Windows

I look up
At the clouds
With the sun peeking through
And I seem to see
Windows
Windows to the heavens
And I wonder...
What is going on
Up there
In the heavens?
What happens?
Up high?
Beyond the clouds
Beyond the sun
Beyond all
We can see
What is going on?
Beyond the windows
If only I can see
Through the clouds
Through the shining rays
Understand the days
And nights
Of life.
Yet I cannot
Understand
I cannot fathom
God's ways
I have tried
But I haven't ever
Been able to 
Understand
His plan.
I look up
At what seems like
Windows
And I wish
I wish I could scream
And let my voice pierce 
The heavens
Let my voice reach
The highest heights
And then 
Like a silent whisper
Ask one question
Can I see my brother?
Can I speak to him?
Can I encounter him?
Can I approach him?
Can I spend time with him?
I have so much to ask him
So much to tell him
So much to share with him
So much to do with him
He is gone for so long
But he is not gone
He is in my heart
Never gone
I wish for so much
Wish we could talk
Wish we could spend
Time forever together 
So instead
He's in my head
All the time
And that's where
We spend time together
I think about him
I fantasize about him
About life
My life
With him in it.
He's certainly in my life
But not in the way
I dream of.
He's just in my dreams
But not in my reality
Sure, in reality
He's here
In my son's name
In the stories we share
About him
But it's just in
Our imagination 
I look up once more
Just to be sure
I can't pierce through the heavens
Through the windows above
That look so ready
To be penetrated
With the welcoming rays
Of the sun
I can't see
What's happening
Up there
I can only imagine
And live
The life I'm meant to live
Down here 
In this world of confusion 
Sometimes darkness
Sometimes light
I hold on tight
With all my might
As I continue to forge ahead
Knowing in my head
That Hashem knows
What's best
And He decided 
It's best for me
To be down here
While my brother 
Was taken
To a place up there
A better place 
A place of light
A place of peace
I have made peace
With it
As I pray for 
The ability
And strength 
To continue 
Living
And giving
With light
And love
And help from Above 
With strength 
And peace 
As long as 
I live.
I miss you
Shalom
More than I ever knew I could
I miss you
Shalom
Even though I believe this is for the good
You are in my thoughts
In my breath
In my heart
And in my mind
All the time
I hope I can
Give hope to those
Who have lost hope
Give strength to those
Who have lost their strength
It's through you
And your story
That I hope
I'll be able 
To give
So much
To those
Who need 
So much. 

Parshas Va'eschanan

We are told that we may not add on to or take away from any of the commandments in the Torah. The Torah is perfect and was given to us by a perfect God with specific instructions on how to live the most fulfilling life.

If we add on to one of the mitzvos, it might become too heavy and burdensome and we'll drop the whole thing. Doing less than what we were commanded to do makes us lose out on the perfect prescription for a meaningful life.

May we be able to enjoy the benefits of following the mitzvos and feel the deep satisfaction that comes along with living a Torah life!

It's Shabbos Nachamu-which means "let us comfort." We have an obligation to offer chizuk to others when they are down. When we comfort someone else, it also soothes our soul and makes us feel better.

May we live to see the day of ultimate comfort, of the geula shelaima...so soon!

To Accept

I found my comfort. After feeling like I've been going through inner torture since this story, Hashem sent just me the chizuk I needed. It didn't come from something I read online, or from a video or lecture I listened to... (and I I have been searching for something, anything that would heal my aching soul...)

Yesterday, I opened a pirkei avos to prepare a lesson for my students on sefira. I wanted to highlight some of the "mem ches devarim," 48 ways to acquire Torah. I figured I'll choose the ones most relevant and appropriate for them. As I was readijng through the list (it's in perek shishi), one of them jumped out at me and hit me in the heart. 

One way to acquire Torah is through "kabalas hayesurin," accepting painful things Hashem puts us through. I tried to keep reading, to keep going through the list, but my brain and my heart kept going back to that one.

It hit me.

If we are to live a life of Torah, we will experience painful things. We will not understand many of them. But we need to accept them. We need to accept that this is the will of Hashem.

It doesn't take the pain away. But this thought did soothe an aching heart. My soul was able to find some peace and I was able to rid my head of the crazy thoughts that have been traveling through my brain faster than I could control them these past few days.

