Easy to Say

It's easy to talk about emunah when things go smoothly. When everything about you is positve and happy. The real test, the real test of our strength and belief is when things get tough. When we do not understand.

I have been thinking about this ever since my last post about Hurricane Sandy. I wrote: Trees got thrown down just a few inches away from houses and cars. I saw with my own eyes the precision of the fall...how every inch is calculated. Another inch-and that car would have been smashed. Another inch-and that house would have had major damage. This showed me how every little detail is calculated, every inch, every moment of our lives. The same One who made the tree fall directly in front of that house and an inch away from that car, is watching over me every moment. The details of my life are calculated; Hashem works with precision and care.

Yes, all of that is true. But what about the trees that fell down and did cause destruction? As I was driving on the day I wrote that post, I passed a minivan that was completely shattered-from a huge tree that fell right on top of it. It wasn't a new model. I thought about the family whose car that must belong to. I thought about their pain, how hard it might be for them to replace their car. Maybe they were struggling and this was the last thing they needed...how would they get their children to school? How would they get to work? Forget about waiting on line for gas. They didn't even have a car!

What about all those who lost homes due to flooding and who will have to pay to redo all or parts of their homes? The amount of damage, the pictures I've seen...they moved me to tears. It didn't hit me until I saw Hamodia's Supplement, Waves of Wrath, Waves of Chessed. Pictures of seforim floating around in feet and feet of water, the beautiful aron kodesh knocked over...and the men and boys who continued learning and giving shiurim in the dark, by candlelight or flashlight. All of this made me cry.

We do not understand.

I do not understand.

I do not claim to have reasons. I do not claim to know why this happened. Who am I to pinpoint and say that it happened because of one specific aveirah I am guilty of, or one specific mitzvah I am not performing properly?

R' Fishel Schachter gave a very powerful speech about this. He spoke about how when something of such catastrophic proportions occurs, people try to give reasons and tell other people what it is that they need to change and do better.

He repeated a story that took place one summer. There was an accident that affected a certain family in Camp Ohr Shraga. After it happened, one rav got up and said that the accident happened because of bittul torah and proceeded to give a fiery speech about the importance of Torah learning and the danger of wasting time when one was meant to be learning.

After he concluded his speech, R' Yakov Kaminetzky stood up and said to the rav (in yiddish): Are you a navi? Are you a ba'al ruach hakodesh? Shamefully, the rav answered no to both of those questions.

R' Yakov continued, "So then how could you say that this happened because of bittul torah?? If it's true that this is why the tragedy occurred, then yes, everyone should work on strengthening themselves in the way they learn and the amount of time they spend learning. But if it is not true, since we do not know the cheshbonos of Hashem, you have to go back to the family who was affected by this tragedy and ask them for mechillah, for forgiveness...for speaking ona'as devorim, for causing pain with the words you said! Because they will be thinking, If only people would have learned better, if only people would not have wasted an extra minute...this would never have happened. And THAT is a very dangerous way of thinking and causes tremendous hurt and guilt to the family involved."

And then R' Yakov gave his own passionate speech about bittul torah. R' Yakov, who knew what it meant not to waste a minute of learning, who learned while wearing his boots and would fall asleep before he had the energy to take them off, he gave a speech about the importance of utilizing every moment to learn.

That is a gadol.

We do not know why things happen. None of us are great enough or big enough to give reasons. We can take personal messages from the events that happened-and we should. We should look inside our hearts and see what we need to change, on a personal level. But we cannot go around making broad statements saying exactly why this happened. We simply do not know.

It's when things are tough and we do not understand...that is when we need to work on strengthening our emunah. On knowing that no matter what happens, there is a reason for it. And even though we do not know why, there is a reason, there is a Creator. He is my G-d. I trust Him completely, especially when I do not understand. Especially when I am confused. Especially when life doesn't go the way I want it.

Hashem knows. Hashem runs my life.

It's easy to say. It's easy to talk about when things go smoothly. Now it's time to put it into practice. To internalize this trust, to work on it, to strengthen it, to make my emunah rock-solid, super strong.

It's easy to say.

Memories of a Gadol

A friend of mine, Esti C. emailed this to me in response to this post about Rav Scheinberg zt"l. 

I felt a personal connection to HaRav Scheinberg because he lived in the same building as my great-grandfather, HaRav Zeidel Epstein, the mashgiach of Torah Ohr (Rav Scheinberg's yeshiva), whom I visited very often (almost daily) during our year in seminary. 

My Israeli cousin lived in the same building too and took care of my great-grandfather, as well as doing some things for Rav Scheinberg as well. He felt completely at home there. He would just knock and walk in. He took me there many times too.

Though, I never had the experience of cleaning his desk while he sat there ... I know what you must have been feeling. It's an incredible feeling. Scary, all at once.

