powerful message about the last wake up call we just had!!

Hurricane Irene and My Need for Control
written by Charlie Harary

It’s been all Irene all weekend.

At first we didn’t take it seriously. We live in New York, for goodness sake. We never have hurricanes (or earthquakes for that matter). The fact that Hurricane Irene was in the Bahamas, Florida and even North Carolina is one thing, but it’s not coming up to New York.

Then the city started to shut down. Evacuations, power outages and road closings. We are, for all intents and purposes, on lockdown as we brace for the storm.

As soon as the reality of the situation sunk in, I had this uncomfortable feeling that I couldn’t explain. There was some fear and anxiety, but that wasn’t it. And then, last night, I realized what it was.

I am not in control.

I can’t control where to go, what to do or whether I’ll even have power. I can’t control what will happen to my loved ones, to other people and property. I can’t control if I will have a new swimming pool instead of a basement. My life is just not in my control.

We all love to be in control. When we get in the car, we like to know exactly how to get to our destination and when we will get there. We like to know we have enough money in our bank account to cover our annual expenses. We like our children to act in way where we know how they will turn out when they get older. We take, and stay in, certain jobs because we like to control our financial future. Preparation is one thing. But for most of us, we yearn for control.

But if we’ve learned anything these past few weeks, months and years, is that we are not in control. Stable institutions can fail. Stable governments can get downgraded. Stable environments can have two natural disasters in one week.

We are not in control.

But after the initial discomfort of that reality set in, I had another feeling.

I realized that, in fact, I was in control. Not of traffic, the future of my children, the financial markets or the environment, but I was in control of myself.

I was in control over how I responded to challenge. Would I be stressed or show strength? Would I spend the time doing something meaningful? Would I get frustrated and angry at the loss of property or convenience or would I be satisfied with what I had? Would I start to appreciate the “little” things like electricity and dry roads?

As we stop trying to control what happens to us, we start finding the ability to control what happens from us. We realize that we can control how we live, how we speak to each other, how we appreciate what we have. We can control our response to whatever is sent our way.

In reality, that was the only control we ever had. And by trying to control everything else, we neglected it. We neglected being who we could be, who we really want to be.

Once we gain that control, even Hurricane Irene can’t stop us.

The Fox and The Vineyard

I posted it last year and want to share the message with you once again.

Tonight is Rosh Chodesh Elul. We are about to enter a very important time in the hebrew calendar, a time of closeness and connection to Hashem. Think about how lucky you are to have an opportunity to come back to your Loving Father! He gives you so many chances to come close to Him and show Him that you really want to do the right thing-by thinking about what you have done and how you want to become better.

There's an amazing mashal I want to share with you.

A fox passed a vineyard full of delicious grapes and wanted to eat some of them. However, there was a fence enclosing the vineyard that blocked him from going in. He did notice that there was a small hole in the fence and if he would fast for three days, he would be able to squeeze in and eat the grapes. So that is what he did.

After three days, the fox was skinny enough to make his way through the hole. He feasted and enjoyed all the grapes in the vineyard and when he was ready to leave he realized that he would not be able to get out because he ate too much and gained too much weight! So once again, he fasted for three days and only then was he able to get out of the vineyard.

The fox then realized that he did not gain anything from the vineyard because he left the same way he had gone in. We have to ask ourselves the same question-will we leave the world the same way we went in or will we have things that have true value to take along with us. Elul is a time to ask ourselves these questions - what are we taking with us into the new year? What mitzvos and good deeds do we have to show for ourselves?

Each one of us is put into this world and there are so many temptations and things that look exciting - but we have to remember that we are in this world for a purpose, not just for the materialism and we need to focus on the things that last.

This past shabbos, I heard a continuation of this mashal.

There was a smart fox who watched what the first fox had done and said to himself, "I will not be a fool like this one." And here is what he did. After fasting three days so he could get through the hole in the fence, he ate and enjoyed the grapes. In the meantime, he threw a whole bunch of grapes over the fence so that when he gets out of the vineyard, he will have more grapes to eat. So even though he had to fast to get out, he thought ahead and saved for the future.

The woman who I heard this mashal from gave an interesting twist on the nimshal.