When my kids were super cute and delicious, I would worry that it's the good ones that are taken. Every mother who loses a young child talks about how their kid's smile would light up the room. Or how their kid had an exceptional love of life. Or what a fun personality their kid had. Or how caring they were. So when my kids displayed their natural caring heart, my insides would scream...STOP! Don't be so good. So cute. So caring. So yummy. So full of positive energy and love of life. I don't want Hashem to take you Chas veshalom!

I couldn't deal with regular, positive, healthy interactions without thinking that this may be the last time...the last time I tuck my kids into bed, the last time I say "I love you..."

I thought...if this is what happens to someone who went through one loss, who is next? There seemed to be no guarantee that my family would be safe. That those close to me would be blessed to stay alive. 

I was scared. Scared of what the future would bring. Scared for my kids. Scared for everyone close to me that I love and care about. 

But then it hit me. 

Hashem decided to take this special engaged couple because...we don't know why. And we don't have to know why. But we have to accept it. We have to accept this pain so it doesn't rip us apart and hold us back from functioning. 

And this is how we will be able to be mekabel the Torah on shavuos. By realizing that we can't understand some of the difficult challenges Hashem sends to us. We can only accept it as reality and move forward with our spiritual growth. 

We can't let challenges paralyze us and stop us from living life. We have to look at the challenges as an opportunity for us to fix ourselves, to take one small thing upon ourselves so we can become more spiritual. We can become more loving and more expressive of that love towards those closest to us. We should inject joy and happiness into our lives and the lives of those around us. 

This is the way I found comfort and inner peace.

I hope you can, too.

Comfort

I posted this last year and wanted to share the message with you once again.

There are some contradictions in the halachos of Tisha B'av that make one wonder about the nature of the day. On one hand, we act like mourners, sit on low chairs, do not wear leather shoes and do not greet one another with a friendly "hello". On the other hand, Tisha B'av is called a Mo'ed, a yom tov-not only because it will be a yom tov when moshiach comes, but because now it can be viewed as a festival. This is why men do not say tachanun-a tefillah that is not recited on yomim tovim and other days of celebration.

How can Tisha B'av be viewed as a festival? Where is the joy in this sad day? And what can we take from the intense mourning of this day...that will bring us some measure of comfort?

The Chasam Sofer explains something interesting about the fact that we still mourn for the Beis Hamikdosh so many years after it was destroyed. There have been many nations in the history of the world who have gone through loss and destruction, yet none of them mourn; they have all been forgotten with the passage of time. Egypt, Spain, Rome-each nation had their high point and then fell. But we, the Jewish People, not only are we still around, but we still cry over our loss, so many years later. 

Why?

Our chachamim tell us that there is a gezeirah, a decree from Hashem, that the memory of one who died will fade as time goes on. It is possible for someone who experienced the loss of the death of a loved one to be consoled, to move on and even...even to forget. But because of this same gezeira, if someone mourns someone who they think is dead but really is alive, they will never be able to be consoled. No words, no stories, no inspiration...even the passage of time will ever comfort them. They will not be able to overcome this grief.

In the same way, other nations who have lost their power and greatness, who lost their country, who are no longer a People, can be consoled; they can overcome their loss...because their loss is final, it is complete. There is no hope for them. They will never be able to go back to their previous glory. The status they once held is considered "dead" and they become forgotten as time goes on.

However, the Jewish People can never be consoled over the loss of the Beis Hamikdosh. 

As it says in Megillas Eichah, ein la menachem-they have no one to comfort them. I always saw this as something so sad...for a different reason. When my family sat shiva for my brother, the stream of people coming to comfort us didn't stop. So many people came to try to offer words of consolation and to be there for us, with us in our pain. But when the Beis Hamikdosh was destroyed, there was no one to comfort the Jews-for they were all in the same boat. They were all hurting. They were all experiencing famine, death and loss. Who could offer words of comfort in such a setting? No one. They were all in it together.

But that's not what the Chasam Sofer is saying. He takes a whole different spin on that phrase. Why can we not be comforted over the destruction of the Beis Hamikdosh? 

Why?

Because it is not a permanent destruction. It is not a permanent loss. No matter how much time passes, our hearts still ache, our souls still yearn to return...because we will return. We cannot forget the pain...because it is not a permanent "death", it is but a temporary loss.

