a bracha to be blessed with such a gift. And I cried tears of hope for the future...and I davened. I davened for her to be good in every sense of the word, to have good friends when she grows up and to always be happy.

Every parent wants their child to be happy. Do we begin to realize how much our parents do for us and to what lengths they go to try to make us happy? They make decisions based on how they think it would affect us and always have our good, our ultimate good in mind. We should appreciate all they do, speak to them with respect and realize just how much they do for us.

I once heard that Hashem put the parent-child relationship into this world so that we could learn how to relate to Him. Just like a parent does so much for a child but the child cannot fathom how much the parent really does, so too, Hashem does so so much for us and we can't even begin to imagine how much He really does for us. Of course it takes no effort on His part to do all that He does but do we realize how much we have to be grateful for? He keeps us alive and healthy and gives us so much bounty. Family to care for us, friends to have fun with, so many choices of foods to eat...every little detail of our lives, every little and big blessing all comes from Him. Spend some time every day saying thank you to your Father in Heaven!

A birthday, from the very first one, can be used as a day to think about and thank Hashem for all the blessings and good things He has given you. I am so lucky to have a daughter as precious as Chaya Gitty and I hope to continue to feel this deep gratitude to Him for all the good Hashem will continue to shower upon our family.

Any sprinkles left on the cupcake? (She's too little for a whole big cake :-D)

Forgiveness

This was posted before. I think it's something important to read at this time of year.

The following question was submitted anonymously.

If a person feels they can't forgive someone, must they say they forgive them?

They don't want to forgive them because they caused them so much pain, however they don't want to suffer the consequences of that action. What to do?

I'm sure that there are other people reading this blog that also have this question and I'm so glad you asked it so I can try to answer it for all those who were wondering but just didn't ask. I really respect you for trying to find a way to get past the hurt and work on really forgiving others for the pain they have caused you-that is really something to look up to!

Forgiveness can be a very difficult thing. On one hand, someone else hurt you and on the other hand, you know it is a very dangerous thing to hold on to the past without letting go.

One important thing to remember is that every single thing that happens to you is from Hashem. Of course we all know that as a fact but internalizing it and really feeling it when things are tough or when someone hurts your feelings is another story. If a person hurts your feelings, says something to make you feel bad, embarrasses you or does anything that makes you not want to forgive them, know that this is all from Hashem. S/he cannot do anything to hurt you if Hashem didn't want it to be that way.

Maybe it's a kapparah - if you are embarrassed in public or if someone says something to hurt your feelings and you don't answer back, you are seriously erasing your aveiros in a way that you cannot imagine! And what a better time to get your aveiros erased than before Yom Kippur! I'm sure we can all use that - a quick "delete" of our sins so we can become cleansed.

Maybe this is a way for you to work on your middos, on being more accepting, on not letting things get to you. If someone hurt you in a way that made you feel really bad, you need to think about it-why does this hurt me so much? Maybe I'm holding on to something too strongly and I need to let it get past me?

And maybe it happened for unknown reasons-unknown to you, that is. Because Hashem has a plan, He knows what He is doing and just know that this is all for your good, for the good of your neshama, for your spiritual growth. You can take this as a way to let yourself become a more giving, forgiving person.

Keep telling yourself again and again no one can hurt me in any way unless Hashem wants it to be. I may not understand why He wants this to happen, but I know that whatever happens in my life is not in my control. I will work on myself to look past the things that hurt me so I can forgive.

Forgiveness is not for the other person-it's for yourself. It's so that you learn to become a better person, a person who can give in, a person who can say it's okay.

Now, don't get me wrong, you should not let yourself become a doormat. If someone keeps hurting you again and again, perhaps you need to reevaluate your relationship and see if it is going in the right direction. I don't know who it is that hurt you that you are trying to forgive - but know that if it is someone with whom you can end a relationship or maybe make them realize your side, maybe you need to do that: talk it over. Tell the person that you feel hurt by whatever was done/said to you. Try to get that person to understand your side.

Also, some things are so trivial, so unimportant that when you will look back in a little while, you will realize that it was so not worth getting upset about. Of course, right now when you are in that situation, it hurts and it hurts terribly. But when you look back after you are over and done with it, you will be able to see that these things pass and things will get better.

You may have heard that if you forgive other people, especially when it's hard for you, Hashem will forgive you. What could be better than that? Now, before Yom Kippur, don't we all want forgiveness for our aveiros? By you going the extra step and saying, I will find it within myself to forgive this person and get past the pain, Hashem will forgive you for the things you may have done that were "too much"!

I hope this helps answer your question and if you still have more to add, you can email me, submit another question anonymously or just drop a comment. Either way, can you please leave a comment to let me know that you read this post and if it helped at all?

May you be able to forgive all those who have hurt you with a light heart and may this year be one where we all achieve full forgiveness from Hashem!

Shavuos - Why Was The Torah Given in The Desert?

This was posted last year and I want to share it with you once more.

One of the most popular questions raised regarding the Giving of the Torah, is why it was given in the desert.

HaRav Shimshon Pincus Z’tl, looks at the question from a different perspective. HaRav Pincus asks not why the Torah was actually given in the Midbar, but rather why the Torah was not given in Eretz Yisroel. After all, does not the very air of Eretz Yisroel itself make one wise? Wouldn’t the intense kedusha of Eretz Yisroel have a unique and special effect on those receiving the Torah?

HaRav Pincus answers that we must put the Giving of the Torah in its proper perspective. On Pesach, HaKadosh Baruch Hu chose us as his Kallah, as his bride. The Shidduch was made, and we celebrate our new relationship over Pesach. The days of Sefirah are the equivalent of the engagement period - between the Vort and the Chasuna itself. Shavuos is then, the Great Wedding, where Hashem came out to greet us as a Chosson steps forward to greet his Kallah. The period after Shavuos is the time in which the newfound relationship was to be firmly and eternally established.

We can now understand why the Torah had to be given in the desert. A Chosson and Kallah need time with each other, without any distractions whatsoever - not even holy or important ones - in order to form an eternal bond. Giving the Torah in Eretz Yisroel would be the equivalent of getting married in a kitchen, even if it was Glatt Kosher LeMehadrin! As soon as the Chupa was over, the Chosson would soon be learning how to use the Shabbos Clock, and the Kallah would start figuring out how to make cholent! Just as the Yichud room follows immediately after the Chupa so that the newlyweds can focus on each other and only on each other, so too, did we need our special time to be separated from everything else and unite with HaKadosh Baruch Hu.

In order to connect to Hashem, we have to disconnect from the world for a moment. We have to get rid of the distractions and things that hold us back from getting to know Him. The best place to do that is in the midbar-in the desert, where there are no iPods, cameras, videos, magazines, computers with internet! All these things can be major distractions and hold us back from connecting to Hashem so this is what the midbar comes to teach us-about being alone, just us and Hashem, nobody else!

We are now like the Chosson and Kallah a little more than a week before the Chuppah. The anticipation, the last minute preparations, the prayers that everything goes right...but we must also remember that the goal to be achieved when Shavous arrives is not only the marvelous and incomparable moment of the Wedding itself, but also the raising of our own personal ever-special and eternally-lasting relationship that must follow, as expressed by the love that we have for Hashem, the improved way in which we study His Torah and the devoted manner and especially warm care in which we perform His Mitzvos!

We need to set aside some time during the day or during week and make it special and use it to connect to Hashem. Turn off the music, shut down the computer, don't look at your cell phone, stop texting (!), reading or whatever it is that you are doing and instead, use the time you have to show Hashem you want to connect to Him by doing something that will bring you closer to Him!