Elul is coming. It's a hard month but it is a very rich month. There is so much to gain from what comes after it-the yomim nora'im, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur and Succos. Some people are like the first fox and they leave the yomim tovim the same way they came in. The day after yom tov you wouldn't even know that they experienced such awesome days. However, if you want to be like the smart fox, you need to throw the grapes over the fence, you need to prepare properly and think ahead so that you will come out of these days enriched and a better person.

Elul is a very big month. There is so much to gain and so much to achieve. Now that we are entering such a crucial time in our calendar, it is up to us to use our time well and take advantage of the closeness we have with Hashem.

Let's think ahead so that we use each day to the fullest so that when we come out of Elul, we can say that we didn't just eat the grapes but we saved some for later - so that we can take the inspiration we get from Elul and the yomim tovim that come after it and come out a truly changed and better person!

Elul is Coming

It is interesting that the word AV is made up of two letters: Aleph and Bais. Aleph stands for Elul and Bais stands for Ba which means-Elul Ba, Elul is coming.
We shouldn't wait until Rosh Chodesh Elul to start to make changes and get closer to Hashem.

Already the month beforehand we have a reminder - from the name of the month Av itself -to get into the mode and start thinking about where we are and where we want to be.

Each and every one of us has so much potential for good. We have to look deep inside our hearts to see it, to feel it, to acknowledge it and then to act upon it.

The month of Av starts off as a sad month. We mourn the loss of the bais hamikdosh and daven for it to be rebuilt. But then along comes Shabbos Nachamu-where Hashem comforts us by saying that the day will come when we will once again be brought back to that holy state of closeness to Him and clarity and we will all live in happiness together. For seven shabbasos after Tisha B'av, the shiva d'nichemta are read - seven haftoros relating words of encouragement and comfort to Klal Yisroel.

Now that we are getting closer to the end of Av, let us remind ourselves that Elul Ba-Elul is coming!

What is the avoda at this time?
This shabbos, we read something at the table (from Leket Reshimos on Elul) that we had read last year. I had posted and expounded on it then and want to share it with you once more.
It was called Focusing on Doing Good During Elul.

We are not on the level of previous generations who the very mention of the word Elul made the fish in the sea tremble and the people start shaking and...fainting.

We are not meant to be on that level.

We have to serve Hashem on the level that we are on.

We need to let the thought of Elul bring us to better places, places of change and growth-but at our own pace, with small, even tiny baby steps in our avodas hashem.

Recently, someone told me (um, texted me) that she was having a hard time. She was falling down and trying to figure out how to get back up. When I tried encouraging her that she's amazing for trying even though it's not easy to climb back up again, she said she feels like a loser. So I told her, you are not a loser until you give up. As long as you are trying you are a winner!

Let those words enter each one of our hearts...especially in Elul when we all need to hear it.

You are not a loser until you give up. As long as you are trying you are a winner!

Connected to Hashem

Someone just emailed this to me. It's SO good. I have to share it with you!

Hashem doesn't hava Blackberry or an iPhone, but He is my favrite contact.

He doesn't have Facebook, but He is my best friend.

He doesn't have Twitter, but I follow Him nonetheless.

He doesn't have internet, but I am connected to Him.

And even though He has a massive communication system, His customer service never puts me on hold!

Taken from Torah Tavlin

Connected or Disconnected?

This post was written by a friend of mine, S.

Ever thought about what it means to connect? To disconnect?

I learned today what it means, or rather, how far from connection we are, on King's Highway.
According to ''dictionary.com'' (how connected we are-online dictionary), connection means:
"A relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else"
or
"The action of linking one thing with another: "connection to the Internet".
Note the "connection to the internet"

We've become so plugged in that we've unplugged ourselves.
So connected, that we've disconnected. Instead of a person, we're a number. Only it's a number different than those our parents associated with. Instead, it's a number we've branded ourselves with.

So what happened on King's Highway today?

There was an earthquake in Virginia today. The shocks spread far and I felt it in Brooklyn. I walked out of my office building a little later and found King's Highway going crazy. I guess the cell phone towers shook also, or the networks were overloaded...not sure what, but a lot of cell phones weren't working properly. I saw people shaking them, flipping them open and shut, and smart me decided to walk into the cell phone store to take care of a different problem and met many people there complaining of no service.