As it says in the first passuk in Eichah, ha'ir rabasi am, haysah k'almanah-the city that was great with people has become like a widow. And Rashi says, she is like a widow...but she is not really a widow. She is like a woman whose husband went to a foreign city with the intention of returning to her.

The very fact that we are still crying on Tisha B'av, that we still mourn the loss of the Beis Hamikdosh, that we still long for and hope to return to Yerushalayim, is in itself the greatest source of consolation. The greatest nechama.

This is the reason why Tisha B'av is referred to as a mo'ed, a yom tov, and why those tefillos that are not recited on festivals are omitted on this day. We can feel comforted and yes, even rejoice inside while we mourn...for we know that it is specifically because we are still mourning that we know we will once again return...return to our Father, return to our Land and return to the former glory we as a nation once had.

This shabbos, Shabbos Nachamu, is a time when we can find comfort in the fact that we are still here. We spent Tisha B'av in a mode of longing and yearning, as we (hopefully) cried, wished and hoped for the geula. Although we are still waiting for that day to come, we can be comforted by the fact that it will come...that we have never forgotten...and that our Nation is still alive.

May we be zoche to experience the true nechama and live to see the day come when Kol Hamisabel Al Yerushalayim...all those who mourn over the rebuilding of Yerushalayim...will actually see and experience the joy when the Beis Hamikdosh will finally be rebuilt!

Peace

Why?

My heart screams

Why?

Why did this have

To happen?

How?

How?

My insides shout

How did this happen?

How did Hashem

Allow this to happen?

And how?

How will these families

Go on?

Be comforted?

Will they ever

Find comfort

In this loss

In this brutal murder

Of their young sons?

I know

I know there are

No

Answers

In this world

I know this is

An upside-down world

Where good and bad

Are confused

Where happy and sad

Are diffused

Where we don’t know

What is true good

What is really bad

We just don’t know

But there is a plan.

I know

That

I don’t know

But still

I can’t help it

I can’t help crying

I can’t help feeling

This pain

I can’t help wishing

To understand

I know I can’t

I know I wont

In this world

They do.

Those up There

They understand

They know

They are at peace

In a better place

While we

Down here

Continue to

Struggle

Question

Ask

Wonder

Challenge

Wish

And cry.

They don’t need to

Struggle

Or question

They have no

Questions

They have no

Tears

These young boys

And all the other

Little boys

Whose lives ended

Way too soon

For those

Close to them.

They are happy

Up There

Their neshamos rejoice

In that very special place

Reserved for those

Very special souls

Who are held so close

To the One Above

Caressed with love

They know

It’s all for the good

They understand

This is how it should

Be.

There is a plan

Hashem’s guiding Hand

Orchestrated this.

But…this?

Something is amiss

I imagine bliss-up There

So then why

Did they have to die

Like this?

In a way

That makes everyone

Cry?

Why?

If they are going

Up to a place

Of eternal Peace

Then why?

Did they have to die

With such hatred

By bloodthirsty

Murderers?

Animals.

Is that how

They rose

Ascended

To the melech malchei hamlochim

To the place

Of Ultimate Peace?

By dying

This way?

Perhaps-

Perhaps it is

The peace

The unity

The achdus

The togetherness

That was achieved

Through these

Two plus weeks

To find

These missing

Boys

Our boys

Perhaps this

Peace

That came about

Through their

Disappearance

Through their

Tragic story

The unity

The prayers

The mitzvos

The tzeddakah

The peace

Between all

The breaking

Of barriers

Between all

Colors, stripes

Levels and types.

Maybe

Just maybe

The zechus

Of the peace

Their death brought

To this world

Down Here

Brought them up

Way up

There

To a place

Of Ultimate

Peace.

No, they didn’t die

With hatred

They died

With love

Unity

Brotherhood

Achdus

Connection

Between all

Jews.

May their souls

Rise up

May their families

Be blessed

With comfort

From

The Only One

Who can.

May their families

Be strengthened

By the unity

And peace

These little boys

Brought

Onto this world.

This is part of an even longer poem I wrote after I heard the very sad news about these boys and tried to work though some of my questions by writing out my feelings. If you want to see the whole poem, send me an email.

The Little Leaf

We live near a train station. From our window, we can watch the trains come and go. My little Moishy loves watching them. He gets all excited when he hears the engine of another train coming, stops what he is doing and runs to the window shouting "tchayy".