I felt that many times, as I sat with my great-grandfather, who was not the way he used to be, having just been in a coma. I would sit and hold his hand and stroke it. Then, I would think about all his talmidim and all the things he accomplished in his life; the brachos he gave, the mussar he gave. And I would think - who am I to be touching a person of such stature? How can I just sit here and act as if he is a "regular" person. So I would just sit and watch him in awe, as he slept, his face so peaceful.

Many days, I davened mincha in his kitchen, or on the marpeset (porch) in the back of his apartment. I honestly remember feeling kedusha there, more than in my own room in the dorm.

And, on those days when he was awake and aware and could talk, he would say one thing to me - nem (take) - he was worried about me. While he was the fragile one, he was only concerned that I should have something to eat. He would motion for me to go the makolet at the corner to buy something for myself to eat and put it on his bill. In the beginning, I didn't understand what he wanted me to do, as he couldn't speak in full sentences. But the assistant that stayed with him explained to me. Sometimes I pretended that I had something to eat because I felt bad buying this on his cheshbon, but he knew when it wasn't true :)  He could see right through it.

Many times, I asked him for brachos. Though he could only speak few words, he did give me a bracha for a shidduch, and other things too. At the end of the year, I specifically asked him that I should be zocheh to come back to visit him with my husband iyH. To the astonishment of the assistant, he actually put his hands on my head and gave me a bracha. However, as I am the oldest in my family and had until that point been the only one in my family (from my siblings) to ever see my great-grandfather in person, I asked him for a bracha that my siblings should be zocheh to come visit him as well. Yet, to this, he did not respond. It was very strange. It was almost as if he didn't hear that I had asked anything. The assistant tried too. But, my great-grandfather just motioned that he was getting tired and wanted to rest.

Then - I went back to America at the end of the year and bH got married during that first winter. The following summer, my husband and I went to EY and were indeed zocheh to visit my great-grandfather, just as he had promised. We stayed for ten days. 3 weeks after we left back to America, my great-grandfather was niftar. The reaction of my great-grandfather regarding my siblings visiting him had not been just a coincidence. He knew they were not going to come during his lifetime. I cried and cried and cried. But I thanked Hashem from the depths of my heart that I had had the opportunity to become close to my great-grandfather, even if it had not been in the prime of his life, when he had been a vibrant powerhouse of torah and yiras shamayim.

May our deepest wish come true for us to be zocheh to see the geula sheleima b'karov!!

R' Chaim Pinchos Scheinberg zt"l

Another gadol has been taken from us.

R' Chaim Pinchos Scheinberg was niftar yesterday.

It's scary. It's a shock. We need our gedolim. We need their zechusim.

When I was in seminary, I went along with a friend of mine to clean his house for Pesach. It was actually very exciting beforehand that we were able to be the ones to go. There was a girl who did chessed in his house every week but she was going back to America for Pesach so she asked a friend who asked a friend and eventually, it got to my friend and the two of us went together.

I cannot describe to you the feeling of true awe to be standing in front of a gadol of that stature. We were going to clean his house for Pesach. It felt like such a scary responsibility. Who am I to make sure Rav Scheinberg's house is chometz free? But his outlook on cleaning for Pesach was that it should be done b'nachas - calmly and happily and Pesach should not be a time of stress for the whole family. No, there is no chiyuv to go thru the corners of each drawer with a toothpick to get rid of the dust that's in between the cracks. Yes, you need to clean. But the idea is to get rid of chometz, not dust. You should not make yourself crazy.

I remember going through the kitchen cabinets and I thought it was so cute to see how they were savers (just like me :) ). They saved every little mini vodka bottle they had obviously gotten from different people for mishloach manos. They even had these mini salt and pepper holders that they had gotten on an El-Al flight (many years ago-that I could tell)...it was still high up in their kitchen cabinets.

I remember getting instructions from Rav Scheinberg on how he wanted us to line the cabinets with silver foil, unraveling it together with my friend and joking around...how he told us how to clean behind the refrigerator but do it simply and not work too hard...At some points, his house felt like such a "normal" house.

But then there were the special times, when you couldn't help but feel like you were in the presence of greatness. Like when a phone call came in from someone who had dropped his tefillin and he needed to know if he has to fast or give tzeddakah...or when a mother came in with a few little children so they could watch her ask the gadol hador a shaileh about pesach cleaning...and the highlight (for me) - the daily mincha minyan in Rav Scheinberg's house. Since he was already quite elderly and it was hard for him to go out, people came to his house to daven mincha with the Rosh Yeshiva. Can davening mincha with a person this great be described in words? My friend and I got to stay in the kitchen and join the minyan. It was extra special to say the least.

When the time came for me to clean the dining room, I was literally shaking. Some parts weren't as scary because I was further away from where he sat. But when I got closer to him, I felt something that I cannot describe. How do you describe what it feels like to be in such close proximity to someone so great?