What defined our world's craziness was the comment from the lady behind the counter. we were talking about the earthquake in general and where we were, when she suddenly commented:
"I felt nothing. I was in the nail salon when everyone was screaming and running out. I was just busy on my phone. I felt no floor moving and saw no walls shaking. I thought they all was crazy!"
We're so busy being occupied that we've become too preoccupied to be occupied.
So busy trying to talk the raid that we miss it as it just moves on past us.

I always wondered what would happen if cell phones would stop working. I think the world would go crazy. The problem is I don't have to think it. I know it already from the comments I overheard:
"They make it as if the world is going to end."
"They're going crazy."
"The people can't handle it."
"What is everyone going to do?"

And finally, I saw the woman on the payphone.

You're all either thinking "So not a big deal," or clutching your phones and checking it, thinking "I could never handle it."

Try it.


To sign up, go to daytodisconnect.com.

Comfort Me - A Poem

By: Chaim Bashevkin

“Totty, Totty
Comfort me”
The little boy
Did cry
“Hold my hand
And please explain
Totty, tell me why

“They beat me up
They stole my toys
They laughed and spat at me
And then they say
We want world peace
We love humanity

“They threw me from
My pretty house
And then they burned it down
And took
My royal robes away
And then they crushed my crown

“Tell me why this happened
When can I go back home?
When will I have my own place
And not be forced to roam

“When will I be able
To walk the streets with pride
Without the pain and anger
I feel so deep inside”

And soon a voice
From way up high
Was heard to those who listened
And they believed
In that Great Voice
Despite the eyes that glistened

“Listen, My dear yingele
One day I will explain
The reason for the suffering
The reason for the pain

“I’ll tell you why they burned
Your house
And took away your toys
And why they said
You’re different
From all the other boys

“I’ll tell you why
They made you wear
That ugly yellow star
And why they sent you
On a train
Away from home so far

“I’ll tell you why the missiles
Fall each day on Sderot
And why they sent you
From your home
To places so remote

“You'll understand
Why bombs do fall
And why does terror reign
And when I open up
Your eyes
I won’t have to explain

“You’ll understand the secrets
You thought you never would
You’ll see a world of miracles
You wondered if I could

“You’ll understand the Cantonists
Your friends were snatched so pure
Never to return again
Back to their Momma’s door

“The day I’ll show you
All the whys
You’ll see a world so clear
And even Leiby will tell you
To wipe away a tear

The boy’s sweet eyes
They opened wide
“Oh, Totty, do you promise?”
He ran to call the kinderlach
“Come, Eli and Shulamis

“And Chaim and Aviva!
And Berel, please come too
Gather round
And listen
I’ve something to tell you!

“Listen, brothers, sisters
One day
He will explain
He promised that
The day shall come
When we’ll forget our pain!

“He said, ‘That day is coming’
I promise that it’s near
I sense the great arrival
I feel it in the air

“So I can live
With suffering
Until that day is here
When He will open up my eyes
And see the answers clear

“He gave me
A small secret
A single word that’s two
It all lies in the promise of
That double nachamu”

Thank you S.L. for telling me about this beautiful poem.

Links About Shalom a"h

I'm scheduling this to be posted while my family is on the way to the bais olam. It will be nice if people read about Shalom a"h on the yartzeit himself. I'm sure it will give him lots of zechusim.

For those of you who have not read it and also for those who have read it before, here's the links to the story about Shalom a"h. I've read it many times over and gained from it each time. I hope you will too!

First you can read part one, part two and part three. If you don't have time for all of those (they are quite long), you can read a poem I wrote about him.

May his neshama have an aliya and may we be zoche to greet him soon!

Around the Year with Shalom a"h

Tomorrow, Wednesday, Yud Zayin Av, August 17th is Shalom's 6th yartzheit. It's hard to believe that it's been 6 years since I saw him last. It's hard.

People say it gets easier with time, which may be true but there are times when the pain comes back with an intensity that cannot be described.

In the beginning, the pain is so raw, the family thinks about the person so, so much. The first shabbos, the next shabbos, every shabbos...it just hurts so much and the feelings are there so strongly. Shalom is supposed to be sitting in that chair, it was his seat every week...he said his own kiddush in a very unique tune...and we miss hearing it.
The first yom tov after reminds the family of what last yom tov was like, with that person there as part of the family...