Recently, we started adding a "look out for trains session" before he takes his nap. Moishy sits on my lap and we look out the window together, waiting for the next train to come. We wave "hi" together and then say "ba-bye" to the train as it disappears from view.

Sometimes, many times, a train pulls up the second we sit down together and look out the window. Other times, it takes a little longer. But...so many times the train comes right away.

And I wonder...I think about the famous story about a rebbe who went on a walk with his chassidim in the forest. One chassid asked his rebbe why so many leaves were falling off the trees. The rebbe said he would watch out for the next leaf that fell and give him an answer.

As they continued to walk, another leaf slowly fluttered down to the ground. 

When the rebbe lifted up the leaf and saw a little worm under it, he explained the following, "This little worm was crawling in the forest and the sun was beating down its back. It was uncomfortable. So it called out to Hashem and cried, "Please Hashem, I am so uncomfortable. I am so small. I don't know what to do to help myself. Please, help me. Only YOU can help me." And so, Hashem commanded the wind to blow over all the trees in that forest. The wind blew and blew until it shook the leaves of one tree and one leaf detached from its branch and slowly fell to the ground. It swished this way and that until finally, it fell down...right on top of the little worm."

R' Yom Tov Ehrlich sings this song in yiddish. I don't remember the whole song, but I do remember the beautiful words at the end. Un der kleineh veremel iz eingeshlufin zees-loosely translated as-and the little worm fell asleep ever so softly...comfortable now, shielded from the blazing sun.

I love repeating this story to my children. It's such a good message for them to hear-again and again. They need to know that every little thing is calculated. Every leaf that falls down to the ground has a purpose. That Hashem takes care of every single person. If Hashem cares so much about the comfort of one little worm who called out to Him in prayer, don't you think He cares about each one of us? How important it is for us to call out to Hashem when we are uncomfortable. How it doesn't matter if it's something small, like if we are cold or hot or itchy or whatever, we can ask Hashem for anything. Nothing is too small for Him. And He cares. And He listens. And He answers....sometimes. (I don't tell them about the sometimes yet...they are not old enough to understand that there is so much that we cannot understand. :))

And I wonder...while I am sitting there on the bed with Moishy on my lap, looking out for the next train to come, is that too calculated? 

I wonder...there are so many people waiting for the next train. Some of them are in a rush, some of them are in no rush at all, many of them busy with their phones, tablets and games. Perhaps some people take a few steps forward and look out to see if the train is coming, if it is at the next station.

When the train finally does come, is that calculated for my little boy? Is that Hashem's way of giving over this message? I wonder if He's saying to all the passengers waiting to move on with their day, to get to work, to shop, back home or wherever they need to go...You need to wait another 30 seconds. There is a mother getting her son's pacifier and blanket together and they will be looking out the window in another few moments. This train has to come at that precise minute. Just another few seconds and your train will arrive...so that mommy and baby can come to the window and see the train at the exact moment that they sit down together.

Is this also part of Hashem's plan?

I like to think it is. It makes me feel loved and cared for.

It helps me see Hashem in the little things. So that when I have a hard time seeing Him in the bigger things, in this big confusing world I live in, I can know without a doubt that every single thing is calculated. That He knows what He is doing. Even when I don't see it. Even when I don't understand.

While I wait for the train to come roaring down the tracks, I have the daily opportunity to remind myself that Hashem  IS there. He IS watching. He IS taking care of me...of my little baby...and He is watching over the whole world with precision that can only be attributed to Hashem Himself. 

Thank you, Hashem, for this reminder.

Comfort

There are some contradictions in the halachos of Tisha B'av that make one wonder about the nature of the day. On one hand, we act like mourners, sit on low chairs, do not wear leather shoes and do not greet one another with a friendly "hello". On the other hand, Tisha B'av is called a Mo'ed, a yom tov-not only because it will be a yom tov when moshiach comes, but because now it can be viewed as a festival. This is why men do not say tachanun-a tefillah that is not recited on yomim tovim and other days of celebration.

How can Tisha B'av be viewed as a festival? Where is the joy in this sad day? And what can we take from the intense mourning of this day...that will bring us some measure of comfort?

The Chasam Sofer explains something interesting about the fact that we still mourn for the Beis Hamikdosh so many years after it was destroyed. There have been many nations in the history of the world who have gone through loss and destruction, yet none of them mourn; they have all been forgotten with the passage of time. Egypt, Spain, Rome-each nation had their high point and then fell. But we, the Jewish People, not only are we still around, but we still cry over our loss, so many years later. 