I got to his desk. I took a broom and swept around his feet. He lifted his feet up for me so I could get all the crumbs into a pile. He picked up his feet for me? I can't describe the feeling. At some points, I almost felt like he was able to see through me. It's a very scary feeling.

Then I had to clean his desk. It was full of papers and kvitlach and things I was too afraid to touch. I cleaned his phone with trembling hands. I couldn't do more. I gave the job to someone else. She must've been more of a regular in their house because she did it without a problem; she stacked the papers and moved some things around and got the desk done.

I remember the brachos I got from Rav Scheinberg when I was done. He said, "You should get a good shidduch...a good shidduch" (and it came true...a very good shidduch :-) )

What will stay with me most is that feeling of being in the presence of someone so great. If I ever want to picture it, I can just close my eyes and bring myself back to his room, the room where he sat and answered so many phone calls, shailehs, gave advice and brachos...I can transport myself back there and feel what it felt to stand near a gadol...and all it makes me want to do is strive higher and be better than the best I could be.

Baruch dayan ha'emes.

Lessons on Rav Aharon Kotler's Yartzeit

Today is the Yahrzeit of HaRav Aharon Kotler, Z’tl (R’Aharon Ben R' Shneuer Zalmen), who built up Lakewood and changed the outlook of the world on Torah life and Torah learning. Here are two points from his teachings. May they be a zechus for his beloved neshama and a zechus for us.

* The Ramban writes (in Sha’ar HaGemul) that there are three Judgments that a person must succeed in. The yearly judgment (on Rosh Hashana), the judgment faced upon departure from Olam Hazeh, and a third judgment prior to Techiyas Hameisim. What is the difference between the second and third judgments - after all, the person was not alive any more to perform mitzvos or commit aveiros! HaRav Aharon explains that this judgment is most complete, because it also takes into account all of the ramifications of a person’s actions since they passed away. What did you accomplish, what mark did you leave - did you lead others in the Derech Hashem of Torah and Mitzvos - by your sincere action and your exemplary conduct? If so, all of the actions that succeed you in all future generations of those who learned from you, whether it be children, other relatives, neighbors, co-workers, acquaintances or friends (even of the impressed person sitting next to you on the bus or plane)-all of this accrues to your merit. What we do in our lives is so important, not only for this moment or this year, but for a lifetime, and the generations that succeed them, until the end of days. Appreciate the true significance, the incredible and everlasting effects, of your actions, so that their ramifications benefit you - and the world - literally, to the end of days.
What a lesson!! The work is not over when a person leaves this world...they can affect generations because of the mark they left! Look at our brother Shalom a"h and see how much good came to the world and how many zechusim he is accumulating! So many people have changed and became better after he was niftar!! Our life is not over when we die, we have to remember that while we are alive, we can set an example for others, cause others to change and then the zechusim from their mitzvos become ours forever!!

* Chazal bring that the reason Lot was saved from Sedom was because he remained silent and did not disclose anything to the Mitzri’im when they were told that Sara was Avrohom Avinu’s sister. While this silence by Lot is admirable, it would seem that he had much greater zechusim to save him than this one act of silence. Had he not just taken in guests at the risk of his own life, was he not willing to jeopardize the welfare of his own family members so as not to violate the trust placed in him by his guests...and had he not just baked Matzos in celebration of Pesach?! Why do we have to go back so long, to such a seemingly insignificant event as simply not disclosing Sara’s additional relationship with Avrohom to the wicked authorities? HaRav Aharon answers that we learn from here how much more important it is in the eyes of Hashem if your act or deed is an expression of your own thoughts and efforts - your self-developed “madreiga atzmis” - a level that you have reached or attained by yourself, rather than simply acting in a certain (even good) way because you are used to it, because your parents did it, or because you are fortunately in that kind of environment. This point, HaRav Aharon continues, is incredibly true, even if the habitual or customary item is truly much greater-and even if it involves actual mesirus nefesh-in its performance. Lot’s hachnosas orchim was par for the course, expected, and ordinary-in spite of the adversity and danger, because it was something that simply had to be done and get done. Developing your own area or areas of growth in Avodas Hashem is especially treasured by Hashem. Putting it in further perspective-in Lot’s case-and B’ezras Hashem in ours-it actually planted the seeds for Moshiach. Tread new ground, develop your own new path beyond that which you are used to and is expected of you-for this is your best measure of greatness!

We see many people who are "naturally" good in certain areas and other people who struggle to excel in the same area. Remember what is truly precious to Hashem - when you work on something and climb up the spiritual ladder it is MUCH greater than if it comes easy to you! So when you feel how hard it is and have a challenge, remember, your actions are worth so much more than someone for whom it is an easy thing to overcome!!