Every yom tov was special to Shalom and he had his own unique way of showing that it meant a lot to him.

On Rosh Hashana he would take out a whole bag of simanim which his friend prepared for him (more than the regular ones our family does) and together with our older brother Mordechai, he would say each yehi ratzon with such simcha, such joy, and try to get the siblings to join in too.
Before Succos, he would spend time looking for a beautiful lulav and esrog. Since my brother Mordechai would sell lulavim and esrogim, he had an "in" and would be able to find a really nice one. His face would shine with excitement when he came home with his own set of arbah minim. And he took such good care of it, wrapping the lulav, hadasim and aravos in wet paper towels and then silver foil to make sure it stayed fresh. He took good care of all his things. He was always so neat, organized and put together.
On succos itself, if one of us would ask to use his lulav and esrog to bench that day, his face would light up with joy as he would unwrap it with care and set it up so we could make a bracha.

Simchas Torah is always a happy time for everyone. Just watching the little kids go around in circles with mini torahs and lots of candy will bring a smile to anyones face. Shalom was no different. As a kid, he would hold his own little torah and dance around in a circle smiling and happy while singing the simchas torah songs...Ashreinu ma tov chelkeinu...

After that, he would come home and play "shul" together with my little brother and our neighbor. He'd call up one person at a time for an aliya while saying "ya'amod" in the real tune and then he'd read from the torah - imitating the trop and trying to be just like the ba'al koray. Then, the bracha would be said "asher bachar banu..." and the kids would all be so proud to be acting just like their fathers do!

Chanukah was always a beautiful yom tov and Shalom had his way of showing how important the chanukah lights are. Although it is not our family's minhag, he would sit by the candles for a full half hour after lighting them and say special perakim of tehillim, tefillos and sing songs in his sweet voice.

Of course, Purim is a yom tov full of fun and opportunities for kids to collect tzeddakah for their yeshivas and schools. The last Purim he was with us, Shalom did the cutest thing. Besides for dressing up with a group of kids from school to go collecting for his yeshiva, he had additional "props". He had saved his lulav and esrog from succos - with a plan. He let his esrog shrink until it was a really small size (I think it's done by leaving it in a box for a while) and spent a long time with his lulav figuring out the exact measurements and size the smallest kosher lulav can be. Shalom took out seforim and checked it up until he knew for sure just how many tefochim was the minimum size for a lulav. Then, he pulled off the leaves of the lulav until he got it right. By the time it was done, it was seriously too cute! He had a mini lulav-which was 100% kosher and then a mini esrog - all saved from succos! Which means that he planned this in advance - he was thinking about this succos time already! We have pictures of him with his "costume" and these are all great memories to look back at!

When it came to cleaning the house and getting ready for Pesach, Shalom did so much to help out. He was available for anything the family needed and would run and do errands as quickly as he could-with his bike. My mother would give him a list of things that she needed to get done, sometimes a few items from one store and a stop at another and then a third stop to drop something off or pick something up - and he would do it all with a smile. Whenever he went shopping, he would come home with the receipt in hand and explain how much everything costs and he'd bring home the exact change-to the penny, counting it up and never keeping any of it for himself.

I remember Shalom going through boxes of matzah together with my older brother Mordechai to find the nicest ones to be used for the sedarim. They would then separate the broken ones and use some of them to make matzah meal. It took quite a while to crush it all up in the blender and was such a big help. It was so nice to see the two of them work together as a team.

Counting sefira in preparation for Shavuos was a very big thing in our house. We all tried - and succeeded - in counting with a bracha every single night. When we were much younger and our bedtime was before we were able to count, during the time between Pesach and Shavuos we were allowed to hop out of bed for those few minutes to count sefira.
Once we were a little older, Shalom put an alarm on his watch that would beep at nine o'clock for one full minute (remember those days when kids set alarms on their watches instead of on cell phones?!) and he would run find me and together we would count with a bracha. We were all so proud when we counted the 49th day and were able to say sheheim sheva shavuos la'omer because that meant that we did it again!

Although there are all these special memories we have of Shalom, I don't want you to come away from this thinking that he was an unusually holy person. He was normal. We remember the regular things that he loved to do and the things we did together as a family. Shalom was very musical and great at drums. In fact, we used to play a game on shabbos where he would drum his fingers to a song and we would be able to figure out, based on the beats, which song he was drumming to!