Why?

Our chachamim tell us that there is a gezeirah, a decree from Hashem, that the memory of one who died will fade as time goes on. It is possible for someone who experienced the loss of the death of a loved one to be consoled, to move on and even...even to forget. But because of this same gezeira, if someone mourns someone who they think is dead but really is alive, they will never be able to be consoled. No words, no stories, no inspiration...even the passage of time will ever comfort them. They will not be able to overcome this grief.

In the same way, other nations who have lost their power and greatness, who lost their country, who are no longer a People, can be consoled; they can overcome their loss...because their loss is final, it is complete. There is no hope for them. They will never be able to go back to their previous glory. The status they once held is considered "dead" and they become forgotten as time goes on.

However, the Jewish People can never be consoled over the loss of the Beis Hamikdosh. 

As it says in Megillas Eichah, ein la menachem-they have no one to comfort them. I always saw this as something so sad...for a different reason. When my family sat shiva for my brother, the stream of people coming to comfort us didn't stop. So many people came to try to offer words of consolation and to be there for us, with us in our pain. But when the Beis Hamikdosh was destroyed, there was no one to comfort the Jews-for they were all in the same boat. They were all hurting. They were all experiencing famine, death and loss. Who could offer words of comfort in such a setting? No one. They were all in it together.

But that's not what the Chasam Sofer is saying. He takes a whole different spin on that phrase. Why can we not be comforted over the destruction of the Beis Hamikdosh? 

Why?

Because it is not a permanent destruction. It is not a permanent loss. No matter how much time passes, our hearts still ache, our souls still yearn to return...because we will return. We cannot forget the pain...because it is not a permanent "death", it is but a temporary loss.

As it says in the first passuk in Eichah, ha'ir rabasi am, haysah k'almanah-the city that was great with people has become like a widow. And Rashi says, she is like a widow...but she is not really a widow. She is like a woman whose husband went to a foreign city with the intention of returning to her.

The very fact that we are still crying on Tisha B'av, that we still mourn the loss of the Beis Hamikdosh, that we still long for and hope to return to Yerushalayim, is in itself the greatest source of consolation. The greatest nechama.

This is the reason why Tisha B'av is referred to as a mo'ed, a yom tov, and why those tefillos that are not recited on festivals are omitted on this day. We can feel comforted and yes, even rejoice inside while we mourn...for we know that it is specifically because we are still mourning that we know we will once again return...return to our Father, return to our Land and return to the former glory we as a nation once had.

This shabbos, Shabbos Nachamu, is a time when we can find comfort in the fact that we are still here. We spent Tisha B'av in a mode of longing and yearning, as we (hopefully) cried, wished and hoped for the geula. Although we are still waiting for that day to come, we can be comforted by the fact that it will come...that we have never forgotten...and that our Nation is still alive.

May we be zoche to experience the true nechama and live to see the day come when Kol Hamisabel Al Yerushalayim...all those who mourn over the rebuilding of Yerushalayim...will actually see and experience the joy when the Beis Hamikdosh will finally be rebuilt!

Purim-Finding Hashem

When you listen to a speech, the speaker may never know how his words impacted you. When you read a book or article, the author may never know how his writing touched you. However, R' Shimshon Pincus zt"l can see exactly how his powerful and inspiring words gave me such a tremendous amount of chizuk. I don't need to track him down, try to find a phone number or email address to thank him and let him know how his seforim are changing my perspective, are changing me. He can see it himself from his lofty place in the olam ha'emes. And that gives me great comfort.

I want to share some of the inspiration I gained from his words with you.

One point we emphasize on Purim is v'nahapoch hu. This concept requires some understanding and clarification.

Rabban Gamliel, R' Elazar ben Azarya and R' Yehoshua came into Rome and started to cry when they heard the loud, happy voices of the Romans there. R' Akiva's response to that was...laughter.

They asked R' Akiva, "How could you laugh?"

"Why are you crying?"

"The goyim who are ovdei avoda zara, idol worshippers, are sitting comfortably while our beis hamikdosh was destroyed! How could we NOT cry?"

Said R' Akiva, "Im kein l'macheesav, kal vachomer l'osei retzono, if this is what happens to those who anger Hashem, how much more will the reward be for those who do His will!"

In another instance, they were walking together and when they reached Har Habayis, they saw a fox coming out of the place of the Kodesh Hakadashim. They began crying and once again, R' Akiva started to laugh.

A similar exchange followed.

"How could you laugh at such a sight?"

"Why are you crying?"

"The same place that it says v'hazor hakareiv yumas, if a stranger approaches it he must be put to death, is now free with roaming fox...just like it says al har tzion sheshameim shualim hilchu ba-the fox will walk on the desolation of the mountain of tzion. How could we NOT cry?

R' Akiva said, "For this reason I laugh. If Hashem fulfilled the prophecies of punishment and destruction, I am confident that He will also fulfill the prophecies of reward and ultimate geulah."

To which they replied, "Akiva, nichamtanu, you have comforted us."

There are two ways to relate to the things we have.

Imagine you are a guest at someone's home. You come in to the kitchen and you see a plate with ten slices of delicious looking cake. You can look at this in two ways.

Either you can think, the host set up the cake on the tray and it happens to be that one slice is for me to take. 

Or you can think, wow...this host loves me so much! Look at how he set up all these slices of cake for me! Really, he meant to give me a personal gift-delicious cake to eat. He could have just put one slice on the tray...because that would be enough for me to eat. But he put another nine slices so that it should be pleasant and comfortable for me and I shouldn't feel like I'm lacking anything!

Every moment that a person is alive, he receives an incredible gift-fresh air. And with that air a person is able to breathe from minute to minute. How does a person view this? How should a person view this?

Either a person can say, look Hashem gives everyone air so that they can breathe and it happens to be that He gives me air too.

Or...a person can say, look at how much Hashem loves me! He gives me this air personally, specifically for me. But just so that I should feel like I'm not lacking anything, He gives air to everyone else around me...

This is how Hashem hides Himself within nature, within our world. Everything He gives you is an expression of the love He has for you. 

Imagine you go to the grocery store to pick up a bottle of milk. When you get to the refrigerator section, you see 500 bottles of milk on the shelf. 

Either you can think, there is enough milk in this store for me and all the people in my neighborhood who need milk to drink.

Or...you can think, wow, Hashem wants me to have everything I need. So instead of me finding just the one bottle of milk that I need for my family, there are another 499 bottles of milk in the refigerator...just so I should feel like I'm not lacking anything! Hashem is hiding Himself in the teva of this world. He hides Himself among the rest of the bottles of milk on the shelf. But really, that one bottle of milk is a personal gift from Hashem to me.

A person can find Hashem in every single thing that happens, in every single moment of His life. Hashem hides himself in nature. But...He's really there. We just have to learn to look out for Him and notice all the good that He gives us...in the regular, daily things that we experience.

 
The word megillah comes from the lashon of l'galos, to reveal. All the other yomim tovim are meant to help us rise above nature to a more elevated, lofty level. We do this through the mitzvos of the day-shofar on Rosh Hashana, matzah on Pesach...

But Purim is different.

On Purim we learn that Hashem is right here with us, within the teva. If we take notice, we can see that Hashem is really there-hiding in nature itself. When we internalize this message, we can strengthen our connection to Hashem and increase the love we have for Him, realizing how much He does for us and how involved He is in every detail of our personal lives-all because He loves us! 

We can take this message from Megillas Esther.

In the beginning of the megillah, we read about Achashveirosh and how he sat on his new throne in Shushan, the new capital. Why did He set up his kingdom in Shushan if the kings before him were established in Bavel?

Achashveirosh wanted to sit on the throne of Shlomo Hamelech. It was beautiful, majestic and had animals on each step that would lift Shlomo up to the next step. However, any king before him who tried to sit on it got hurt from the animals. So he had carpenters make one for him that was exactly like the throne of Shlomo Hamelech. But once it was completed, it was too heavy to move anywhere. So Achashveirosh decided to move his entire capital over to Shushan, the place where his throne was. Who moves his entire kingdom, all his ministers and advisors just like that? And why did he do this? Because Mordechai Hatzaddik lived in Shushan. So Hashem made Achashveirosh move everything around just so that one tzaddik should be able to say in his place. This is but one example of how Hashem and His hashgacha is revealed through the story outlined in the megillah.