When I was in elementary school, we learned how to play the flute. We learned the notes and a few easy-to-play songs. When I first came home with my flute, Shalom was so excited about it and asked if I could get him one. The next time we had this class, I asked the music teacher if I would be able to buy another one. When I brought home that flute for Shalom, he was ecstatic! I taught him the notes and some of the songs I had learned and then slowly, he started teaching himself other songs. I still remember him lying on the bed in his room in his pajamas figuring out the notes to one song he particularly liked - doing it over and over again until he finally got the entire song right.

On the long Friday nights after the meal, he would play a real good chess game with my mother and I would sit on the side and watch. It was such fun!

There is so much more to say, so much more to write. We are lucky that we have such wonderful memories to look back at. It's so comforting to our family that Hashem gave us close to 16 years to enjoy and spend time with my brother. He was a gift. Every child is a gift.

When you go home today, take an extra minute to appreciate your family, your siblings and your parents. No matter what little things they may do that annoy you, because no one is perfect, appreciate the fact that they are alive. I'd give anything to spend another day, even another hour together with my brother but I can't. So when you spend time with your siblings, think of me and think of my brother who I miss so much and am davening to see once again. Say a positive word, encourage others and take advantage of the time you have together.

May this post be a zechus l'ilui nishmas Shalom ben Chaim Nosson.

If you would like to do something small as a zechus for his neshama to go higher, please let me know. You can send me an email or leave a comment with what you are doing. Remember, Shalom cannot do ONE mitzvah anymore! But we all can.

For the VERY First Time

Remember the first bracha you made last night when you broke your fast?

Mine was a shehakol on a cup of water. I said the bracha slowly and carefully and thought about the words I was saying.

Why was this bracha different than the others that I say on a regular day?

It was the anticipation. I waited a long time to be able to take that drink of water so the few seconds before I took that first sip, I really thought about what I was saying. I was so thankful for that drink and savored the feeling of the cool water going down my throat and through my veins.

R’ Shimshon Pincus zt”l talks about how anticipation for a mitzvah makes all the difference in how a mitzvah will be performed.

Imagine a man who is on a road trip with his family when he suddenly realizes that it’s almost shkiya and he needs to daven mincha. He finds out where the closest shul is-luckily he is able to find one and he runs in and quickly davens mincha with a minyan. He davened but…what was that mincha like?

Now, imagine a man who is a chassid and is planning to daven with his Rebbe on Rosh Hashana. He plans to take a flight to his Rebbe’s city so he could be with his and he knows he is going to be so uplifted. It’s going to be such a special yom tov for him. He knows it. He feels it. He gets to the airport and…his flight is delayed. He keeps checking his watch and hoping he will make it in time. Finally, the plane takes off and he makes it to the city in record time. He rushes off the plane, gets into a taxi, drops off his suitcase and runs to shul so he could daven mincha on erev Rosh Hashana with his Rebbe. He catches his breath as he lands in his seat but...he made it in time!

What was his mincha like? It must have been incredible, full of kavanna and dveikus to Hashem!

How did he do it?

Didn’t he rush just like the other guy?

What was the difference between these two people?

It was the anticipation. The preparation. The excitement. The entire time he was in the airport, waiting for his flight to take off… waiting for the airplane to land, he was thinking that very soon he would get to his Rebbe’s city, get to his Rebbe’s shul and then…he would daven with his holy Rebbe! He waited so long for that moment and was so excited so it didn’t matter that he rushed into it because he prepared for it mentally all that time!
When a person anticipates and prepares for something, it makes all the difference in the outcome.

And that is what made the first bracha after the fast so special.

Can you try to hold on to that moment?

Can you try to be more careful with your brachos, articulating them and thinking about the words you are saying while you say them?

Do you begin to realize what a gift it is to have so many choices of foods and drinks to eat and drink and enjoy?

Thank Hashem for it!

Hashem blesses us with so much good-green apples, bright orange oranges, red tomatoes, 4 different colored peppers, green cucumbers (can you tell I love fruits and veggies?!) – and that’s just naming a few!

Before you take your next bite, take a few seconds to think about and appreciate the pleasure and enjoyment you will have from the food you are about to eat.