This is also why Hashem's name is not mentioned once in the megillah. If Hashem's name was spelled out, it would be removing Him from teva and saying how He performed a miracle above nature. However, by Hashem being "hidden" in every step of the Purim story, we learn to look out for him in this seemingly "regular" story. In the story that doesn't mention him. And we can take this message to heart. We must realize that Hashem is with us at every point. He is here with us-in the natural, in the regular, in the routine.  

The message of v'nahapoch hu is that everything you see in the teva, everything that seems like it is natural really is not. Each of these things are an expression of Hashem's love for us! Yes, it may seem like nature, but if you look just a teeny bit deeper, you can find Hashem in the regular things that happen. The air you breathe from is a personal gift from Hashem. He is pumping blood through your veins and through your body every second of the day-because He wants you in His world.

And this is why R' Akiva was able to laugh when all the others cried. He was able to find Hashem in the places where they couldn't. He was able to see the upside-down. How things weren't the way they seemed. He was able to explain with clarity when the others were confused. And that's how he was able to comfort them. By seeing things with an eye that looks out for the v'nahapoch hu. He was able to turns those things around and explain that Hashem really IS here with us.

And this is what v'nahapoch hu means. 

May you be able to realize what precious gifts you are given from Hashem, because He loves you and because He wants you to FEEL His love for you personally. May you be able to internalize the messages of the megillah by seeing how just like Hashem is revealed through the regular happenings in the Purim story, He can be revealed to you in your own life. You just have to look out for him.

My Mother's Strength

It's been a hard day for me. It's a hard time for me now. Now that my brother's yartzheit is coming closer, I think about him a lot. Some days I'm okay, some days I try to be and some days I just can't fight the emotions inside of me.

So I call my mother. I know it must be hard for her too...and I just want to talk to someone who is there with me...who can feel the pain together with me.

But my mother's response to whatever I tell her is not what I expect. She is so full of strength...when all I can do is cry.

She starts saying things to try to give me chizuk. Things that blow my mind away.

I have to stay strong for all of you. If I would have crumbled, the whole family would have fallen apart. And she's right. She is our pillar. She holds us all together. She is the one who keeps the entire family from going under.

Then she tells me about how she davened. She says, I never told you this? She repeated this to so many people that it's hard to keep track of who she said what to...and that her own daughter never heard this part.

My brother was niftar a week and a day after tisha b'av.The year he passed away, when it was time for Shabbos Mevorchim Rosh Chodesh Av, my mother davened so extra hard, with such strength and passion, begging Hashem to let the nine days pass without any tragedies and that everyone should be okay and stay safe. This is the part I knew about. But what she said last night...brought tears to my eyes...and they started flowing and wouldn't stop.

She said...I felt like Hashem gave Shalom an extra week. We were so lucky to have him. He was such an extraordinary child. He loved to do chessed. He loved to help other people. He was so mature for his age. Which boy his age loves to help the way he did? He was a gift. I am so grateful to Hashem for all the time we had with him....and for putting such a special child in our family.

For me...this makes me cry. An extra week?? My mother is strengthened and I'm just crying. I think...yes, he was such an exceptional child. But why did we have to lose him? I cry because I'm in pain...and because I miss him...and because I want him back. 

Then she tells me how Shalom finished his tafkid. How he was put down in this world to accomplish something...and how he did accomplish that something. And how now, now he's in gan eden. He is happy. 

He is happy. But I still cry. I continue crying. My mother continues speaking...trying again to comfort me and help me see the good. I don't see good. I just feel pain. I know deep down that this is for the good...and I don't understand how this is good or why it had to happen. 

She tells me how lucky she feels to have three grandchildren who are named after Shalom. Lucky? It hurts. It makes it more real when someone carries on his name. But she gathers strength from these things. Because she sees it as a gift. Every child is a gift. Each of her children are something to be grateful for. And to have a grandchild with the same name as her special child gives her comfort...comfort in knowing and hoping they will follow in his footsteps.

My mother is strong. I hope one day I too will have such strength and be able to feel all the things I know are true but bring so much pain to my heart when I think about them. One day, I will think about my brother and it wont hurt so much. I'll be able to feel comforted in the fact that Hashem put him into this world for the amount of time He did and we were lucky to have him. That he is in a good place. That he accomplished what he was supposed to. All the things I know in my head but I don't yet feel in my heart. Slowly, the gap between my mind and heart will get smaller and narrower and I'll be able to really FEEL the things that I know are true.

But until then...I just feel sad.

Until then, I just want my brother back.

Until then, I will try to gather strength from my mother's words...and hope that they can strengthen me too.

One day...I'll get there.

Comfort During Shiva

Today, Tisha b'av is the saddest day of the year.

This morning, while I sat on the floor, I remembered the time I sat in a low chair sitting shiva for my younger brother. We are now sitting shiva-for what? For the bais hamikdosh.

I wanted to explain this to my little son but he is so young, how can he understand? I did manage to explain it to him-by bringing it down to his level.

Today is a very sad day. You know, Hashem had a very beautiful house. It was so big and so special-it was like a shul. And all the people would come there and daven to Hashem. And then, you know what happened?

My son looked at me with his big, innocent eyes.

Hashem's house got broken.

He looked devastated.

"Oiy!" he said.

And we need to fix it.
How can we fix Hashem's house? It was such a special place, so big, so beautiful and so full of people. And now it is broken. What can we do to fix it?

He looked at me as I told him, we need to be very nice to our sister, we need to try to be extra good to mommy and always listen. We do mitzvos and make Tatty and Mommy happy by always listening and helping and acting very gentle with our little sister. This is how we can fix Hashem's beautiful house.

He had this faraway look in his eyes.

I think he got it.

My eyes teared up.

* * *

When I read Eichah last night, there was one thought that kept coming up again and again, in different phrases.

"Ein La Menachem" - she does not have anyone to comfort her.

I thought about these words and I cried.

After the destruction of Hashem's home, His palace, there was nobody to offer any sort of comfort...and I imagined...and I remembered.

When my family sat shiva for my brother Shalom a"h, people kept streaming into our home to try to comfort us, to try to say something that will bring us some sort of nechama. The house was busy from the moment we got up until we were so wiped out from another day of talking and emotional memories...it made us tired. But, there was a constant flow of people...they kept coming.

After the bais hamikdosh was destroyed, there was no one! No one came to comfort Hashem...no one was able to comfort the Jewish Nation. All around them there was destruction. A building, not just a building, a home for the shechina, a place of clarity, a place of real beauty, a place of connection...all gone...burned...so many dead people all over the streets, little children dying in their mother's laps, people collapsing and passing out from hunger...from thirst...children who grew up in rich homes asking for drinks of wine when there was no water to be found...

And there was nobody to comfort them.

When someone goes to be menachem avel, these are the words they use to comfort the mourner: Hamakom yenacheim eschem b'soch she'ar aveilei tzion v'yerushalayim.
What does this phrase mean?

When we sat shiva, someone told us a beautiful way of explaining it.

One of the names of Hashem is Makom, like we say in the haggadah, Baruch Hamakom...Makom means place and Hashem takes up all the space in the world yet at the same time, He doesn't take up any space at all. This is a deep concept and we can't even understand exactly what it means - but this is part of Hashem's G-dliness. On one hand He is everywhere and takes up every inch of space in this world-wherever you go, Hashem is there---and on the other hand, He does not take up any space. This is why Hashem's name is Makom.

When a person loses someone close to them, there is a tremendous void in their heart. So we tell them, Hamakom yenacheim eschem-only Hashem who is called Hamakom can comfort you. He can fill the void.

So why do we end with b'soch she'ar aveilei tzion v'yerushalayim?

Because when someone passes away, all the family wants is to get to see them again and spend time with them again. When will that happen? When moshiach comes! So we say, you should be comforted together with all those who mourn for Yerushalayim-because as we know, whoever mourns for Yerushalayim will be zoche to see it rebuilt.

But how can someone live until that time? How can they go on? How can they be comforted during this long wait? By filling that deep emptiness that is in their hearts with spirituality, by doing mitzvos that will make the niftar's neshama go higher.

We had so many people come to comfort us when we sat shiva. But Hashem has still not been comforted, the Jewish People have not been comforted.
We are all waiting for the day of ultimate geula, the real redemption and ultimate nechama, the real consolation.

May that day come when all those families who have mourned for their siblings, parents, grandparents, children and grandchildren are reunited with their loved ones...and Klal Yisroel is reunited with Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

One last point: The purpose of a fast day is not just to refrain from eating - but to bring us to do teshuva. Each person has to think - what am I doing that is keeping the bais hamikdosh from being rebuilt? It's a strong question. Come up with an answer and then...do something about it.