Try to make the feeling you had last night before your first bracha last…for as long as you possibly can.

I’m trying…one bracha at a time.

So can you!

Comfort During Shiva

Today, Tisha b'av is the saddest day of the year.

This morning, while I sat on the floor, I remembered the time I sat in a low chair sitting shiva for my younger brother. We are now sitting shiva-for what? For the bais hamikdosh.

I wanted to explain this to my little son but he is so young, how can he understand? I did manage to explain it to him-by bringing it down to his level.

Today is a very sad day. You know, Hashem had a very beautiful house. It was so big and so special-it was like a shul. And all the people would come there and daven to Hashem. And then, you know what happened?

My son looked at me with his big, innocent eyes.

Hashem's house got broken.

He looked devastated.

"Oiy!" he said.

And we need to fix it.
How can we fix Hashem's house? It was such a special place, so big, so beautiful and so full of people. And now it is broken. What can we do to fix it?

He looked at me as I told him, we need to be very nice to our sister, we need to try to be extra good to mommy and always listen. We do mitzvos and make Tatty and Mommy happy by always listening and helping and acting very gentle with our little sister. This is how we can fix Hashem's beautiful house.

He had this faraway look in his eyes.

I think he got it.

My eyes teared up.

* * *

When I read Eichah last night, there was one thought that kept coming up again and again, in different phrases.

"Ein La Menachem" - she does not have anyone to comfort her.

I thought about these words and I cried.

After the destruction of Hashem's home, His palace, there was nobody to offer any sort of comfort...and I imagined...and I remembered.

When my family sat shiva for my brother Shalom a"h, people kept streaming into our home to try to comfort us, to try to say something that will bring us some sort of nechama. The house was busy from the moment we got up until we were so wiped out from another day of talking and emotional memories...it made us tired. But, there was a constant flow of people...they kept coming.

After the bais hamikdosh was destroyed, there was no one! No one came to comfort Hashem...no one was able to comfort the Jewish Nation. All around them there was destruction. A building, not just a building, a home for the shechina, a place of clarity, a place of real beauty, a place of connection...all gone...burned...so many dead people all over the streets, little children dying in their mother's laps, people collapsing and passing out from hunger...from thirst...children who grew up in rich homes asking for drinks of wine when there was no water to be found...

And there was nobody to comfort them.

When someone goes to be menachem avel, these are the words they use to comfort the mourner: Hamakom yenacheim eschem b'soch she'ar aveilei tzion v'yerushalayim.
What does this phrase mean?

When we sat shiva, someone told us a beautiful way of explaining it.

One of the names of Hashem is Makom, like we say in the haggadah, Baruch Hamakom...Makom means place and Hashem takes up all the space in the world yet at the same time, He doesn't take up any space at all. This is a deep concept and we can't even understand exactly what it means - but this is part of Hashem's G-dliness. On one hand He is everywhere and takes up every inch of space in this world-wherever you go, Hashem is there---and on the other hand, He does not take up any space. This is why Hashem's name is Makom.

When a person loses someone close to them, there is a tremendous void in their heart. So we tell them, Hamakom yenacheim eschem-only Hashem who is called Hamakom can comfort you. He can fill the void.

So why do we end with b'soch she'ar aveilei tzion v'yerushalayim?

Because when someone passes away, all the family wants is to get to see them again and spend time with them again. When will that happen? When moshiach comes! So we say, you should be comforted together with all those who mourn for Yerushalayim-because as we know, whoever mourns for Yerushalayim will be zoche to see it rebuilt.

But how can someone live until that time? How can they go on? How can they be comforted during this long wait? By filling that deep emptiness that is in their hearts with spirituality, by doing mitzvos that will make the niftar's neshama go higher.

We had so many people come to comfort us when we sat shiva. But Hashem has still not been comforted, the Jewish People have not been comforted.
We are all waiting for the day of ultimate geula, the real redemption and ultimate nechama, the real consolation.

May that day come when all those families who have mourned for their siblings, parents, grandparents, children and grandchildren are reunited with their loved ones...and Klal Yisroel is reunited with Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

One last point: The purpose of a fast day is not just to refrain from eating - but to bring us to do teshuva. Each person has to think - what am I doing that is keeping the bais hamikdosh from being rebuilt? It's a strong question. Come up with an answer and then...do something about it.